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This season we're going to be trying a new News & Notes format. Instead of the weekly column (which we all know was more of a "non-column" last season), I'll be doing more of a blog-type column. That is, whenever the mood strikes, be it stats night on Wednesday, the middle of the 4PM game on Sunday, or maybe even a Thursday morning before I leave for work, I'll come here and post entries. Sometimes it will be a paragraph or two, sometimes longer. I'll make sure I put a date on everything so you can easily tell what's new from what you may have already read. So feel free to come to this page often, or continue checking in once a week as the stats update, to check out and catch up on the latest entries in what I hope to be a season long "All My Rowdy" blog. If anyone else has anything to contribute, I'll be more than happy to post it here, with all credit given to the author of course. And if we get one of our infamous 20+ reply e-mail threads going, I may also opt to copy that into this space as well so it's saved for all posterity. September 27th, 2006 Quick thoughts as I was doing the stats tonight… We've got a #1 versus #2 matchup this week as our only remaining undefeated teams play each other. Russ Jones' Best One and Don & John's Favrefegnugen lock horns, and only one team will emerge still undefeated… And what a difference a year makes! These two teams were last season's bottom feeders and now play for the lead as undefeateds while last year's champ is this year's chump and still hasn't won a game. Of course we're not naming names here for fear of receiving an overnight package containing a Colts helmet... The much maligned of late rookie Class of '04 owners all won this week. Take that Kevin! As a matter of fact, every owner who entered the league since 2001 won his game this past week. Look out old-timers and founding fathers, there's a new bunch of sheriffs in town… New England cornerback Randall Gay is out for the season. Not that there's anything wrong with that… Any I'm not sure if faking your own death, or at least your own suicide, is wrong either or not? So did he do it or didn't he? The Dallas police are saying yes and Terrell and his publicist are saying no, it was all a big misunderstanding. Well, for the sake of this column, let's stay with the assumption that Terrell Owens did try to take his own life (and beat a whole lot of folks to the punch, mind you). With apologies to Joe, we explore the Dark Side of The Commish's Office Karaoke Machine, and hit the play button on Ozzy Osbourne's "Suicide Solution" in a song parody sent to me early this morning by Kevin "The Croc Slayer" Kelly, who wasted absolutely no time in coming up with this one! The news hits the wire and an hour later I've got lyrics in my in-box. And that's not all! In case you need some help singing along just page down past the lyrics, hit the play button on the embedded video clip (that Kevin also was kind enough to send me) then "follow the bouncing dove's head" and sing-along with Ozzy himself! Substituting Kevin's lyrics for Ozzy's of course, which should be easy enough because you can never really understand what Ozzy's saying anyway... "Career Suicide Solution" Terrell is fine but Chad Johnson's quicker Selfish thoughts and selfish doings Cause you're missing time over the bye Now your career's on the bubble Breaking bones, pulling hammys
DISCLAIMER:Not recommended if you're living in cubicle-land at the office, unless of course your boss likes heavy metal and/or is a fan of the Giants, Redskins or Eagles and would like to indulge in a little impromptu karaoke at Terrell Owens' expense.
September 26th, 2006 All My Week 3's Rowdy Results… Favrefegnugen, a German phrase meaning "holy sheet, we're in first place! And it's not a hockey league!" Don "I've Got A Fast" Cardoza and John "Barney" Wrobel, the last two champions of the Slap Shot Fantasy Hockey League are becoming a fantasy football force as well as they move into first place, and remain undefeated with a 46 - 33 victory over The Croc Hunters. For Kevin & The Commish, they continue to not get the job done on Monday night. They've gone into the past two MNF games with the lead and gone to bed with losses and despite having the 2nd highest point total in the league, they find themselves at 1 - 2. Crikey, we've got some work to do Kev… Our other undefeated team (yep there's just two) is Best One, who take out Touchback Mountain this week by a score of 27 - 12. Russ now leads the tough Garden State Division in which 4 of the 5 teams are at or above .500. Or to put it simply, as the Counting Crows sing, "Mr. Jones and me, gonna be big stars…" For Rob, it was an expected loss as both his kickers were on byes, call it strategy, call it stupid, just don't call him Shirley. Such is life on Touchback Mountain… This week's high points dollar goes to Pam And Da Boyz who double up Hell Froze Over 51 - 26 OK, well almost doubled, they needed another point but who's counting? But to be precise let's change that to "Pam And Da Boyz exceeded Hell Froze Over's score by 199.8%". What to do with the dollar winnings? Why kick it back into the kitty, as they'll need that dollar to replace #1 overall draft pick Shaun "Why Did I Agree To Do The Madden Cover?" Alexander, who's now out indefinitely with a broken foot, the very same injury that was almost suffered by Ken after he heard the news and kicked the wall… Something odd to note about Hell Froze Over who now have a record of 1-1-1 after three weeks and have also given up 111 points on defense in those three games. "1, 1, 1, the number of the beast", well maybe 1/6th of the beast at least… For those of you keeping score at home, the Battle of Virginia now stands at one game apiece. Jim-Bob Flinn gets some revenge for a week one defeat as We Was Robbed steals one from Southern Discomfort 37 - 29 and gets into the win column for the first time this season. Despite the loss, Brian-Bob Legere still holds a one game lead over all the competition in the Gone West Division. Looking at the schedule, these teams actually meet again in the Week 14, you do play some teams twice in the regular schedule. Then, since they are in the same division could hook up for a record 4th time in the division position round in Week 16 if they are next to each other in the divisional standings at that time. And would you believe, if things fall right that week they can turn right around and play each other again in the last week of the season as well if the overall standings turn out that way! Best-of-five anyone? "If you can't find anyone else who wants to play you in fantasy football, you might be a redneck…" Go Nuts also gets their first win of the season despite the loss of a spleen as they defeat The First and Goalfather Part 3 in a 37 - 32 affair. "Spleen?", says Nuts owner Bruce "Gradkowski" Lerman, "we don't need no stinkin' spleens!" Needless to say, Alex "Smith" Lerman convinced his dad to drop Chris Simms anyway next week… And somewhere in the bible I believe it says the first shall be last? Well First and Goalfather is now Last Place and Goalfather as Fabrizio, not feeling quite so "fab" these days, drops to 0 - 3, leaving our defending champion as the only team without a win this season. Now I don't know what's going to happen but I've got a feeling the (Mike or Tatum) Bell is going to toll for someone on the roster this coming week… The Return of the Binder returns to their winning ways with a 37 - 28 triumph over long time nemesis Neil Eskow and Clarett's Innocent. Here's how the win affects the career records of the Binder Boyz. Nicky Migs winning percentage is now up to .583 and his partners, Big Papi Migs and No Longer Notoriously B.I.G. Mike climb up to .433, just a mere 38 game winning streak away from getting back to .500… With the loss, Neil relinquishes the division lead to Russ. "I wanna be Bob Dylan, Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky…", sorry I didn't have much to write about Neil this week so I figured I'd throw in another Counting Crows lyric in it's place, just wait 'til he starts losing late in the season and I break out the "Long December" lyrics… Finally in the late game, Soft 20 turns to the dark side with a 39 - 32 win over Dark Side of the Warren Moon. Brian B's record now stands at a nice and even 1-1-1 (and the dealer's showing a 5 so you've got to hit that), and he's now just 3 wins away from his 100th career Rowdy Friends victory. Forget about Warren Moon, when will we start seeing the dark side of Charlie and Joe? Behaving thus far, I don't think it will take much longer for the claws to come out if more losses mount for their team. Then again, they drafted this team together so they really can't start blaming each other can they? September 25th, 2006 "Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!" So now do we believe in the Madden cover jinx? Our first "whose dead in Week 3" comes to us courtesy of "three words that Ken Bamrick doesn't want to hear" and no they are not "honey I'm pregnant!"… Actually, it's "Alexander, broken, foot". So Ken, that would be Maurice Morris you want to pick up this week. No not Mercury, and no not Sammy, and definitely not Ian. Some people call him the Space Cowboy, some people call him Maurice… Lucy, I'm home! And you've got some spleening to do! Poor Chris Simms, three games into the season and he's getting all de-spleened by the Carolina Panthers defense. And no Kevin, you do not get defensive fantasy points for dismantling of body organs! Although, I do like that better as a rules change instead of adding that reserve spot… But I digress (and it's only paragraph 2!) So Chris Simms leaves the game and goes directly to the cinema for a screening of "Dude? Where's My Spleen?" Well since you asked, courtesy of Wikipedia, the free on-line encyclopedia. "The human spleen is located in the upper left part of the abdomen, behind the stomach and just below the diaphragm. The spleen is a ductless, vertebrate gland that is closely associated with the circulatory system, where it functions in the destruction of old red blood cells in holding a reservoir of blood. It is regarded as one of the centers of activity of the reticuloendothelial system. Until recently, the purpose of the spleen was not known" Well it certainly doesn't help throw touchdown passes. That's for damn sure! Searching the Wikipedia entry for more information we find out that "In French, spleen refers to a state of pensive sadness or melancholy" and In German, the word "spleen" refers to a persisting somewhat cranky (but not quite lunatic) idea or habit of a person. Both of these might well describe Simms' coach Jon Gruden right now. Hey Mr. Gruden, might I suggest your turn on your computer, log into COMMISH.COM and download my new "spleen saver"? Rim shot please! Thank you I'm here until Thursday… But maybe there is some hope for the Son of Simms after all. Perhaps his spleen isn't actually missing after all. WebMD tells us that maybe it's just wandering, displaced, drifting or floating… Our next "dead man walking" is Arizona QB Kurt Warner who is reportedly being replaced in Week 4 by Matt Leinart as the new Cards signal caller. First Eli Manning, now Matt Leinart. If I'm Warner, I start combing the charts of Parade High School All Americans, see where the top rated QB is going to school and enroll there. What do you say Kurt? You got any eligibility left? You got to get to these young studs before they get drafted… So have you had enough yet? Do you have that "sixth sense"? Well I do and I can still see dead people… How about Jeremy Shockey's calling out of Coach Coughlin after the game by telling the media, and I quote, "we were out coached, you can write that down". Er Jeremy? You have a pencil handy? There's a few things I think Coach C might want you to write down. Perhaps even 1000 times on a chalkboard a la "Bart Simpson in the opening credits of the Simpsons". "I will not call out my coach in the media. I will not call out my coach in the media. I will immediately throw myself under a bus on Route 3. Must kill the queen…" And finally, not a dead person, but a "could've been a dead person if things didn't go right"… I'm sitting here watching Monday Night Football (live from the Big Breesy in N'Awlins) as I type this up and the guys in the booth decide to throw it down to the field and sideline reporter Suzy Kolber. Suzy's interviewing a "not quite all there" Archie Manning, whose obviously been celebrating the return of football to the SuperDome. My first thought is "I want to kiss you" from the ill-fated Joe Namath thing a few years back but Archie came through, got his wits together and pulled off the interview without incident. Uh, Suzy? I think Kurt Warner's free for next week's Interview With A Dead QB (and yes, I've already sent Anne Rice the copyright royalties…) Early 4th quarter, Saints 23, Falcons 3 as I sign off here. Am I looking at a 3 - 0 start for my favorite football team? Well somebody slap my upside the head with a crawfish and tickle my beignets I think this might actually be happening! Who dat love dem Saints! 'til next time… September 19th, 2006 Part 1 For those of you checking this out at home, or at work if you have your own office, here are some video clips I found on YouTube which you might find entertaining. I can already hear Rob Hanratty exalting "Yes! The Commish is finally bringing this web site up to date with some embedded video! Now if he'd only just update the chat room by taking advantage of new technologies in Java Applets and Flash Player..." If you're not in position to do the video thing (not recommended for those of you in cubicle-land at work), just page down past the screens to Part 2 of this post, a recap of all the Rowdy Friends game results from Week 2. Otherwise, here we go into the 21st century (and beyond!), just click on the "big play arrow" in the middle of each screen to view these. These first two clips are laugh-out-loud ads for NFL.COM's online fantasy football game. Clip #1 "Fun With The New Guy On Draft Day" Clip #2 We can all relate to this guy! These last two are a "before and after" of non-NFL football advertising Clip #3 Anyone besides Donald Trump remember the USFL? It's hokey and it's grainy but that was video and football back in 1985! Clip #4 For my co-owner in crime Kevin Kelly, the "reigning" (er, make that "one and only") champion of the Stone Cold Fantasy Football League, fond memories of the XFL September 19th, 2006 Part 2 Week 2 results coming at ya… Hey guess what? Neil's in first place! So what else is freakin' new? Clarett's Innocent goes nuts all over Go Nuts, tripling up (and then some) Bruce and Alex by a score of 46 - 15. Don't worry there Cousin Brucie, I still say you can beat the Raiders, and maybe even the Lions. Just don't let me hear about you driving nude through the Wendy's late night take-out window over there on Route 10 in Parsipanny… In a matchup featuring scoring in many odd ways, including a kicker throwing a touchdown pass and a Monday Night Football shut-out, Brian Legere, to go along with the State of Virginia bragging right he won from Jim Flinn last week, now has Legere Family Reunion bragging right as well after Southern Discomfort ekes out a 48 - 45 victoy over The Commish and Kevin's Croc Hunters. Nice win bro, just remember who drafted you that Jags "D" after you left the chat room… Moving up in the rare air of 2nd place, it's Don "Baby You Can Drive My" Cardoza and the still undefeated John "Rock And" Wrobel whose Favrefegnugen defeats Pam And Da Boyz 47 - 31. Yes Kevin, that would be a Class of '04 owner in 2nd place, get used to it… As for Pam And Da Boyz, they fall to oh and two and one more loss and it might be Kenny And Da Hurt. Pam, aren't you happy you went to the company picnic on Draft Day? You would've been better off with the dog drafting for you. What's that? The dog did draft for you? Uh-oh, Kenny's in da house, da dawg-house that is… Rob Hanratty sheepishly gets into the win column with a Touchback Mountain 39 - 29 victory over We Was Robbed. OK, so Robbed co-owner Jim Flinn lost the state of Virginia last week to Legere South, now this week his brother Mike Flinn loses the city of San Francisco to Rob. So guys, what else are we playing for? I'm looking forward to the Sean versus Alex matchup! Somebody get me a schedule… Best One was the best one this week! Yes, another Class of '04 alumnus answering Mr. Kelly's call as Russ, Jonesing for a win, puts the hurtin' on The Goalfather, taking this week's high points dollar win a 52 - 35 victory. League sources tell me that Russ has kicked the high points dollar back to Fabrizio as "tribute" and a way of apologizing for the butt-kicking. The defending champion, who didn't lose his first game last season until what was it week 14 maybe, is now 0 - 2 and rumor has it heads are gonna roll. Hey I told him Godfather Part 3 the movie wasn't anywhere near the class of Part 2, but he had to change his team name… So much for throwing praise at Nicky Mig in my last writing. Return of the Binder indeed! The Boyz return to old form this week, dropping a 24 - 10 decision to Charlie and Joe's Dark Side of the Warren Moon. Now had Priest Holmes had one of his more usual 3 TD games perhaps things would've been different. Look for some injury moves this week from Team Binder as they attempt to replace Holmes with Ricky Williams, Gale Sayers or OJ Simpson… And for dissing my newly revised News & Notes format when it was introduced last week, Joe gets no more press this week. If he behaves, it's possible he gets some clippings next week. Notice how many times we've mentioned Kevin already in this space? Good behavior is rewarded!... And finally, Marc "The Reborn Rookie" Rabin and Brian Boghosian are fit to be tied as they end up in a 33 - 33 deadlock in a matchup that hasn't occurred since the mid 1990s. It's the first tie of the season and the earliest in the schedule we've had a tie since a Week 1 same-score back in 1995 (between who I don't recall, can we get one of the WFAN guys behind the glass to look that up for me? Eddie Scuzari maybe? Anyone?). OK, so it's a tie, both teams get a buck-fiddy and are now allowed to kiss their sisters. Heck, let's make this interesting. A buck and a half each and you kiss each other's sisters. Never mind, maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all, if my memories of Marc's sister are still correct… Well that's all of the Week 2 action folks. Good luck to everyone in Week 3. With just four teams opening the season at 2 - 0, no one's out of it yet! Well at least physically that is… 'til next time… September 18th, 2006 Yes folks, kickers throwing touchdown passes, while a very rare occurrence, do actually count for three points in this league! Sorry Carolina, only good tasting tuna get to be Starkist… While we're on the subject of good tasting tuna (fish) or lack thereof actually, what's up with the Dolphins? The league is most certainly "dolphin safe" and I suspect that Daunte Culpepper's is not eating his spinach these days. But then again that may be a good thing, given the recent E. Coli outbreak amongst fresh spinach across the country. Or perhaps one of you Dolphin fans would like to send him a nice quiche after all? Hey by the way, has anyone confirmed Popeye's whereabouts? I think Bluto is behind all this. Or maybe this is Olive Oyl in one of those "burning bed" type scenarios? While we're on the subject of things that are bad ($100,000 Pyramid anyone?), let me take some space here to address Kevin Kelly's recent rantings on the state of some owners' lifetime winning percentages in this league… League records show that before signing up for lifetime membership with The Commish's Office, Kevin's teams were winning at a hearty .468 clip so any insinuations that "The Commish is keeping The Man down" are just plain untrue. Even hovering at .500 (if you can call 3 games under "hovering"? Hey whatever floats your boat!) is an improvement over where he'd be had I not saved him from himself… As for The Binder Boyz? You mention Mike trying a Sudoku puzzle? Well let me just inject a shout out (and old inside joke) here to my buddy Mike and let him know that I think he'd be a heck of a lot better at Sudoku than he is at Boggle! But seriously, I think the savior has definitely arrived for this franchise in the form of Bobby's football savvy offspring, Nick Migliore. Nick, whose last name is Italian for "I'd call myself a Malure but then people might think I also suck at fantasy football", is playing superb .587 ball since taking over the reins from Mike and Bobby. As a matter of fact, Nick's winning percentage thus far is good enough for 3rd place all time amongst active owners. Hey Russ, you have a son too don't you? Perhaps help can be on the way for you too? Speaking of young 'uns with some football know-ho, I see that Alex is a middle linebacker, eh? Can you spell "Buoniconti"? That's OK kid, neither can I! Let's just call it Zach Thomas because there are too many vowels in S-E-A-U… Checking out the rest of the purportedly putrid Class of '04, I'll note that Jim Flinn has a .600 career percentage in that group, most likely a result of scheduling all those "cupcake" opponents in the early season. So how many times exactly has he played Ken? And as John Wrobel astutely pointed out, Don is now in good hands as his new partner is our all time winning percentage leader at 1.000! I'll leave Marc "The Reborn Rookie" Rabin alone for now but just note that he does have the 2nd most wins amongst active Jewish owners. Although I do hear that Fabrizio might be looking to convert. Oy vey! This Goalfather thing is too much, my team's getting the shlekht (look it up!) beaten out of it and now I'm getting all verklept. Fuhgeddaboudit! I should've listened to my mother and become a doctor and not a friggin' IT guy… Sorry Neil, looks like Clarett's not so Innocent after all. The former Ohio State Buckeye got a black eye today, sentenced to serve a minimum 3 ½ years in prison. But Neil's taking the under on this one, thinking Clarett will be out in 2 and a half. Or would you like to tease that one in a parlay with how many practices Terrell Owens misses now that he's broken his finger? Here's a hint; bet the over… Oh when the Saints, come marching in… 2 - 0 and we've got Bush! Yes I know, I know. Before I go getting all Bobby Hebert excited, whom exactly have they played? Well we'll see come this Monday night when the Saints return to the Superdome against the Falcons and Michael Vick. So I guess it would be wrong to have the MNF announcers refer to the defense "flooding the zone" during the game or saying the team has reached "a high water mark" if they should go 3 - 0? "Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry" (no kidding, all the water's downtown!) Yes I know, I know. Cringe!… The byes are beginning already?! Come on Mr. Schedule Maker it's only Week 3! No one could possibly need a rest by now? Well maybe if you're a Raider or Buccaneer fan you might want to sit one out. And what do you know? The Raiders actually do get a rest this coming weekend! Here's a suggestion for something to do this Sunday if you play for Art Shell. Memorize the freakin' playbook! Six points in two weeks? Forget about "Just win" how's about "Just score baby!"… Anyway, if you own any Raiders (my condolences) they are off this coming week. The Chargers are off as well (QB Phillip Rivers hasn't played this many consecutive games since college). Also, Trent Green gets to rest his head another week and T.O. gets a week to find a nice band-aid for the boo-boo on his finger; and for Tuna (as in Parcells) to get that bad taste out of his mouth. Sorry Bill, only good tasting tuna, er, never mind, just mark down the Chiefs and Cowboys also on the ridiculously early bye. Well that's it for now folks, got to get back to working on my Halloween costume. I don't want to give it all away yet, but here's a hint. It involves a #18 football jersey, a cheesy 70's mustache and an ESPN phone… 'til next time… September 13th, 2006 Click the link below for a great article here about one kid's brilliant idea to gain a starting position on his college football team... http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=2585781 Commish's Log, STARDATE September 12th, 2006 A brief Week One Games recap from The Commish... Neil's Clarett's Innocent took high points in week 1 and congratulations to "rookie" Marc Rabin who celebrates his return to the league with a Hell Froze Over one point victory! Other winners were Return of the Binder (Priest who?), Favrefegnugen (thank you Charlie Batch and so long Trent Green), Best One (That 20 team's looking kind of Soft, eh?), South Discomfort (Brian L now has bragging rights to Virginia until the next time he plays Jim Flinn) and The Croc Hunters (Kenny loses but the J-E-T-S win!) September 11th, 2006 The first entry of the season comes from Kevin "The Croc Hunter" Kelly who provides us with this cautionary tale, a running diary of his nightmarish experience trying to park the car before Sunday night's Manning Bowl at The Meadowlands in New Jersey... Ok, a little diary from last nights Jints/Colts game….sitting in Section 223, row 4 seats 1 & 2. 4:30 PM Depart Manalapan
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