A quick word of warning before you begin reading this column. Being the final column of the season, and me being in good spirits coming off my league championship, it's quite long, full of many good quotes and references so you'll want to make sure you read it all and not just skim the opening sentences of each paragraph for something appealing. A suggestion if I may? If you plan on reading this at work and don't want to get caught with it up on your screen, send a copy to the printer and take it in the crapper with you after lunch! Just read quickly in that case, I can't be held responsible for leg cramps and whatever it is that causes the toilet seat to leaves such marks on bare flesh…

Well it came down to the final week of the season and the see-saw battle between The Fred Sox and High Hard One came down on the side of High Hard One. Probably because they had Kevin Kelly's girth on their side of the see-saw, but more likely due to a superb pitching week, that kept High Hard One in front of their nearest challengers, who the week before were breathing down their necks in the strikeouts and wins categories. So yes folks, it's all over but the crying, and as we all know there's no crying in baseball so let's have a round of applause for both our champion High Hard One and the runner up's The Fred Sox for keeping us all entertained these past two weeks! For The Commish it's his first league title since 2000 when his Dos Chalupas team took the title in the 3rd year of The Full Monty. For High Hard One co-owner Kevin Kelly, you have to go back all the way back to 1997, when his Cell Block D squad captured the final title of the Mid Atlantic Rotisserie Baseball League (MARBLE), for his last baseball championship. Congratulations to those two on their hard earned, hard fought victory. Yes, I know one of "those two" is myself, but decorum dictates that I have to write the congratulatory portion of this column in the third person…

Another round of applause too if you will for Matt & The Hat (Kevin Shanley & Matt Parzero, keepers of the "all pitching" flame all season), Vandalay Industries (Guy & Joe Caruso, and memories of a brief flirtation with first place) and The Intentional Walts (Walt Cherniak, perhaps just another trade or two away from a higher finish) for their respective (and very respectable) 3rd, 4th and 5th place finishes, yet another three way see-saw that didn't sort itself out until the final weekend of the season. And can I get a final round of applause for our final two "cashers", the 6th place He-Man Yankee Haters Club (Don Cardoza and Mark D'Allesandro, so affectionately know this season as Donnie Baseball and Andro) and the 7th place Breaking Balls (owned by everyone's favorite trading tease, Brian Legere and his "silent partner" Tim Kline)…

With the first two spots in our league going to teams with French owners (and yes, we gave Kevin Kelly a beret and a small Eiffel Tower statuette so he qualified), I think we all determine what makes a team a winner in this league, non? So since all winning strategies are immediately "copy-catted" the next season, I think instead of everyone drafting a pitcher in the first round, we're gonna see a whole lot of franchise names being translated to their French equivalents! For a prize of two field level tickets to a Montreal Expos home game in 2007, let's see who can match the most of these French team names to their original Full Monty, English equivalents, answers follow later on in this column (no peaking please, or "aucun faire une pointe s'il vous plait"). Of course, owners of High Hard One and The Fred Sox, and members of their immediate families are not eligible to win…

1. Haut Dur Un
2. Les Chaussettes De Frederick
3. Matthieu Et Le Chapeau
4. Les Industries De Vandalay
5. Les Walts Intentionelle
6. Le Club De Haters De Yankee D'homme
7. Rupture Des Boules
8. Moteurs De Piano De Bébé
9. La Moitié Bue Et Se Perfectionnent
10. Suce Pour être Je
11. "Tu Me Tuez Petit"
12. R D B (Ce son facile, non?)
13. Parc De La Scène Investigation:Fenway De Crime
14. Un-Huit Cent-Vermine
15. Les Poussées De Quat (hey, let's keep it clean here, this is a family program!)
16. L'équipe De Merde De Taureau

So why is it that "bullsh*t" sounds cleaner in French than "Quat thrust?" Oh well, checking out the rest of the standings we find The Piano Man, and sometime song parody writer Jim Kalach, in 8th place with Babe's Piano Movers… 9th place goes to The Brothers Flinn, whose Half Drunk and Perfect team was almost "perfectly" named. However, given the state of their pitching staff and the constant transactions they made trying to improve it, I think "Drunk and Half Perfect" may have been a better moniker…

In 10th place we have Neil Eskow's Sucks 2 B Me, but let me tell you that it certainly doesn't suck to be Neil these days as Neil has just become a proud father for the first time! Baby Krista Emily Eskow was born right around the end of the season, so while Neil didn't participate in the September Roster Expansion, he did participate in a little September Family Expansion instead! Belated congratulations to Neil and his wife Pat on the birth of their first child!

In 11th place, all the way from last as a result of some due diligence by their owner Joe Mastrangelo, is "You're Killing Me Smalls". Co-owner Charlie Baker, the man who puts the "small" in Smalls, was ready to pack it in, but Joe didn't want to finish in last place and about $18 in transactions later, here we are in 11th… Last year's champion, Ray Boyce's R D B finishes in 12th this season. We haven't heard neither hide nor hair from Ray in quite some time and we hope he's alright, but we're assuming his two young children are keeping him quite busy and wish him well and better luck next season… Brian Boghosian's CSI:Fenway Park will be scouring the crime scene in the off-season for ways to improve on their 13th place finish. Here's a clue for analysis; you might want to try employing less Red Sox relievers…

The battle for 14th and 15th heated up this week between two perennial Top 5 finishers and when the dust cleared (and justice was indeed served up piping hot), Dennis Milewski's 1-800-RATS finished in 14th and Doug Quat's Quat Thrusts! wound up in 15th. Bringing up the rear, in our first ever "first-to-worst" season was Bruce Lerman's Team B.S. You might recall that after just one day of the season was played, I ran the stats to test out my program and Team B.S. was in first place! Anyway, not to worry Bruce, with half as many points (32) as the 15th place team (64) you've done the memory of Mark Robinson (the franchise you replaced) proud! Please do come back next season and give it another try, we all know you're better than that!…

Speaking of hairy guys winning championships (did I just go there and diss myself? What's up with me?), did you read about the gorilla that escaped from the zoo in Boston last week? Seriously, in case you missed it, here's the synopsis:

BOSTON - In his second escape in two months, a 300-pound gorilla stormed out of the Franklin Park Zoo last night, attacking a 2-year-old girl and an off-duty zoo employee and leading authorities on a massive chase through darkened woods and along a nearby street until his capture nearly 2 hours later.

Now I hadn't heard about it myself, until I got an e-mail from Mr. Thrust himself, Doug Quat, who not only enlightened me to the situation, but also captured the event in song, while at the same time paying tribute to the recently departed Warren Zevon, who you might recall was the genius behind the song "Werwolves of London". So in Dougie's words, and I quote as I turn up the gain on the Commish's Office karaoke machine: "Not to make light of a serious situation (well, maybe), you should read the Globe account of the escaped gorilla incident." I swear this sounds just like a Warren Zevon song -- Gorillas of Boston…."

I saw a gorilla with a Red Sox program in his hand
Walking through the streets of Beantown in the sleet
He was looking for a place called Fenway Park
Gonna get a cheap seat and scream at Jeet

Sweet Lou, gorillas of Boston
Sweet Lou
Sweet Lou, gorillas of Boston
Sweet Lou

You see him prowling around The Green Monster
Better not bring him in
Mike Torrez fastball got mutilated one October day
Nightmares of Bucky again

Vida Blue, gorillas of Boston
Vida Blue
Vida Blue, gorillas of Boston
Vida Blue

I saw Theo Epstein walking with Billy Beane, doing the gorillas of Boston
I saw Derek Lowe give up a double to Shawn Green, doing the gorillas of Boston
I saw Manny Ramirez drinking a pina colada at The Four Seasons
He had the flu

Babe Ruth, gorillas of Boston
Babe Ruth
Babe Ruth, gorillas of Boston
Babe Ruth

Obviously, the song parody writing talent of Doug is the equal of mine and now that we've both discovered this hidden talent, we're going to quit our day jobs and go out on tour Simon and Garfunkel style. I'll be Simon and Doug can be Garfunkel because he has the hair! Hey Art, do you think Piano Man Kalach would join us?

Now I don't want to go off on my final rant of the season here but what the f**k is an escaped gorilla doing running amok in the streets of Beantown? If I didn't know better I wouldn't buy this whole "he escaped from the zoo" story. I'd guess this "gorilla" is actually the monkey that Sox manager Grady Little got off his back by winning the wild card. I mean let me just tell you this is one back-dwelling simian that's definitely not used to it's freedom! You try carrying the collective weight of the Red Sox Nation all these years and let's see if once freed you too don't go running through the streets yourself shouting "Ding Dong, the witch is dead!" Speaking of the fine denizens of Oz, are those George Steinbrenner's flying monkeys circling the skies over Kenmore Square? Wait, I think one just relieved itself on the Citgo sign! And is that Manny hangin' at the Ritz with The Scarecrow? Geez, still can't believe that whole gig, can you say "if I only had a brain"? But not to worry Boston fans, I fear that this year's playoffs will end with Pedro clicking his ruby spikes together chanting "there's no place like home" (especially after dropping the first two in Oakland), while another evil and "witchy" career comes to a close as Roger Clemens drowns in a pool of his own ego on the pitcher's mound, his last words being "I'm melting! I'm melting!" as the Minnesota Twins rally for a 5 game divisional series victory. And pay no attention to the man behind the curtain (Ron Gardenhire, a wizard indeed) as he flies off with Dorothy and back to the Midwest with a playoff victory before waking up in the ALCS, encountering the Red Sox offense and running away screaming "Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Easy Eddie Guardado, it's a twister!" …

Whew! That felt strange but invigorating! Nothing better for the mind than a free form rant through topics both baseball and pop culture! Gotta try to do that more often next year… So what I was really trying to say was, Red Sox - Cubs in the Fall Classic, a true Tale of Two Cities with one sensing the true joy of winning it all for the first time in a generation and the other one left trying to get the gorilla back in the zoo, or the monkey back on the back if you follow my story thus far…

Now I wouldn't bet on that World Series prediction of mine, but while we're covering the topic of betting here's a final update on those two Draft Days wagers we've been tracking all season long. With a third place finish, Kevin Shanley wins his "you won't finish higher than 7th place with that team so top heavy in pitching" bet with Kevin Kelly. As a result, The Hat will get to name Kevin's team next season, pending The Commish's approval, not because of censorship fears, but rather because Kelly's team is my team too! And better yet, Kevin Kelly will have to wear at the draft, for an undetermined but reasonable amount of time, a baseball jersey of Shanley's choosing. Right now it looks like The Commish will be providing his Mo Vaughn Mets jersey to Kevin Kelly's valet, however there was some talk of acquiring a Steve Balboni throw-back…

And in our other bet, the one where Brian Legere said that Kevin Millar (and what's with all this betting action amongst guys named Kevin?) wouldn't hit 25 homers and if he did, he'd buy Walt Cherniak lunch. Well, it's looking like crab cakes for The Intentional One as Millar hit his 25th, and bet winning homer, in the 7th inning of the final game of the season, accounting for the Red Sox only run in the game as well. But that's not all. Going into the last week of the season, Millar had been virtually homerless, doing the Ding Thing just once since August 17th, stuck on 23 dingers, when The Commish sent out an e-mail to both Brian and Walt, appraising them of the situation. Brian immediate cried foul, claiming that his brother had jinxed him (and did anyone still want want to trade for Raul Mondesi) and indeed Bro, I believe you were correct. Sorry 'bout that, can I pick up one of those crab cakes for you?…

Let me tell you something else. If Doug hadn't come up with the classic "Gorillas Of Boston" song parody I was all set to write something in tribute to the late Robert Palmer, who also passed away since our last column. Good thing I was bailed out though, because I was stuck having to choose between "Addicted To Glove" ("Two runners on, one coming home, your mind is not your own…"), "Simply Unrevivable" ("Ted Will-iams, there's no telling where his body went. Back together? No way unless you can sew…"), or a song about a mistaken intentional walk, "I Didn't Mean To Put You On". Other possibilities included "Doctor, doctor, give me the news, I've got a bad count of oh and two…", and even a bullpen tribute from Robert's Power Station days "Some like it hot and some sweat when there's three men on"…

For those of you who have been waiting so patiently, here are the answers to our Full Monty Goes French quiz (and remember to get up and stretch those legs in Stall 2!)

1.High Hard One, 2.The Fred Sox, 3.Matt & The Hat, 4.Vandalay Industries, 5.The Intentional Walts, 6.He-Man Yankee Haters Club, 7.Breaking Balls, 8.Babe's Piano Movers, 9.Half Drunk & Perfect, 10.Sucks 2 B Me, 11."You're Killing Me Smalls", 12.R D B, 13.CSI:Fenway Park, 14.1-800-RATS, 15.The Quat Thrusts!, 16.Team B.S.

I made it easier for you if you caught my little trick. I listed the teams in the final order of finish…

Finally, before I go, some parting thoughts on the final week of the season. Did anyone else notice that a guy with the last name of "Zoccolillo" was playing for the Brewers? When I saw that in a box score, I thought it was a new kind of vegetable! Something in the broccoli family… Roger Clemens, in the final regular season game of his career, got to manage the Yankees as Joe Torre stepped aside. I heard he was pissed at himself because he had a hang nail in the 6th inning and he didn't want to take himself out of the game… The Giants refused to make a cross-country trip on Monday to play a makeup game with the Mets that might have given San Fran home field advantage in the playoffs. So now don't you just want to see Giants/Braves, Game 7 of the NLCS, live from Turner Field? Then again, I like the Cubbies anyway but the hell with the game, if I'm Dusty Baker, I'm flying anyway just for the miles, 6000 additional miles has to get you a nice MP3 player from the frequent flyer merchandise catalog, no?… And of course, no season wrap-up would be complete with mentioning that the hapless Detroit Tigers did indeed manage to fight off the spectre of the 1962 Mets, losing only 119 games, falling one short of the record. Marv Throneberry and Choo Choo Coleman live!

Well as Porky Pig babbles at the end of every Warner Brothers cartoon, "that's all folks"! Thanks go out to each and every one of the league owners for making our 13th season yet another in a long line of successful seasons! Your patience and cooperation with my commissionership once again was unsurpassed. I hope you all enjoy participating in this league as much as I enjoy running it and writing about it! Thank you so much for trusting the stewardship of this league to me. I truly don't know what I'd do with all my free time if I didn't have this! Hope to see everyone back again next season. What do you say, sometime in late March at the Residence Inn in Parsipanny? Sounds like a winner to me! Those of you who are not in my other leagues please do keep in touch in the off-season and I'll be back around sometime during Spring Training with details for Draft Day '04. Au revoir mes amis, which in English for those of you who still aren't on the "French guys are winners" bandwagon, that's simply "goodbye my friends"! 'til next season…

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