Ah, what a wonderful time of the year it is, isn't it? Teams fighting for their playoff lives, potential three way ties for the wild card and two way ties for the division, Ichiro chasing Sisler, Bonds chasing Ruth, the Yankees chasing their tail… In fact, one might be inclined to quote that fabulous song by The Zombies, "It's The Time of the Season"!

Matter of fact, one of the lines from that little ditty goes "What's your name, who's your daddy", a line uttered by one Pedro Martinez this past week as he was asked to ponder the reason for his lack of any recent big game victories against the rival Yankees. A befuddled Pedro was left to respond with a little Zombies karaoke as he questioned whether or not he knew who his "daddy" was. (Or as Kevin Kelly put it, like only Kevin Kelly can, when he heard the news: "Oh like there's a surprise! A Dominican who doesn't know who his father is"…) DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed in any Kevin Kelly quote are solely those of Kevin Kelly himself and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of other Full Monty franchise owners, The Commissioner or COMMISH.COM… Pedro's paternal confusion notwithstanding, the next two games post-Pedro were a reverse mirror image of the previous series between these two teams as the BoSox hammered the Bronx Bombers in two straight. Ending the series on a high note as new Boston ace Curt "I'm YOUR Daddy" Schilling won his 21st of the season, giving the Sox an outside chance at the AL East title going into the season's final week. Now let's get back to Pedro for a moment…

Now I don't want to go off on a rant here but Pedro, I'll tell you who your Daddy is! How about George "Daddy Warbucks" Steinbrenner? Yes, my fine Dominican friend the sun will most definitely come out tomorrow on your little hard-knock life! In fact if the Yanks don't end this season as the last man standing in October, I have a feeling George may spread around those very Warbucks and not only plunk Annie Pedro from the orphanage, but he'll become "Daddy" to Randy Johnson as well! Check out this nightmarish scenario for a second. Sox defeat Yanks in another Game 7 as El Duque's arm goes El Dravecky and falls off right there on the Yankee Stadium mound in the Top of the 6th. Sox go on to win the whole shebang over a Cubs team despite a late inning sacrifice of a live goat during the 7th inning stretch which has the panties of the folks at PETA all in a bunch!

But that's not where I'm going with this rant is it? So anyway, George gets pissed and goes all "boardroom" on Kevin Brown, shipping him out of town in the next taxi. Welcome Big Unit at a cool $16mil (and so long Dionner Navarro). Welcome Pedro (if you can't beat 'em, join em) at a shade less, call it $15.5 for one season and do you think they'd do the Ditka-Ricky Williams wedding dress on ESPN The Magazine thing? Sew on El Duque's arm for about $5 at the local tailor and voila (not to be confused with Frank Viola), Javier Vazquez and Mike Mussina are your numbers 4 and 5 next season, pitching woes solved. And of course George can afford all this as he's got a nice little kickback coming for building the new and improved Yankee Stadium just a shade further away from the Bronx Penitentiary and a little closer to the East River… So what are the newly crowned World Series champion Red Sox to do to keep pace? Why, sign free agent Carl Pavano to take the place of the man he was once traded for, Pedro himself! It could happen…

Speaking of someone being someone else's daddy, who's going to be head dog Homer when The Full Monty comes to a close later this week? It's looking like a two horse race right now between Brian Legere's Lost in Rotation and Doug's Quat Thrusts!. Less than three very make-able points separated these two teams at press time. Truth be told, I think the only reason Doug's not in first place yet is the fact that in a show of solidarity with "partner in chaim" Shawn Green, Doug's roto stats from Yom Kippur have not been counted in the standings…

Next up in the news, getting back to our Little Orphan Annie references from the rant, it appears that the Expos have finally found a home! Au revoir Montreal, je me souviens! (Fred was that last sentence gramatically correct?) Yes folks, if you had Washington D.C. and "over September 28th" in your office pool, you're a winner! And exactly how did MLB pull off this little relocation stunt? Well Peter Angelos' kvetching aside, I hear that all they had to do was promise new D.C. councilman and former mayor Marion Berry the chance to snort the 1st and 3rd base foul lines at the opening of the new stadium. Give the man a few "free bases" and faster than you could say Frank Viola, the "crack" was wide open. Marion Berry is of course the man who put Colombia back in the District of Columbia! So anyway, there's no way this franchise is going to be called the Washington Expos so here's the final Top 10 of the season in which we examine other possible names for the new franchise starting play in the nation's capital city next season.

Top 10 Possible Names for the Expos Franchise Next Season

10. The Washington Monuments
9. The Bi-Partisans
8. Washington Heights (but only if they trade for Manny Ramirez)
7. The Washington Bullets (what with the recent assault rifle ban being lifted and the NRA loving Republicans in the White House, it might be time to bring this name back)
6. The Anaheim Angelos
5. The Team Formerly Know As Youppi!
4. DC Comics
3. Capital Punishment
2. The Washington Senators (yes that name's already taken in another sport but I don't think the nice folks in Ottawa are going to be needing it for some time!)
… and the #1 name for the new Washington franchise is…
1. The Exposes (pronounced "ex-po-zays", like the 80s girl band)

Oh and along with the name change I hear they're going to be rename the main entrance to RFK stadium the Water Gate. Other proposed changes include the playing "Hail To The Chief" during the 7th inning stretch. Also, I hear that there are plans to have a hidden section of the stadium where fans can sit and go unnoticed the entire game to tentatively be called The Section of Mass Destruction and of course, the team's first planned giveaway promotion, Monica Lewinsky "Bobble Head" Night! And one last thought on this topic before we leave this paragraph. The Montreal Expos' double-A (AA) team is called the Harrisburg Senators. Need I explain any further?…

Speaking of politics, is it just me or does anyone else believe that all these devastating hurricanes hitting Florida of late are just the higher power's way of saying "sorry guys, I just can't let you vote in this upcoming election!"… All right, gotta run! I'm actually next on the list after Bonds for random drug testing. Then again, maybe I've got some more time… 'til next week…

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