Sorry this column's a day late but I just finished reading all 183 of the e-mails that were flying back and forth this past week! Nice to see the sleeping giant that is the trash talking in this league has finally awakened! For those of you who might have missed it (or at least a part of it as your in-boxes rapidly filled up to capacity and refused to allow anymore messages to come through), here's what I have learned this week…

· Kevin Kelly, after his Cortisone Injection defeated Kang Kong by a score of 22 - 8 would like to contract Dave Kang's team. I had idea Kevin had all this hostility towards The Korean Gorilla…

· Joe Mastrangelo (whose Medulla Oblongata team defeated No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls 28 - 15) then compared Kevin Kelly's team to the Gallileo Probe

· Now while I encourage all astronomical references, let me just say that referring to Mr. Kelly and using the word "probe" in the same message may not be in the best interest on your in-box!

· The Caruso Brothers (whose Penske File dropped a 38 - 31 decision to Guys With Girls Names) are now off their "we want a playoff" horse, but have now apparently switched mounts to a "we want a reserve list" horse in the same week they lose Marshall Faulk to injury. Hmmm, nice timing there, don't you think?

· The Commish (a 32 - 31 winner over Sleeping With The Fish on a late Zack Crockett score and two Jerry Rice dropped TD's) stated that a reserve list has been voted down each of the past two seasons. Not to be deterred Guy & Joe called for an immediate vote, to which several owners responded "yea" and others "nay", with Rob Hanratty formulating quite the "well thought and elicit response" for the "No reserve list" side and Ken Bamrick backed him up. Rob and Ken on the same side of an issue? Strange bedfellows indeed!

· Mike Flinn chimed in stating he's had enough of the Caruso Brothers shenanigans and suggested we contract them along with Kang's team, keeping things contracted evenly at 2 teams.

· Some basic math lessons then followed as Joe thought that since he and his brother were 2 people, but only one team, how would that be "even"? Oops, we forgot about Kevin's original diatribe on Kang's squad that started this whole brouhaha, didn't we Joe?

· Or should I say "the Galloping Gourmet", as a new nickname was bestowed upon Joe C? Many owners answered back, referring to Joe by his new nickname. Now all I can say is be nice here because if and when Joe opens his restaurant, I want to have a draft there and eat for free!

· Dave Kang has stated that any attempt to contract his team will be considered a hostile act and he'll be forced to react accordingly. I had no idea that Kang was harboring this kind of hostility towards The Manalapan Mauler…

· Reggie Wayne scored two TD's a week after Kevin Kelly dropped him, duplicating TJ Duckett's feat from the previous week, now making Kevin a mortal lock for this season's "oops I dropped the guy too early" Edgar Bennett Award. Dave Kang laughs maliciously…

· Along those same lines, I reminded the Carusos about the perils of dropping Faulk mid-season and having him come back to haunt you later by citing the example of when KGB dropped him and I picked him up, holding him for three weeks, when he returned and scored 4TD's against KGB! Ken then told me to do things to myself that I must state, are physically impossible unless I was a highly trained contortionist!

· Some veiled reference was made to Joe Caruso dating 20 year olds, followed by some reminiscence of when Rob Hanratty dubbed Joe Mastrangelo's team "Joe Likes Little Boys". Someone, Charlie I believe (and when did he get back from vacation?), then tried to tie the two together. I got real confused! Not that there's anything wrong with that…

· Ken Bamrick is clinging to his "I like my team mantra" despite opening up at 0 - 3, just like his beloved Jets. He also claims "first dibs" on Brooks Bollinger (or whatever the hell his name is) when the Jets name him their new "starting" QB next week. Hell, I say just chop off Pennington's hand and let him throw with the stub! I'm sure that's all he'll need to complete offensive coordinator Paul Hackett's cheap little passes…

· Kevin Kelly then gave us all a lesson in speaking Italian as he says Vinny Testaverde translates en italiano to "green head", and isn't that fitting for a guy who plays for the Jets?

· Guy Caruso asked nicely if he could reserve Faulk and pick up Maurice Clarett.

· Guy also disputed a call in the Jets game that spotted the ball on the 29 yard line right before a Wayne Chrebet TD catch, that he says should've been spotted on the 30, thus giving his team an additional 3 points. Can we vote on a "ball spot" rule? I say we scrap the "ball spot" and vote on a "bald spot" rule instead, which would give The Commish an additional 3 points every week he wears a Saints hat to cover up his hairless pate…

· Brian Legere had a rough Monday night. First he had to read all the e-mails when he got home from work, then he had to tell Sarah that since she signed back on as a co-owner, the team is 0 - 1, then he had to sit by and watch his Raiders get pummeled by Jake Plummer and the hated Broncos, despite having kicker Sebastian Janikowsi out on bail from an arrest the night before. Silver and black. Black and white stripes? What's the difference? Mr. Janikowski, could you please turn sideways and hold the card with the numbers up in front of you…

· KGB coach Young Kenny Bamrick (The Search For Spock) was given a vote of confidence by Papa Ken, then fired two e-mails later! Ken states that the "have a baby win the league" theory is worthless… No comment from Pam on whether she'd like to try for a KGB 4 to put the theory to another test!

· …however, everyone look out for Neil's Bubba's Brew Crew as Neil and his wife Pat welcome their first child, baby girl Krista, into the world! And what do you know? He won his next game (48 - 29 over the Bi-Polar Bears) and took high points to boot! However, it was later revealed that Neil actually wanted a boy and offered Krista in a trade to Mike Flinn for his son K.C. Mike backed out of the deal when he found out he'd have to take a banged up Mike Sweeney as part of the deal. Seriously though, congratulations to Neil and Pat from all of us!

· A 40 - 29 thrashing of KGB III by Late For Luau moves Tiny Bubbles Morris and Don Ho Jolley into first place this week and they have already matched their entire win total from last season (3), despite not having played Brian Legere yet, the only team they beat (all 3 times they played) last season. However, I think they have no team this week when they play The Commish as the Seahawks are on a bye and everyone on their team plays for Seattle don't they? Hey wouldn't it have been funny if both the Saints and the Seahawks had byes this week?

· Brian Boghosian's no longer "rolling along" and he falls out of first for the first time since last season. Losing to Glory Days by a score of 43 - 11. I here that next week's "Playmakers" on ESPN will address this very topic as Brian drops Kevin Faulk and picks up Leon Taylor. Leon then fumbles four times and blames the loss on the Keep It Rolling Along QB's David Carr and Tommy Maddox. Remember there's no "I" in team, but there's no "we" either…

· Glory Days is undefeated since Young Saint Nick (Malure: The Next Generation) took the captain's chair. Rumor has it Uncle Joe Hrabovsky has been appearing at key team strategy sessions as well and that Bobby's given up O'Douls and switched to Coors Cutter while his brother Mike has been seen in his backyard starting "binder bonfires", "It's the hottest! I've got to have it!"

· A Point Pleasant Beach police report stated that early Tuesday morning, after the Raiders/Broncos Monday night game mercifully ended, a drunk polar bear was seen coming out of Jim Murray's house and stumbling down the length of River Avenue…

· Warren Sapp is now eligible at the WR/TE position! And if he runs back a fumble on "D" you get points too! Whoever has the Bucs "D" should jump on this opportunity if they have a weak 4th receiver…

· Jon Bon Jovi is now the proud owner of an Arena Football League franchise in Philadelphia. No truth to the rumor that he's going to call the team the Philadelphia Samboras…

· Since opening 0 and 3, Fabrizio has requested that all league owners please send him their shoe sizes and whether or not they are allergic to cement…

· Mr. Underhill's Credit Card co-owner Mark Machiedo and his wife Sarah Jessica Parker were spotted in midtown New York City this past week, hooking up with The Commish for dinner. For those of you who haven't seen Mark yet, let me give you a hint. "Bueller? Bueller? Anyone…"

· We had a multi thread, multi topic, quite voluminous e-mail "discussion" amongst league owners and not once did Charlie and Joe diss each other's manhood or coaching acumen? What's going on here? Are these two franchise partners getting along now? Oh well, perhaps that'll be next week's mass e-mail topic of discussion…

Did I get everybody in there and work in all the game scores? I sure hope so! Anyway, gotta run, big hockey draft coming up this weekend and I've got to figure out if there are any good players left on the New York Rangers. The again, were there any last season? Anyway, this is a football column and I digress… Once again, congratulations to Neil and Pat, let's see more pictures of Baby Krista! And yes Neil, you can rename the team to Krista's Formula Crew if you'd like… 'til next week…