September 23rd, 2010

Week 2 in the NFL where Michael Vick once again established "top dog" status after the bloom came off the rose, er cob, er make that the Kolb. The Dallas Cowboys find themselves in a deeper hole than those Chilean miners, Braylon Edwards is also in something deep and it smells like doo-doo and Randy Moss went deep to find the immunity idol on Revis Island. Over in the Rowdy, the ranks of the undefeated go five deep, our worst-to-first and first-to-worst cross-overs are both still alive and a rookie is Dustin off the playbook and bringing back deep memories of the immortal Dave Kang. Looking at the transactions Gronkowski's out, but Gradkowski's in and 'round and 'round the QBs go, where they'll stop nobody knows...

But our first stop in the recaps is with Pam And Da Boyz as The Draft Host remains undefeated after a 57 - 47 Besting of One Russ in a high scoring affair. If you're into wordplay and alliteration one could simply say that Best One was basically bested by Best, Jahvid Best that is! He's the Best, got to have him! Five TDs in two games thus far for the rookie RB from Detroit has Ken rockin' the city. Couple that with the usual magic from the legacy pick Cincinnati kicker (Nugent with 5 FGs vs the Ravens) and Da Boyz are just (cat) scratchin' the surface of what they can do this year.

Meanwhile on the other side of the coin the defending champ can't get a toehold (don't even mention the leg!) on the competition as Don drops to 0 - 2, falling in de-feet to Rob's Golden Taint 20 - 16 in a defensive struggle. Rob's once again holding open auditions for RBs (Grant, Maroney, R.I.P.) and fat backs need not apply. The Taint is 1 - 1 after two despite scoring just 42 points thus far. As for Don he might be looking for a complete re-draft at this point after scoring a miserly 40 points in two games. 82 points in four games combined (just 10 points higher than one team's score this week alone) and as you'd imagine these two teams are currently 13th and 14th in the league in scoring. I know Don would Eat his own Leg for a win right now (or would that action be considered tasting de-feet?). But if we're double dog daring and munching on the body parts in our team names for much needed fantasy football assistance I'm not quite sure Rob would be up to the task...

Fireman Ed (Eddie K? No Eddie Giacomin who do you think we're talking about?) wins a real slobberknocker 46 - 44 over Neil & Marc's USC's Innocent to move to 2 - 0 and the early lead in the Deux Division. Neil thought he had the Real McCoy (PHI RB Lesean's 24 points) but needed more than that to fight this fire(man). Ed's off to the best start we've seen from a rookie in quite some time. Way back in 1996 it was Dave Kang's One More Penalty Minute squad (yeah we know this is football not hockey but there's story behind that name, I'll save it for another time) winning it all in his freshman year, since then, been a whole lot of rookie hazing going on. Like taking away the rook's starting QB (Kolb), which hasn't seemed to faze Ed yet as he's been playing with 11 and still winning thus far. Been the fountain of consistency actually scoring 46 points each of the first two weeks. Not sure if he's going to petition the league for a team name change (Dustin The Freeman?) but if the team name's gonna become his biggest issue all season, well then the rest of us are just playing for 2nd place...

Another undefeated team are the dynamic duo of Brian and Tom who are Kickin' Some Grass. Some Lerman grass that is as they take their second straight from Bruce and Alex, this time grabbing the high points dollar along the way in a 72 - 47 rout of Blame It On Dad. No rant from Alex this week but Dad's sure fired up and wanting some 'splaining from the schedule makers as he sees his team with 4th high overall points after two weeks and not a victory to show for it. You know this sort of thing seems to happen every season where one team gets the ole schedule jinx but I must show some sympathy for Blamin' Bruce right now as I do believe this is the second time in recent history he's been bitten by this particular bug...

What's going on in the Third Division? Isn't this supposed to be the guys who sucked last season? Well it's a whole new year as far as they're all concerned, as Fab leads his Untouchdownables squad to a 31 - 24 win over John & Kevin's Rexual Healing and becomes the third team from the third divison to start the season at 2 and oh! Fab evens his career record at .500 and improves to 9 - 7 lifetime against Kevin with the victory, but he's still just 7 - 10 all time versus The Commish. Now I'm left wondering if Rexual Healing is smart enough to play matchups the rest of the season and bench whichever owner has the worst lifetime record versus the team they're playing that week? Bring a new meaning to one of these guys being placed on the "physcially unable to perform list" wouldn't it? Better ask their wives about that one...

Joe & Charlie, a.k.a. The (My) Bironas Brothers (awaiting lawsuit from Disney and those Jo(e)nas dudes while I continue typing) move out in front of the First Division with a 44 - 32 victory over Totally Unprepared (For Football Season). Mike and Jim are hoping that the Flinnegans win again soon but maintain their focus on the baseball league where they've opened up a little lead with two weeks left to go over there. And in the nightcap Clear The Playbook shows Joe's Guarantee the power (trap) as Brian B evens things up at 1 - 1 with a 40 - 23 win in a toss-up over Bobby and Nick. Hey Bobby did that iPad of Mike's come with a money back guarantee? Honestly I'm not sure what Joe's Guaranteeing this time around but 40 something years ago it was a victory and from the looks of things you ain't got one of those yet. I say you kick it back old school, ditch the iPad and break out the binder or better yet dust off the old Trapper Keeper until about Week 8 and see if you can't get yourselves back into this thing, eh?

Week 3 games feature Pam And Da Boyz (2 - 0) touching down against The Untouchdownables (2 - 0) in a battle of undefeated and early bragging rights in the Third Division. My Bironas (2 - 0) tries to avoid tasting defeat of Golden Taint (1 - 1). Kickin' Some Grass (2 - 0) is a big favorite against Clear 65 Toss Power Trap (1 - 1). Dustin The Corn Off The Freeman (2 - 0) tries to stay on a roll when they meet Joe's Guarantee (0 - 2). Someone's getting off the Scheid when Best One (0 - 2) and Blame It On Dad (0 - 2) are done. USCs Innocent (1 - 1) thanks the schedule makers for the it's-still-baseball-season matchup with Totally Unprepared (0 - 2) and Don't Eat The Leg (0 - 2) stands up against Rexual Healing (1 - 1).

Thanks to everyone who sent me Thursday night "Happy Birthday" wishes, much appreciated. Perhaps even more appreciated was the fact that no one asked me how old I was! I think I know the reason for that is that we're all pretty much in that same boat there, aren't we? We can count touchdowns and field goals without much trouble but when it comes to counting birthday's I can't seem to get past 39 for some strange reason. Nick and Alex stay young forever dudes! 'til next week...

September 15th, 2010

Sainz, Sainz, everywhere there's Sainz. Signs that it's finally football season that is, and not just on the Jets practice field or in the locker room. And while you may not agree with the call at the end of the Lions game, we can certainly all agree on one thing. It's great to be back here in fantasy football land with all our Rowdy Friends as we kick of our 20th (yes I said 20th!) season. Since it is a historic season, two decades and we're still at this, I'm going to try to sprinkle in some league history throughout the columns this season.

Let's get this party started with a recap of the game between the current leaders in the baseball and football league. Of course that lead-in could only imply one thing. That being in first place in the baseball league gets you absolutely nothing in football terms. The Flinn's Totally Unprepared football squad (no that's their own team name not the Jets, although the name does fit doesn't it?) dropped the opener, losing to Pam And Da Boyz, 69 - 28 and making the Draft Host the morning line favorite after Week 1. Do we have a worst-to-first in the making here? Well not sure about that, but after doing some research on the league's history web site, aptly named Historically Rowdy, I come to find that Draft Hosts are 10 - 10 in season opening games and counting Ken's victory this past week have now won their last 4 times out. With the loss, Mike joins the "Century Losers Club" after taking his 100th career Rowdy Friends loss. Don't worry Mike, you've still got more wins than losses and there's a nice golden pin that comes with joining the club, although mine seems to have acquired a tarnished "taint" to it; but more on Rob in a later paragraph. When approached for a quote after the game, Ken just threw footballs at the sideline reporter and screamed "Flinn Still Sucks"...

While we may have a worst-to-first in the works there's also something happening in the opposite direction as Don fails to get a leg up on his title defense (maybe Bud's still got a hold?), dropping a 33 - 24 decision to Neil & Marc's USC's Innocent. With the help of Historically Rowdy, we calculate that defending champs are just 7 - 12 on opening week, and counting Don's demise have now lost 4 of their last 5. So how real is the possibility of a first-to-worst? Well it's happened twice in league history, first by Ian "Mercury" Morris in 1993 and then duplicated by Dave Kang "Kong" in 1997. It's also worth noting that no one's ever repeated with back-to-back titles in this league although Mr. Innocence himself, Neil, has come the closest with a title in 2001 then a 2nd place finish in 2002, followed by another 2nd in 2003 before winning again in 2004.

It was certainly an auspicious debut for Fireman Ed. Unlike the guys his team is named for, Kevin Kolb and Dustin Keller, rookie Ed stayed in the game, ran straight to the first down marker and got a win in his inaugural Rowdy Friends game, besting Best One and Russ by a score of 46 - 28. Don't worry Russ, we've got a consolation prize for you and it appears in the paragraph about Fab's game. As for some more historical context, courtesy of Historically Rowdy, active owners are just 7 - 15 in their first Rowdy Friends games and Ed joins only Brian B, Joe & Charlie, Kevin, Marc and Pam as first time winners. For the rest of us it was a debut of a most inauspicious nature.

Drafting from the Billy Joel album, a.k.a. "Glass's House", Brian and Thomas discover that Sometime's A Fantasy football season is all you need. You May Be Right, they may be crazy, but it just may be a victory they were looking for. Kickin' Some Grass defeats Blame It On Dad 47 - 42 in the first of what due to a random scheduling anomaly turns out to be a home and home series in the season's first two weeks. Don't Ask Me Why that happened but since we started randomly drawing up the Week One schedule while keeping Weeks 2 through 15 intact from season to season we seem to be getting one of these every year. This series shifts from Virginia to New Jersey in Week 2 where Alex has already blamed Bruce for the loss. "Seriously Dad, Mark freakin' Sanchez AND Braylon Edwards?! I thought we were Dolphins fans? When did we make the heel turn and why didn't Vince McMahon inform me ahead of time? Geez, why didn't we just load up on Cleveland Browns, at least that Hillis dude scored and we could've called our team The Cleveland Steamers because this roster sure does stink like one..."

When the Week One schedule was drawn and Bobby found out he was playing The Commish's team he said something along the lines of "good, we don't want any cupcakes on the schedule". Well then Rexual Healing takes the cake baby! Joe's Guarantee is going to need some healing of the non-Rexual kind after falling by a score of 56 - 30 to The Commish and Kevin, who got a Woody Johnson of his own after all his team's early first half scoring in the 1PM games! Bobby gets his real cupcake in Week 7 when he plays Rob's team. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Rob's team sucks or anything, just that any owner with "marshmallowpie.com" in his email address has to be considered a cupcake right? Not a fruit cake mind you (not that there's anything wrong with that), just a cupcake... Despite the loss, we already see a noticeable technology upgrade in the Migliore's game plans. The binder was upgraded to a laptop a few years back but now the team is sporting an iPad as displayed by original franchise founder (and now mere figurehead. Come on boys let the guy take Akers!) Mike at the draft. Contrast this to Kevin Kelly's pink laptop (he swears it's his daughters, I'm still waiting for incontrovertible proof however) and it's a wonder how we scored any points at all against these guys much less won. One final thought here is that I think I really need to reconsider the trading rules in this league if only to allow a deal between Ken and Bobby because come on, "he's the Jahvid Best, and they (Bobby & Nick) have got to have him!"

Joe & Charlie just seem to have "the Knack" for winning don't they? Even lots of distracting pictures of Caroline Wozniacki and her "dromendary digit" couldn't help Rob here as (muh, muh, muh) My Bironas knacked (er, knocked) off Golden Taint 33 - 22. What was the name of that other Knack song? Good Girls Don't (Show Cameltoe)? Whole lot of carnage here too as Joe's self-proclaimed "early reach of the draft because I want the combo" Lions QB Matthew Stafford went down along with Rob's "tainted" running back Ryan Grant who's now lost for the year after suffering a season ending ankle injury on Sunday. Not so "golden" there after all, eh? Rob, might I suggest you work a bit on that "Midas touch" lest your season be "muffled" by October.

Congratulations to Don Fabio as he gets his 100th career win as The Untouchdownables score a few anyway and whack Brian B's Clear 65 Toss Power Trap by a final score of 34 - 23. If I can paraphrase Johnny Nash, we can see clearly now the game is done, and what we can clearly see is that Clear 65 needs to score more points if they're expecting to win this season. However, one good scoring note is that in this game Clear's Rob Gronkowski becomes the all-time league points leader amongst the "stickerless" after a TD catch moves him ahead of the immortal Tony Hunt in that category. If you recall from the draft there was talk about which lucky owner would get to face Fab in Week 8, a week in which I believe 14 of his 12 players are on byes. Well that lucky winner is none other than Best One Jones. Now Bobby, there's a cupcake game for you!

Week 2 matchups look like this: Pam And The Boyz (1-0) try to remain best against Best One (0-1). Don't Eat The Leg (0-1) runs into the Golden Taint (0-1), and don't worry, napkins will be provided. The Untouchdownables (1-0) wake up (wake up, wake up) against Rexual Healing (1-0). In a "luck of the random draw" rematch it's Kickin' Some Grass (1-0) once again locking horns with Blame It On Dad (0-1). Joe's Guarantee (0-1) guarantees a win or your money back when they take on Clear 65 Toss Power Trap (0-1). USC's Innocent (1-0) is looking for a jailbreak when they meet Dustin The Corn Off The Kolb (1-0) and My Bironas (1-0) takes on the (still?) Totally Unprepared (0-1) who have their focus on the baseball standings at the moment.

So Reggie Bush voluntarily surrendered the Heisman, eh? Well NCAA, stick that in your Kardashian and smoke it. While we're at it can we have Matt Leinart, Mark Sanchez, Mike Williams, Joe McKnight and Brian Cushing turn in their egos too? Coach Carroll's collecting them over there in that pillowcase he's holding. Yep, just drop them right in there with your car keys and any extra testosterone you happen to be carrying. Have we ever seen a bigger group of supposedly big time college players from the same team become such busts in the NFL? So Neil, USC's innocent, right? Oh wait, isn't that also where O.J. went to school? So Carroll flees the USC program for the greener (teal-er?) pastures of the Seattle Seahawks while Lane Kiffin distances himself from Al "The Crypt Keeper" Davis and ends up back at his alma mater (by way of Tennessee). It's the Circle Of Life my friends, and it rules us all. As does this crazy little game we call fantasy football! Good luck to everyone this season, may the best team win; and the worst team get the #1 pick in the 2011 Rowdy Friends draft. 'til next week...