December 21st, 2011

'Twas the night before Christmas, with everyone snoring
All asleep? Yeah, the Binder Boyz have made it real boring
For they clinched before Christmas at thirteen, one and one
Even The Grinch wishes this season was a little more fun

Now The Commish was all nestled and snug in his bed
When some ceiling plaster fell down on top of his head
For up on the roof he heard quite a panic
He thought he'd gotten those darn squirrels out of the attic!

Down the stairs and out the front door he flew
Angrier then even Ndamukong Suh
And what do I find right there before me?
Well a sight we haven't seen since 'round 1993

A shiny red sled, twas of German design
BMW in fact, and it looked mighty fine
Like Men At Work sang, this was no fried out combie
The sled it was led by undead Bud the dog zombie

It was piled with presents for the whole Rowdy crew
And the folks in the sled were people I knew
The lively, quick driver was Mrs. Claus; Pam herself
And there riding shotgun was Caryn The Elf

Yes, elves and Caryn are short but that's not what this is about
It's merely a Rowdy Friends friendly shout-out
To an old friend and co-owner of bee, emm, double-u
So I hope that the coincidence does not trouble you?

But I do have a question I've just got to ask dear
With what B.M.W. stood for, how are Ken and I still here?
It's all bridges and water, let's not cause more rifts
For it's the holiday season, let's pass out the gifts!

We start of the bottom and my, my let's see
What we've got in the bag for Brian Double-B
Well it's Clear to see now, how your team is fated
So here's a key to a condo in a community that's (Rele)gated

Best One owner Russ, had a hard team to manage
Had the first pick but could not take advantage
To help with your troubles, a gift from the rest of us
Forget Seinfeld, a new holiday, named just for you: Bestivus

Who's next on the list, asked Pam as Saint Nick?
Why Icky Ed, who named his team after Kendricks, Nicks, and Vick.
Not the guy from the Bengals who used to do the Shuffle?
From the novelty candy store here's a cool, chocolate Trick Truffle

For Jim and Mike Flinn, Footsie with Rex(y)
The signal caller position has not been too sexy
A gift of healing to help with all your injuries
Dixon, Bartel and Pryor, all fresh third string Q-B's

Now Donnie Football and Let's Get Ready To Fumble
Fumble? I'm mad and ready to rumble he'd mumble
With the schedule maker, that is, whoever
Take this crown as we king you; Best. 10th place team. Ever.

There's lots of talking, a whole lot of noise
For the next team on the list is Pam And Da Boyz
Will Pam give the present to Ken or herself
If it's jewelry, steal it, give it to the elf!

I think it's all fine, it's Pam that we trust
But this could be funnier than two nuns on a bus
Coming up for his gift is a very fine bloke
Can I get a high five Ken for my BMW joke?

For this special gift, we've definitely got a taker
A wish for the Schedule Guy to meets his Maker
For zombie dog Bud here's a skeleton doggie bone
And for Pam, a team logo-ed, brand new iPhone

It's the Sparacino guy of team Manning's Crossing
Some Fab-ulous gifts, his way we'll be tossing
Some more shipping labels for his equine heads of course
Plus an advanced Blu Ray copy of Spielberg's "War Horse"

Next up Neil and Marc, always innocent I fear
How bout a gift that sets your team up for next year
A book signed by Marv Levy, no you've already got that
So here's a Penn State pennant, sweatshirt and a hat

B-Leg and T-Glass, the Hightowered O
Atop the crowded D2 with no place to go
The present for them not a hard decision
A shrink wrapped invitation to the First Division

Next Charlie & Joe, team Repeat, then three No's
Just like that old Bo, Mrs. Claus Pam still knows,
That Joe still hates the Dutch but you're not a bad feller
So here's a year spent confined in the league Wine(house) cellar

Right now, at this time there's something I must address
I confess a change in the poem right before it went to press
I first had Kevin as Santa, both excitied and fine
But I was afraid that by Christmas he'd be indicted with Corzine

So for Kev and Commish what have we in the sack?
Hey this sack is all Schweddy, might have to bring it back
Someone to oversee their team better, why it's Helen Keller
For even she can see, Kevin, that we should have drafted Welker

Jacquizz Rob gets a tissue to clean up his Pants
OK, now come get your presents, but show me your hands
Since in this poem we're revisiting old storylines
Here's a friendly reunion with Homeless Grape Tree Guy

When the season started you could not lift your arm
But you kept climbing up and we were all in alarm
Now in second place, quite the bonanza
So for Bruce and for Alex, they get one more stanza

Move over Pam, I will be the gift bestower
For the father and son team known as Head and Broken Shoulder
Here's an invoice to you two for my drafting you Brees
And if you don't finish second you can Blame It On me

Now we come to the team, the last but not least
For this entire season they've been quite The Beast
They just kept on winning, we didn't need a reminder
That this season we all finally learned to respect The Binder

They're the best! Got to have 'em! What was their trick?
I think it was mostly to do with not Bobby, but Nick
An outpouring of kudos, the e-mails did flow
For the champs are more loved than even Tebow

So on to the gifts, the suspense is killing me
If Bruce can get two stanzas, then the champs should get at least three
Reach way down for the present, what's left in the sack?
It's a backpack packed with binders for The Pack Is Back

Wait that's not all, looks like we've got some more here
A clean, puffy couch cushion to give back to Sarah Legere
Now this is really the last one, we have not a doubt
A life-size Aaron Rodgers, stand up cardboard cut-out

The gift giving's now over, we stand in applause
For the efforts of Elf Caryn and Pam Mrs. Claus
And of course for the Commish, typing all of this text
Let's consult the new iPhone and ask Siri, what's next?

We're done here, nothing left to do, finished, zero, zed
And Pam hooked Bud The Undead Canine up to the sled
Then fired up the BMW and the reindeer looked dazed
Those aren't deer they're injured Flinn QB's and she called out their names

On Leinart, Kolb, Hanie, On Grossman; don't wander
On Cutler, On Orton, On Whitehurst, On Ponder
As the sled drove away, I heard her, with both of my ears
Say Merry Christmas to all, see you in another fourteen years!