September 24th, 2009

Week 2. Where we start separating the men from the boys (and Rob from the cows). Where the men are men and the sheep are nervous (and they’re glad that Rob picked the cows!)… Manning and Manning-HAM it up in Big D to destroy Jerry’s opening of The Palace In Dallas. And I have to ask, were those go-go dancers or cheerleaders up in the rafters? If my eyes didn’t deceive me on that breakaway to commercial on Sunday night then I guess the place isn’t totally finished yet and the cages and poles are coming later? Meanwhile, an undrafted Baltimore running back becomes the most sought after free-agent since Edgar Bennett and what’s with all the ties this week, wasn’t Father’s Day way back in June? On to the recaps…

Flinnegan Wins Again and begins their stint at the top of the standings after a 54 - 43 ending of Plaxico’s innocence. It’s a Flinn’s first appearance in first since the days of the Ray Lewis Limo Service. So should they hold on to the lead all season, one could say that With Flinnegan, Flinn Wins Again! We’re still without a name for the leprechaun on the team helmet, a case of Lucky Charms cereal to the league owner who proposes the best name. Maybe a theme for next week’s league poll if I get enough responses?... It’s worth nothing that although he wasn’t involved in this week “cravate-fest” (it’s French look it up) Neil is the all-time ties leader with 10, while Ken holds the single season record with 4. Now there’s something Ken forgot to mention in his “get to know me” email! Give all the rest of you guys something to shoot for…

Our 48th tie in league history is also our highest scoring tie of all-time as Win (Tie?) One For The Flipper and Best One engaged in a good old defenseless 59 – 59 mexican standoff. The previous league record had stood since Week 12 of 2004 when Don’s He-Man Cowboy Haters and Joe & Chuck’s Franks & Beans deadlocked at 58. Apparently this whole Win One For The Flipper thing isn’t really working and Flipper’s a little bit ticked off after only getting a tie and a loss for all their high scoring efforts the first two weeks of the season. Well here’s a tip. How about Playing Some Defense For The Flipper? So now that we’ve got the highest tie, what was the lowest one you ask? Well taking the Wayback Machine all the way to 1994 we find a 13-all tie between Looney Tunes (Neil and Bubba Ack) and Rob’s Bad Things Man. Bad things indeed if you can’t score more than 13 point against what would become a last place team, but not half as bad as the whole cow incident now is it?

All Don’s guys scored points, well enough of them anyways. Led by Chris Johnson’s mega-bonus week (2 long rushing TDs and one long catch), All My Guys Have Stickers stuck it to Clear The Steel Curtain 53 – 37. In the post game press conference, Brian B lamented falling out of first place but said “it was clear that Clear The Steel Curtain clearly needed to steer clear of Chris Johnson!” Don then took the podium and had to answer to the rumors that in between Weeks 1 and 2 he had all the running backs on his team fitted with their own “Robo Legs”. He denied those rumors but when presented with some side-by-side video evidence showing Chris Johnson speeding up downfield alongside pictures of Don vigorously pressing what appears to be some sort of remote control, Don demurred and said he could no longer take any questions as his own leg was hurting an he needed to take it in for an oil change…

Our 49th tie in league history has Rob fit be tied (hog-tied? Steer-roped?) as Dirty Sanchez and John & Kevin Plus Eleven play to a 32 – 32 standstill. Now they say a tie is like kissing your sister right? Well even knowing what Rob’s into, I don’t believe he wants to do that. Then again, I’ve never met Rob’s sister. Does he even have one? Is her name Elsie or Clarabelle? Rob’s spent the past week in India, apparently I’m not the only one managing offshore computer programmers these days, and was watching the Sunday night action at like 5:30 in the morning when a late Steve Smith TD catch locked up the tie. Rob immediately announced via Twitter that he was not happy with his team (0 RB points in two weeks) and was renaming his team The Jai Hoes in honor of his visit to The Subcontinent… Meanwhile back in the States I just have to ask “who are you and what have you done with the real Kevin Kelly”? From the preseason list of potential team name to this week’s “news headlines”, Kevin’s becoming less offensive and real funny to watch. Which puts him in the same company as the Cleveland Browns and the Washington Redskins now doesn’t it?

Now since Ken’s already told you about his team when he started this week’s trash-talking e-mail thread, and he doesn’t expect the News & Notes to be written anyways, we’ll just skip writing about his team altogether, but throw a “Yo what’s up” shout-out to Pam because (a) we haven’t heard from her in awhile and (b) we want to remain on the Sharp discount TV list as the holidays are coming up quickly! As for their opponents The Binder To Laptop Boyz, losers by a score of 66 – 34, word in the locker room after the game was that they were not going to go to McDonalds for their post-game meal as usual, but would instead be frequenting the local Burger King. You see, they used to love the McRib sandwich until their boy McNabb suffered that bruised rib last week, now the karma’s all wrong and they’ll be feasting on the BK Dollar Menu until they can accrue the first and many more of those $3 win prizes…

The Children Of The Zorn remain undefeated after putting the Malachai Crunch (as opposed to the Malachi Crunch for you “Happy Days” fans) on Once Upon A Tailback In America, winning by a score of 39 – 23 while pushing The Fab-ulous one down into the league’s “whine” cellar. Tell me Fab, can one send a horses head to a scarecrow? And do you use the USPS Flat Rate box for that or you need to ship it FedEx? For Children owner Brian, this is a happy time, his fantasy baseball team is currently in first place, his fantasy football team is undefeated, the Yankees have clinched a playoff berth and lo and behold even the Raiders have won a game already! Who says there’s no joy in Mudville? Not sure I can say the same about the other Zorn owner as despite the early success in fantasy football, Thomas The Tank Engine can’t be too happy sitting back watching his favorite NFL team kicking field goals all day. If I may paraphrase Debbie Harry in her song “Heart Of (Thomas) Glass”, “I once loved Jason Campbell and it was a gas. Soon found out that he just can’t pass…” Am I right Tommy Boy? Can I get a witness…

DJ, it’s getting close to Halloween, cue me up some Oingo Boingo, will ya? “It’s a Dead Man’s Party, who could ask for more?” Certainly not Marc as his Steve McDead squad outlasted Beat It (…With One Glove), 47 – 39, ensuring that while we’re only in Week 2, Joe & Charlie have already matched last season’s loss total of one (1). With the victory Marc now holds the Graveyard Trophy, named for the winningest team amongst all those with names linked to dead people. Considering that no one else in the league has such a name this season (unless Plaxico has a freak Rube Goldberg-esque prison incident involving the dropping of a bar of soap-on-a-rope and the subsequent misfiring of a rifle) it looks like Marc’s going to be keeping this thing until next season as these two teams are not scheduled to meet again unless they match up in the position round playoffs… In the post game press conference Charlie immediately blamed the loss on Joe’s lack of drafting acumen and Joe turned right around and blamed Brad Lidge for the defeat. Beat It indeed, as in “dead horse”. No Rob, you need to stay away from this one and get back to the living cows…

Week 3 match-ups shape up thusly… The quest to Win One For The Flipper (0-1-1) continues when they take on the also winless Binder To Laptop (0-2). Rob leaves the cows behind (notice there’s no apostrophe in there!) and tackles necrophilia when Dirty Sanchez (0-1-1) meets up with Steve McDead (2-0). Clear The Steel Curtain (1-1) has an early season rematch with (Just Win) Once Upon A Tailback In America (0-2). In a battle of unbeatens, Flinnegan Begin Again (2-0) puts their title belt on the line against the Children Of The Zorn (2-0). Best One (0-1-1) tries to get the best of All My Guys Have Stickers (1-1). Plaxico’s Innocent (1-1) gets John & Kevin Plus Eleven (1-0-1) and in another Week 1 rematch that we’re sure to hear about via e-mail, Pam And Da Boyz (1-1) lock up with Beat It (…With One Glove) (1-1).

So I’ve just had it confirmed that Rob is in fact on his way back from India. There was a small argument with customs officials at the airport in Bangalore (don’t even go there with that name Kevin, yes it’s a real city) and I must say we’re all proud of Rob as he did not get angry, or you might say he refrained from “having a cow”. Now if only he had only shown that same restraint the night before… With the near ending of this column I officially sign-off on the “Rob and a cow” jokes for the rest of the season (why use the cow if the milk’s free) but I retain the rights to bring this back somehow, tastefully done of course, in the annual “Night Before Xmas” column. I’ll leave you for this week (and over 1,800 words later) realizing that this final item is not football related but I need to get it off my chest since we don’t have a basketball league to talk about this in. If this Russian guy succeeds in buying the New Jersey NBA team, what are the chances he changes their name to the Nyets? Thank you, I’m here ‘til Thursday, glad you enjoyed the show, please tip your waitresses and drive home safely… ‘til next week…

September 17th, 2009

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, we’re so glad you could attend (with the exception of birthdays, soccer games, et al), come inside, come inside… It’s Week 1 in the All My Rowdy Friends Fantasy Football League and while this may not last the entire season, The Commish is fresh and rested enough at this point to actually write a honest to goodness, gen-u-ine News & Notes column, opting for the old school game-by-game recap format to get the blood flowing again. He’s shooting for 10 paragraphs and the over/under is set at fifteen hundred words so let’s get right to it before he changes his mind shall we…

Last year’s defending champs, Beat It (…With One Glove) hold off a late charge from Pam And Da Boyz, winning their first game of the season by a score of 41 – 37. For Joe & Charlie it’s their 9th straight win and 17th win in their last 18 games dating back to last season. But if we go back one more year to 2007, when they finished the season on a 1 – 4 slide, it’s just their 18th win in the last 23 games. See, they’re human after all; which is probably more than we can say about the team’s gloved namesake... Apparently there was some confusion on Da Boyz sidelines near the end of the game that may have led to their defeat as the guy calling plays, Kenny The Elder, had to leave early to go to a soccer game and had not put anyone in his place manning the headset which caused much confusion amongst Da Boyz two rookie QBs who were forced to go with plays like “everyone go long”, “cut in between the Chevy and the Prius” and “student body left”, which of course is a change from “student body right” in honor of our new president’s more liberal left-wing leaning tendencies…

Flinnegan begins the season with a winnegan as Jim & Mike find their pot of gold at the end of the Week 1 rainbow, handing the upgraded Binder To Laptop a narrow 40 – 37 defeat. Mayhem then ensued in the post-game press conference. As Jim was summing up his team’s victory, none other than Kanye West stormed into the press room, took Jim’s microphone right out of his hand and declared that while he was not taking anything away from their victory, he believed that the Binder Boys have a much better team than Jim & Mike do and they should’ve been the winners. “Come on”, ranted Kanye, “they’re the best! You got to have them!” Jim then gave Kanye a (Taylor) swift kick in the arse and sent him on his way while muttering something under his breath that sounded like “they’re always after me Lucky Charms”…

They say people who draft from Glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. But they said nothing about throwing touchdowns! Brian and Thomas a.k.a. The Children Of The Zorn “brees” to a 48 – 40 victory over Bruce and Alex’s Win One For The Flipper on the back of the Saints QB’s six (yes, 6!) TD throws and fight off a 3 TD performance from #1 overall pick Adrian “I’m not the guy from the Bears” Peterson. After the game, Young Alex, not happy with his team’s loss, promptly threw his dad under the bus, proclaiming that he wouldn’t have drafted so many Dolphins had he been in charge of the draft day war room. Why are we relying on the “skill and experience” of a guy who’s just the PA announcer at his kid’s football game and not the kid himself who happens to play both offense and defense and thank you very much he was now going home to sulk and listen to some Taylor Swift music on his iPod…

Once upon a time in America they didn’t kick field goals and it appears Fabrizio has taken his team back to that time as a lack of three-pointers from the kicking team cost Once Upon A Tailback In America a chance to stay competitive with Brian B’s Clear The Steel Curtain. Clear was clearly the better team in this one, outscoring Once 54 – 30 and taking the first week’s high points dollar in the process. Upon closer inspection it appears that there was actually no kicking in this game whatsoever as even Clear’s placekicker had a Josh Brown(out) as the Rams got shut out in their opening contest. As a result of his high scoring week, Double-B Brian starts the season in first place, let’s see if he can take this thing wire-to-wire for a “clear” cut championship…

Yes, all of Don “Robo-Leg” Cardoza’s guys have stickers but apparently not enough of them had touchdowns as Marc’s Steve McDead gets a McWin over Don’s All My Guys Have Stickers team in a 44 – 30 victory. Given his team’s win in Week One, Marc is reluctant to tinker with success, but there was a rumor floating around the press box at halftime that the team’s name would be changed to Swayze’s McDead in honor of the recent passing of movie star Patrick Swayze (“Dirty Dancing”, “Roadhouse”, “Red Dawn”, “Ghost”). When asked to address said rumor, Marc simply replied, “No one puts Baby in a coffin! Sorry folks but he’s like the wind now”. By the way, those of you who weren’t at Kevin’s for the draft (not that I’m still bitter about this or anything) will not have gotten my above “Robo-Leg” comment about Don. As a way of explanation I’ve got six words for you “artificial leg, remote control, freakin’ sweet!”…

Neil gets a birthday present and continues to prove that crime does pay as he racks up three George Washingtons for Plaxico’s Innocent’s 40 – 30 win over Russ and his Best One squad. When asked about his team’s lack of scoring, Mr. Jones replied, “well it seems we weren’t making rational decisions and kind of shot ourselves in the foot in the second half which of course played right into Team Plax’s hands”. No word on whether or not Antonio Pierce drove Russ away from the press conference after the game.

Wipe that sh*t eating grin off your face Kevin! Yes we know that John And Kevin Plus Eleven kicked the crap out of Rob’s Dirty Sanchez, winning by a score of 45 – 25, but do you have to flaunt and taunt the poor guy? You’re only giving him bulletin board fodder for this week when you have to turn right around (bend over) and play him again due to a scheduling quirk resulting from us randomly picking Week 1 matchups out of a hat. If we had randomly scrambled things using Don’s leg remote maybe we wouldn’t be in this predicament. What if we disguised you by drawing a pencil-thin mustache (using brown eyeliner of course) on your face so Rob won’t recognize you when he sees you in the papers?...

Week 2 matchups include the aforementioned rematch between John And Kevin Plus Eleven (1-0) and Dirty Sanchez (0-1). Win One For The Flipper (0-1) and Best One (0-1) battle for their first win of the season. Steve McDead (1-0) and Beat It (…With One Glove) (1-0) face off in a battle of teams paying tribute to dead guys. The Binder To Laptop (0-1) Boyz meet Pam And Da Boyz (0-1) in a game where the Boyz are definitely back in town! All My Guys Have Stickers (0-1) attempts to get a (remote controlled) leg up on Clear The Steel Curtain (1-0). Flinnegan Begin Again (1-0) and Plaxico’s Innocent (1-0) meet in a matchup of early season unbeatens and Children Of The Zorn (1-0) travel back to Once Upon A Tailback In America (0-1).

So what do you think? Does The Commish have his N&N mojo back? Yeah I know, you all want to see at least three more readable columns come out on time before saying anything. Can’t say I blame you… Thank you all once again for an extremely efficient and enjoyable draft! I’m really not angry over the draft day no-shows, it was a perfect storm of plausible excuses and everyone’s since kicked in with some good ideas for how we might improve attendance in the future so we’ll call it water on the bridge for now and we’ll actually try to cross that same bridge before next season. But for now, it’s “Game On!” (“Car!”… “Game On!”) in the 2009 All My Rowdy Friends Fantasy Football League so good luck to everyone in Week 2 and the rest of the season! By the way, if you had “over 1500 words, you’re a winner”! If you want proof just cut and paste this into Microsoft Word and do a little “File, Properties, Statistics tab” off the menu. 1,519 words to be exact. Yeah baby! I am to the News & Notes what Drew Brees is to passing yardage! Hey, much better off being the prolific Drew Brees type this season instead of the indecisive, on-again, off-again Brett Favre that I was last season, right? ‘til next week…