With apologies Tom Petty…

Last dance with Mary Jane
Mets are gonna feel the pain.
End of summer's creeping in
and Mets are getting high again.
Well I don't know but I've been told
This whole losing season's grown mighty old
We're tired of screwin' up, tired of feeling down
So light me a joint and pass it around
Oh my, my, oh hell yes,
Grant Roberts' has caused quite a mess
It isn't a drink, why I'm writing this song
Just Mets pitchers puffing on a bong!

Last Dance with Mary Jane
One more time to ease the fans' pain.

And just when you thought it was safe to back to Shea Stadium! A picture in Newsday magazine showing Grant Roberts puffing on a bong during one of his minor league seasons and an accompanying article accusing no less than seven Mets have actively been using marijuana this past season and just like that, the whole Mets' season goes "Up In Smoke". "Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you, the starting lineup for your New York Mets. Leading off and playing second base, Cheech. Batting second, and playing centerfield, Chong…"

Now we all know that Grant Roberts has a history of shoulder injuries so perhaps he was just using the wacky weed for medicinal purposes? Yeah right, and Pete Rose is going to be on next season's Hall of Fame ballot! What's a fan to do? This season's been bad enough, now we've got to worry about how the team is going to handle this latest public relations nightmare? Knowing the Mets, they'll probably change the playing surface at Shea to artificial turf because they're afraid of fielding a team on all that grass!

Bring back Keith Hernandez' coke habit! Open the closet door for Mike Piazza! Tell me Mo Vaughn's on steroids! Let's get Mark "Seizure" Corey back from the Rockies! Hey wait a minute, he's playing in the Mile High city isn't he? How fitting… I tell you, this whole thing is just madness! Reefer Madness in fact! What's next? A late season waiver wire deal with the Twins so the Mets can re-acquire Rick Weed? And is Jorge Toca involved here? "Now I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker…" And of course in the midst of all this, the teams' nemesis, the Atlanta Braves, always one step ahead of the Mets, have called up Korean pitcher Jung Bong from the minors. I kid you not. Guess this will teach me to concentrate too hard on the opening few weeks of football season…

…and while the rest of us were watching football, did anyone actually catch the White Sox/Royals game where the father and son jumped out of the stands to attack Royals' first base coach Tom Gamboa? What the hell is going on in major league baseball this week?! The two people who attacked Gamboa where a father aged 34 and his 15 year old son. Talk about a bonding moment, eh? If I may quote the Intentional One from an e-mail thread we had going this past week on this topic "Stay right behind me, boy, and I'll show you how we ambush first-base coaches. Next time, we'll rape the ballgirls."

I mean, I'm all for getting the fans involved in the game. Especially since all the negative strike news from this past summer, but don't you think "Bring Your Son To The Game and Beat Up The First Base Coach" Night is just a little too extreme a promotion? Even in Chicago, the former home of Bill Veeck and Disco Demolition Night? And don't they realize this guy's last name (Gamboa) ends in a vowel and The Sopranos have started their 4th season on HBO? Or do they not get good cable reception in the trailer park? Next week on FOX, "When Fans Attack!"

Finally, a first for our league. Trader Neil Eskow, never one to be outdone by headline news, has activated Darryl Kile for the final week of the season! You see, Neil has finally acquired the requisite 900 IP that he needs to qualify for the ERA and Ratio categories and figures instead of just dropping one of his roster expansion pitchers, he'd activate Kile to cut down on innings. Let's just be glad he's not going to Shea with me again next weekend, otherwise he'd probably want to light up a hooch and jump on the field to attack Mookie Wilson!

That's all we've got room for this week folks. Did you want anymore? Sure hope not. It was getting crazier by the paragraph, couldn't imagine what I'd be writing about next? Perhaps something about Joe Torre being an alien maybe? Anyway, last week of the season on tap. Still got some time to catch Ray Boyce! Or do we? 'til next week…

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