So what's with all these fighting Yankees lately? Last week it was David Wells taking on some guy named Rocco in an Upper East Side diner (and losing two teeth in the process). And then this past week we've got Orlando Hernandez putting up his El Duques in a shoving match with Jorge Posada. Now I'm not sure what sparked this controversy between Duque and Posada but I think I've got an idea. If you read the SAP subtitles on the YES Network for Posada's last trip to the mound to speak with Hernandez you would've been surprised to see "Do you believe that? He hit the bull!" in Spanish… Despite all these fisticuffs there is still no truth to the rumor that the Yanks have signed Oscar De La Hoya to a two week contract for the end of the season…

You know what I haven't done yet in this News & Notes column? I've yet to comment on the strike settlement! Funny how something that monumental could just slip through the cracks, isn't it? Well, without further ado, here are the settlement conditions and The Commish's comments…

Luxury Tax
To place a drag on salaries by the richest teams, a tax will be levied on the amounts of payrolls over $117 million next year, over $120.5 million in 2004, $128 million in 2005 and $136.5 million in 2006. The tax rate of 17.5% to 40% will depend on the season and the number of times a team surpasses the threshold.

COMMISH: In addition, just like the card game "Hearts", whichever team holds Alex Rodriguez' $252 million dollar contract (a.k.a. "The Queen of Spades") will be subject to an additional tax consisting of two middle infielders, a long relief man and naming rights to the GM's next born child. Oh, and did we mention that this entire system goes out the window if you're an AL team whose nickname starts with the letter "Y", ends in "S" and has "ankee" in the middle? For them, the rules are simply" write an annual check in the amount of $50 million, payable to the Bud Selig Slush Fund.

Revenue Sharing
Each team contributes 34% of its net local revenue (minus stadium expenses) to a pool that is redistributed to all 30 teams. In addition, $72.2 million annually will be taken from big-market teams and spread among small revenue teams

COMMISH: Oh where have you gone Karl Marx? You'd be loving Amerika's pastime right now! Did we also mention that there will be a bake sale to help Major League Baseball defray the cost of the Montreal Expos' new uniforms (you know, the one's with the letters "D" and "C" on the sleeve). In addition, the GM that sells the most candy, gets a free pass to Costa Kingdom! And what I really can't wait to see is the "taking" of the $72 mil and change away from the "big market" teams. Talk about a chance for some good reality TV!

Commissioner's Discretionary Fund
$10 million - $333,333 from each team - will be set aside from the central fund and may be distributed by the commissioner.

COMMISH: "Excuse me, Mr. Selig? Can I have my allowance a little early this week? I'd like to take my girlfriend to the movies but I'm a little short on cash at the moment? What's that? Ditch the broad and promise to get a right fielder who can hit for average and provides some speed at the top of the order and I can have 200 grand? OK…"

Drug Testing
Players will be randomly tested for illegal steroids in 2003. If 5% or more test positive, mandatory random drug testing will take place during the following two years. If 2.5% or fewer test positive in consecutive years, mandatory random testing shall cease. The first time a player tests positive during mandatory random testing he goes into a treatment program. After that the penalties range from a 30 day to a two year suspension.

COMMISH: …should the problem still persist after a two year suspension, Bud Selig promises to go "Darryl Strawberry" on your ass! If anyone's interested Rick Reilly still has that address and phone number for the Chicago area Lab Corp in his Rolodex. And you can't imagine what's going to come down if anyone's testicles get lost inside their bodies again! Not that there's anything wrong with that…

Contraction
Teams cannot be eliminated through 2006. Management may choose to eliminate two teams for the 2007 season but must notify the union by July 1, 2006. Management does not have to identify the teams. The union agrees not to contest the matter before the National Labor Relations Board. The union's pending grievance before arbitrator Shyam Das is withdrawn.

COMMISH: Oops, better withdraw that Homer Hanky auction from eBay ASAP! Wait a minute, "management does not have to identify the teams"? Even after they've been eliminated? That oughta be a bit confusing, don't you think? And isn't Shyam Das the guy who directed the movies "Signs", "Unbreakable" and "The Sixth Sense"? "I see dead franchises". Not to mention a few crop circles on some Minnesota dairy farms, can't be long now…

Length of Contract
Through December 19, 2006.

COMMISH: … or 100,000 miles, whichever comes first. Extended warrant available at your local dealer… Hold on! December 19th? They're reallly going to have this thing end a week before Christmas, aren't they? Are we dealing with a bunch of horses asses here or what?

Minimums for Major and Minor Leaguers
2002 - $200,000/$40,500; 2003 - $300,000/$50,000; 2004 - $300,000/$50,000; 2005 - $300,000/$50,000 plus two year cost of living adjustment; 2006 - 2005 minimum plus one year cost of living adjustment.

COMMISH: Plus free utilities and no first month's rent or security deposit… Cost of living adjustment? Cost of living where? These guys got houses that are too big for even MTV Cribs, who the heck is going to be needing a cost of living adjustment? Gee, let's see, I'm over 30 years old, I throw left handed, and I can hit about 57 MPH on a good day. Hey, it worked for Tony Fossas, might actually work for me too! Besides, given the meager earnings I make as a contract computer programmer these days…

Benefit Plan
Management will contribute $114 million to $115 million annually, up from $70 million in 2002.

COMMISH: $114 to $115 million? Ah, what's a cool million among friends? Does this "benefit plan" include dental, prescription drugs (in the U.S. that is, not Tijuana), and an 80% co-pay if I go out of network? And how about holiday and sick pay? Can I take Yom Kippur as a personal day even if I'm not Shawn Green or Mike Lieberthal? This is stuff we need to know…

Worldwide Amateur Draft
A union-management committee will establish rules and format. Target date for implementation is June 2003.

COMMISH: And don't we all just adore how well the "union-management committee" approach has worked in the past? Can you say "12 Angry Cubans"? "Gentlemen, start your raft engines!"

Well, that's about all we've got time for this week. You've been great! Enjoy the The Monkees… 'til next week…

Click here to read previous "News and Notes" installments...