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So is everyone ready for some football? Finally, at long last we've made it to Week One! Sorry for the delay, let's get right to the draft recap and Week 1's activity, shall we! First, let me once again thank Rob Hanratty (or should the be Roberta? More on that later…) for hosting this year's Draft Day and providing us with some wireless Internet access so we could hold the draft outdoors and still have a chat room! A good time was had by all in N-Y-C, and let me assure those of you who didn't make the trip out of fear that Rob lives in a very safe neighborhood. Well, mostly safe, unless you happen to run into the local homeless guy who likes to accuse your mother of doing things with grapes and trees that bear unusual fruit. Those of you who were there know from whence I'm speaking… Other draft day highlights included The Great American Smokeout in Rob's backyard as the "chef of the future" smoked us up some B-B-Q burgers and dogs and probably caused some of his neighbors to suffer from severe smoke inhalation. As Eddie Murphy so succinctly put it, "now that's a fire!" While we had plenty of smoke (and even a whole lot of backyard, especially for a place in New York) we had very little to spare in the way of tape as The Commish struggled mightily all day to keep the Draft Board secured to the brick wall behind the bar. As a matter of fact, with nothing adhesive to be found anywhere in the place (the wings on the "sanitary napkins" Brian Legere had under his armpits to absorb the sweat nothwithstanding), The Commish managed to scrape a few pieces of used electrical tape off of the backyard gate for re-use. Now what was old electrical tape doing on the fence in Rob's backyard you might ask? Good question. Rob claims he had a party the night before and the garbage bags were taped to the fence. Hmmm? Exactly what kind of party was this? And tell me again why you're all out of tape?… And then there were the Caruso Brothers. These guys were hanging out near the garden (Am I painting a good visual of Rob's place here? Did I mention the homeless guy and the grapes that grew on the trees that cannot be named?) arguing over every pick! "I want Randy Moss." "No we should take Terrell Owens!" "But what about Marvin? Hey, did somebody just take my guy?" "See I told you we should've gone running back!" "That's it! I've had it with you. If you don't take him, I'm calling mom!" "Oh yeah, well Mom always liked you best!" "No she didn't" "No? Then why did you get all the cool school clothes while I had to wear the second hand bell bottoms?" Boys! Don't make me come back there! Uh, Rob? You sure we don't have any more tape? I've got two mouths we might need to cover. Oh yeah, better make that three mouths, I see Mr. Kelly's about ready to burst, you see he's not too happy about having the 13th pick… Making his Draft debut this season was Bobby Malure's son Nicholas (as in "Cage", "Good Saint" and "not having any 5 cent pieces". Get it nickel-less? Never mind…) who joins the Binder Boyz this season in an effort to improve their franchise's heretofore losing record. Think of this as Malure: The Next Generation, only without the bald spaceship captain and the guy from Roots with the headband looking thing over his eyes. But what about the robot Data? Oh yeah, he's the best! We've got to have him… The following exchange is from a telephone conversation between Kevin Kelly and Brian Boghosian, who was forced to draft by phone when his PC inexplicably decided not to work for the second consecutive Draft Day:
Well that folks, ends our Draft Day summary! Those that were not in attendance, either live or in the chat room were not mentioned, (with the exception of Ian, who was there in spirit and obviously channeled himself through the Caruso Brothers every time they took 10 minutes to make a pick), as they say "you've got to be in it, to win it"…. Speaking of winning, let's quickly run down the Week One results from the All My Rowdy Friends Fantasy Football League starting with last year's champion… Brian Boghosian may not have the most reliable computer (but Bri, major points for trying to go to the local library to log in to the chat room!), but what he does have is a victory in week one and the first high points Green Washington (a.k.a. dollar) of the season. The defending champ keeps on rolling along, opening this season right where he finished the last one, in first place, as his team, Keep On Rolling Along, rolls over Rob(erta) Hanratty's Guys With Girl's Names by a score of 52 - 49. For Rob, it's the second straight season he's had the highest losing score in the first week. But not to worry he says the sisters are doing it for themselves this season and he (or she) will be back! You go girl! Kevin Kelly's Cortisone Injection opens up in 2nd place. Hey these two guys spent most of Draft Day on the phone and they're currently one-two? Strange isn't it? Anyway, a 46 - 29 pasting of Mike Flinn and Jim Murray's Bi-Polar Bears team (a nice tribute to Raider center and Super Bowl binge boy Barrett Robbins), has the Manalapan Mauler sitting pretty and those River Ave rats longing for the days of Ray Lewis' Limo Service… Third place and the early Mortensen Division lead goes to Neil Eskow's Bubba's Brew Crew who make Fabrizio Sparcino one pissed off dolphin, defeating his Sleeping With The Fish squad by a score of 46 - 36. Neil came within a few minutes of winning it all last season and is now something like 27 - 7 - 1 in his last 35, let's see how long he stays near the top this season. Danny Sheridan has him at 3 - 1 to win it all. I've got a dollar says he ends the season #7, with a bullet. A bullet from the gun of the dolphin in Fab's team logo that is… Good morning Seattle! With Chris Jolley vacationing in Hawaii on Draft Day, Ian "Mercury" Morris decided to name this year's team, Late For Luau and then proceeded to beat Joe Mastrangelo and Charlie Baker's Medulla Oblongata squad by a score of 45 - 39. Hey, you might say that they "kicked the hula out of Medulla"! OK, it only took me 2 pages into the season before I made what could stand up as the worst wordplay of the season! For having the audacity to actually be somewhere lush and tropical on Draft Day, I think we need to punish Mr. Jolley. So I ask all of you fellow owners, from here on in should we refer to Chris as "Five-Oh", "Danno", or "Don Ho" Jolley in this column? "Tiny bubbles…" Brian Legere wins his first game with a 35 - 25 dismantling of Dave Kang's nuclear facilities as Brian's overly long titled team, No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls defeats Dave's Kang Kong squad. Dave was not at the draft this season and supposedly had better places to be. Better places than Rob's adhesive-free backyard? Say it isn't so! By any chance Chris, did you run into Dave out on the Waikiki surf? Didn't think so… As for Brian, he contemplated many possible team names such as Wide Left, Wide Right 3 - The Search For Spock and Why Did My Raiders Betray Me, before finally settling on this name taken from an album by the band A Simple Plan. Yes, a simple plan, like making sure you don't run the same plays in the Super Bowl that you ran the season before because the guy coaching the other team is the one who made up all those plays and might actually be looking for then, don't ya think?… Well it looks like all that arguing did some good after all as Guy and Joe make Mama Caruso proud of her boys. The Penske File, this season's Caruso tribute to George Costanza, beats Glory Days, this season's Malure tribute to Bruce Springsteen, 29 - 9. 24 points of which came from the Detroit Lions offense I might add! Looks like a little Motor City Madness this year for Guy and Joe as they hope a little investment in Mr. (Charles) Rogers Neighborhood pays off… As for The Malures, not to worry young Nicky, your father and Uncle Mike always start off the season this way. Just be sure to remind them to replace any ineffective and injured players this season and when they want to throw in the towel in Week 7, I ask you to remind them how proud you are to be a second generation Binder Boy and tell them all about your desire to restore the pride this franchise hasn't felt since they kicked out Uncle Joe Hrabovsky! So Kenny B, I ask you, do you still love your team? Pam, I ask you, do you still love your husband? Well his drafting acumen anyway… After suffering through some major QB carnage in Week One (Vinny Testaverde and Kurt Warner, need I say more?), KGB III becomes the first team to not take advantage of the "have a baby, win your next game" rule, dropping a close one, 26 - 24 to The Commish and Mark "Ferris Bueller's Draft Day Off" Machiedo's Mr. Underhill's Credit Card. The Commish and Mark had to sweat this one out though, leading by only two going into Monday Night, chants of "Don't throw Keyshawn the damn ball" were repeatedly heard coming out of the Commish's Office. Of course, cries of "Just turn off the damn TV and come to bed", were heard coming from upstairs as well… And that's all for this week. I'll skip the upcoming match-ups because it's late and I've got to go take care of a few things before Week 2. Let's see, first, get some stick-um for Kurt Warner, then make more Krispy Kremes for this week's Eagles game (can they put up another doughnut (0) at the new Franklin Field?), get a Patriots a new Lawyer, and finally keep Dave Wannstedt away from high bridges… OK, I can do this! 'til next week…
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