So as Hurricane Isabel comes ashore in North Carolina we football fans sit here with at least two thoughts on our minds. One, can Isabel please take Panther's QB Rodney Peete north with it when it leaves Carolina? I hear the Toronto Argonauts might need a backup signal caller. And secondly, where is the Miami University mascot? What do they call that type of bird? Is it an "ibis"? And isn't it supposed to be one of those "hurricane seeking" birds? Anyway, speaking of seeking out disaster, I wonder if Jim Fassel's gotten over the food poisoning he got last Monday night when he got a bad taste of Tuna! Forget about that whole anything can happen in a New York minute stuff. Let's redefine the phrase "East Rutherford Eleven Seconds". How 'bout dem Cowboys!… Jamal Lewis sure had a big day running the football, didn't he? 295 yards! Wow, I didn't realize that the kid from The Cosby Show was that good! Uh, never mind, that was Malcom Jamal Warner, wasn't it?… Oh and speaking of fleeting fame and guys surnamed Warner (ring up another nice segue for The Commish!), Kurt Warner, it was sure nice knowing you. Please enjoy the rest of your pitiful existence as a backup NFL QB. We wish you the best and sincerely hope that butt ugly Boy George clone of a wife of yours doesn't decide to leave you now that your 15 minutes are up. Oh, and can I get your phone number? I know a guy who works for Home Depot, says he might be needing a new shelf clerk real soon. So Coach Martz, is that a Bulger dropping back in the pocket or are you just happy to see me…

Over in the Rowdy Friends league the scores were high. Starting with Mike & Jim, who rocked The Commish & Mark (like a hurricane) as The Bi-Polar Bears ran up the charges on Mr. Underhill's Credit Card, taking the high points dollar to boot, in a 68 - 36 washout. Of course, the Polars had Jamal Lewis and his 24 point, two bonus TD performance to back them up. A nice little factoid to note here is that Corey Dillon, the previous record holder for most rushing yards in a game, was also a member of a Mike Flinn owned team back when he set the record. You might recall that that team was named Ray Lewis Limo Service. Ray Lewis, Jamal Lewis? Irony can be so ironic some times… The Commish and Mark got a real scare this past week when their top RB and #1 pick, Clinton Portis, left the game with a bruised chest. In order to prevent this type of injury from occuring again, Card team physician Dr. Machiedo has suggested that Portis accumulate as much chest hair as The Commish, thereby providing more than adequate padding to prevent any future chest bruises. The Chest Hair Club For Men, not only is The Commish a client, he's the president as well…

OK, so from that visual, let's move on to something a little less disturbing… But only a little as Glory Days loses a Monday night heartbreaker to No Helmets, No Pads…Just Balls by the narrowest of margins 35 - 34. Unlike Jim Fassel, Glory's fate was sealed early in the game when No Helmet QB Quincy Carter "M.D." ran in a TD. After the game, the Days owners gathered together in an undisclosed location where it was rumored the team has decided to have a recall vote to remove Mike Malure as owner. Of course, had this been California, not only would we have Bobby and Nick (Malure: The Next Generation) fighting for control of the team, we'd also have Gary Coleman, Arnie and some guy named Cruz looking to take over this much maligned franchise… For Brian it's No Helmets, No Pads…Just Wins as he opens the season at 2 - 0. After seeing that this team actually does have some potential, Brian's wife Sarah has decided to come back on board and is now listed as the co-owner of the team. Of course, in California, she would've been listed as co-owner of her husband's property whether she opted in or not, but like I mentioned before, this isn't California…

The season's early leader for the "Marshall Faulk/Edgar Bennett" Award goes to Kevin Kelly, who dumped T.J. Duckett last week, only to have to watch him score twice this past week. Not to worry though, as Duckett's replacement Ladell "Dickie" Betts rambled (cause Lord he was born a ramblin' man) for a TD of his own, allowing Cortisone Injection to double up on Sleeping With The Fish by a score of 52 - 26 and open the season 2 - 0. Things aren't going too well for the Sleeping Fish, who've yet to win a game and team owner Fab promises that things are going to change at the Aquarium if business doesn't start to pick up! "You see that guy Shamu over there in that there tank? You know what kind of fish he is? Don't make me tell you what kind of fish he is! Yeah, that's right, a killer whale. Get it? "Killer"! Good, I'm glad we understand each other…"

Ian and Don Ho Jolley also open the season up at 2 and Oh as Late For Luau defeats Bubba's Brew Crew 57 - 37 behind a large offensive output from their Seahawk contingent. Two wins to start the season is quite a turnaround for the Late For boys as it took them until Week 15 to win their 2nd game last year. So while their luck may be coming around, we can't let all this success go to the Pacific Northwest, can we? What we need to do here is generate a bid of bad Karma for Late For Luau. You see my plan is really simple. First, we need to get ourselves a hold of one of those taboo statuettes like the one that Greg Brady finds in the cave and then curses him while he's surfing in the Brady Bunch Hawaii episodes, remember? Then we get ourselves a hairy black widow spider and some creepy music and we're all set! "It's a handoff to Shaun Alexander off right tackle and… Oh my word, I think he's torn his entire leg from the hip to the ankle" {insert creepy music here as the black widow spider crawls across the field}…

Apparently Ken still likes his team even though KGB III fell once again, dropping to 0 - 2 on the season after losing to The Penske File 39 - 24. Despite scoring only 68 points in two weeks, The File is currently undefeated. The Brothers Caruso, advocates for a more equitable playoff system prior to the season, have now become quite silent on the topic. And exactly where are those weapons of mass destruction anyway? Oh sorry, same "loud voice, quite voice" scenario, wrong topic. What I really mean is that wouldn't it suck to go like 15 - 0, then lose the first playoff week to the #4 seed that snuck in at 9 - 8? And wouldn't it really suck if that team was KGB III? Of course this scenario is a little far fetched, not that Guy and Joe can't go out 15 - 0, I just can't see KGB running off 9 of the next 15 to get back over .500. Already rumblings are beginning to be heard from KGB headquarters in Waldwick. Young Kenny 3 (The Search For Spock) and family pet Budweiser (now with less carbs!) have pointed the finger at Ken & Pam stating they were nowhere in the vicinity on Draft Day and can't be held responsible for the recent carnage in the Kremlin…

Rob, I've got one question for you this week? Can any of your girls "D" it up? The Girlie Man Defense once again fails for Hanratty as Guys With Girl's Names gets spanked (easy there boys!) by Medulla Oblongata 66 - 32. That's now 118 points given up by The Girls in the first two weeks of the season, which some quick math shows us is an average of 59 points against per game. Gee, just ten more points each week and they'd be averaging a 69 against every week. Against what? Uh, never mind… Moving over to Camp Medulla, we see the offerings at the temple have begun paying off as the high Priest Holmes (18 points on 3 TD runs) continues to be the "brains" off this operation. Now if the simple offerings of the Waterboy can produce 66 points, just imagine what a human sacrifice by Joe of co-owner Charlie would do for the offense. Not that I'm condoning any such sort of behavior or anything, but he is getting married again and this may be our last chance to save him…

And last, but certainly not least, Brian Boghosian (Can you here me now? Good!) reaches out and touches Kang Kong, remaining undefeated and still in first place as Keep On Rolling Along keeps on rolling along with a 59 - 38 win over the Korean Gorilla. Dave blames his 0 and 2 start out of the gates on the disruption of his Stewart Plan. You see the presence of both Kordell and James Stewart on the team this season was supposed to have some kind of synergistic effect, lifting the team to heights unseen since the One More Penalty Minute days. Unfortunately all this good karma was interrupted by James Stewart's season ending injury (creepy music, black widow spider creeping across the column here…). So in order to make up for lost time and hopefully right the Kong ship, this week Kang will cut all four of his wide receivers and replace them with Martha Stewart, NASCAR driver Tony Stewart, the ghost of Jimmy Stewart, and 80's glam pop singer Jermaine Stewart. "We don't have to take our clothes off, to have a good time, no, no." Sorry 'bout that last breakout into song there. I should've realized that some of you may still not have recovered from that chest hair reference way back in the second paragraph…

Week 3 match-ups are as follows: KGB III (0 - 2) looks to get off the schneid when they play the mighty Tiki god, Late For Luau (2 - 0). Mr. Underhill's Credit Card (1 - 1) hopes they're not Sleeping With The Fish (0 - 2) after this week. Medulla Oblongata (1 - 1) tries to outsmart No Helmets, No Pads…Just Balls (2 - 0). Glory Days (0 - 2) rolls on into town to face Keep It Rolling Along (2 - 0). The Penske File (2 - 0) preen up for Guys With Girl's Names (0 - 2). Cortisone Injection (2 - 0) comes up against Kang Kong (0 - 2) and Bubba's Brew Crew (1 - 1) encounter The Bi-Polar Bears (1 - 1).

Well that's about it for this week. Don't forget the "byes" begin this week. If you're frantically searching NFL Sunday Ticket on DirectTV (shameless plug alert) and can't find your favorite team, chances are they've got the week off. This week's early vacationers are The aforementioned Dallas Tunas (they're Dolphin safe - at least for now), The Philadelphia Cheese Steaks (and this might be their highest scoring week anyway!), The Carolina Hurricanes (good timing on this bye, eh?) and Da Bears(!) 'til next week…