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In the grand tradition of USA Today, let's do some team-by-team notes as we enter Week 4 of the All My Rowdy Friends Fantasy Football League season…
Best One
Russ "Tom" Jones gets the first win of his career this week. Along with that first win, Russ also got the "best one" free agent available, Oakland Raider QB Kerry Collins, by virtue of his last place standing after Week 2. No more tie breakers needed here, you might recall that Mr. Jones lost the DeShaun Foster Sweepstakes last week on the 4th tiebreaker, but had it been necessary The Commish did add a few additional tie-breakers to the league rules. Should a tie for position still exist after the 4th tiebreaker is applied, the following new rules will take affect, in this order. The next tiebreaker will be strength of schedule (but of your bowling team, not your football team). After that we go to your team's ranking in The National Enquirer computer poll. And finally, should all still be tied, we play successive rounds of Three-Card Monty on the bar at Fair Lawn Lanes until someone runs out of money. That person gets the first pick…
Dead Fish
If Bruce thought things were bad in Miami as his Dolphins continue to get rocked like a hurricane, he'd better not pick up the phone anytime soon to talk to his co-owner, Brian. Brian's relocated to Virginia and finally left his job in New York City for good this past week, but not before uttering this very Dr. Seussian parting shot across his partners bow. "That Lerman guy better be squirmin'! Because if he ain't learning, we ain't earnin'! Instead of AJ Feeley, I'd rather have Itula Mili. Don't'cha agree wit me? So come on Brucie, let's pick up some frees (but not Drew Brees please) cause after eight weeks I want to be five and three" Gee, the guy moves down South and turns into Nelly! Who would've thunk it?…
Franks and Beans
With a new house on the way for Charlie (and Mike have we found a picture showing the front door yet?) and a new baby on the way for Speedo Joe, these two tumultuous owners haven't found time to bicker yet this season. Of course, opening the season at 2 - 1 has to help as well. Joe's also been busy riding out back-to-back-to-back-to-back hurricanes down there in J'Ville and I actually think he's getting a little shell-shocked. You see, I heard a story about how his son Eric shot him with a water pistol and as punishment Joe sent Eric to his room and boarded him in with plywood! Better lay off the caffeine there Cup of Joe… In other non-football related news Charlie Baker's now walking a bit taller after defeating your commissioner in two brackets at bowling on Tuesday night. Better not get too cocky there Chucky, I'll have to send Brian Boghosian after you…
Genco Olive Oil Company
Brian Boghosian's team is currently at 1 - 2 and sinking to the bottom of the Non Jersey division (all his other divisional foes are 2 - 1). So what's the head of the Genco Olive Oil Company to do to motivate his players? Well for starters, he's had head coach Luke A. Brasi's clipboard wrapped in a fish. He threatened to bring offensive coordinator Moe Greene "brought down" from the booth upstairs and "into the field". Actually,shouldn't that have been "onto" the field? Well, either way, changes are definitely in order. He's named Fredo the new special teams coach and I hear he's even thinking about calling upon a few old friends to "do a service" for him. And I always thought that day would never come? Oh yes, I can hear the violins a playin' right now…
Got MiLK?
For the first time since a guy named Lin Elliot was kicking for the Cowboys, The Commish finds himself alone in first place in the Rowdy Friends league! Well not exactly alone mind you, he's got his co-owners. Kevin Kelly has the White Mustache Offense working on all cylinders and Mark Caramel Macchiato has the "It Does A Body Good" Defense allowing the least points against in the league thus far. But we've spoken about this before, but I think it's really the extra-special assistant coaches on this team who make the difference. Last week we spoke about strength and conditioning coach Mr. Miyagi ("wax on, wax off"), but this week all the credit goes to special teams coach The Nestle Quick Rabbit.
Growing Up Goal Line
Fab quickly got his revenge for his narrow loss in Week One to Genco Olive Oil Company as he defeated Brian B's team this past week. With the win Growing Up Goal Line moves to 2 - 1 and takes over the lead in the Non Jersey division and also now sits atop the overall points standings as well. Unfortunately for Fab, he no longer plays his new nemesis, unless of course these two teams meet for the Non Jersey title in Week 16's position round. Gee, I'm not sure what's gonna be a longer wait, the next time these two teams play, the next original episode of HBO's The Sopranos, or the line for cannollis at the next San Gennaro Festival in Little Italy. Fuhgeddaboudit!…
He-Man Cowboy Haters Club
Despite a slow 1 - 2 start, rookie owner Don "Baby You Can Drive My" Cardoza finds himself in a 4-way tie with the other rookie owners in this season's Rookie of the Year race. However, should Don break from the pack later on this season, controversy is sure to follow. For you see, rumors have surfaced that Don once played in a Japanese fantasy football league involving World League players and thus shouldn't be considered a true rookie making him ineligible for the Rowdy Rookie of the Year award. I don't necessarily agree with that argument. The Commish's Office has gotten hold of the Draft Recap from that league and the evidence shows that Don passed over then Amsterdam Admirals QB Kurt Warner, not once but twice in the middle rounds of the draft. Warner was then snapped up by Bruce "The Dragon" Morimoto just one pick ahead of Don's squad, which by the way was then called The He-Man Rhein Fire Haters Club. Sounds like a rookie mistake to me…
KGB III
It's looking like KGB and oh and three right now as things are definitely not off to a good start in The Kremlin. Despite having first dibs on all free agents this past week, Ken has done nothing to improve this team. Which leads me to ask the question, where is Pam? We haven't heard a peep from our lone remaining female owner in quite some time. I hope nothing's wrong? Just in case though, I've petitioned UN Secretary General Kofi Annan to allow me to occupy the Bamrick household with a UN peacekeeping force if need be as I search for the Weapons of Pam's Destruction (or just WPD's if you prefer the short form). Of course we all that, should it come to that, it would be a futile search because at 0 - 3, there are most definitely no offensive weapons at KGB III headquarters. Now about that foxhole over by the shed that I saw in the backyard when we last drafted at your house Ken…
No Souper Bowl For You
With a 1 - 2 start, the long awaited chaos has begun at Chez Caruso. Word out of Souper Bowl camp has Guy fining his brother Joe for showing up five minutes too early at his house on Sunday to watch the NFL games together. Joe then stormed off and later joined the set of FOX's pre-game show where he told Terry Bradshaw that "I'd rather be found dead in the dumpster at the back of my restaurant, with wilted lettuce and stale dinner rolls all around me, then play for my brother!" Well Guy, hope you've got plenty to eat because it's definitely "No Soup For You" at Brother Joe's eatery for some time…
Sucks 2 B Me
With no co-owners left to fire, Neil vented the frustration of his 1st loss this season by cutting 5 out of the 12 active players on his roster. When asked about the possibly premature purge of what thus far has been a successful team Neil was quoted as saying, "Yes sir, that's five guys cut, one for each co-owner I've axed in my career. Mom, Marc, brother Jeff, Tucker and the last one's for the next guy who thinks he's good enough to hang with me!"… By the way, has anyone else noticed that Neil seems to be collecting guys named Bennett? This past week he's picked up Michael from Minnesota and Drew from Tennessee. But he's not done yet! No sir, no how. Next week I here he has his sights set on a few more Bennetts, Edgar from Green Bay, Tony from Las Vegas and of course he's changing his team colors to the United Colors of Benetton…
The No Shows
Just last week we were writing about Ian possibly firing his co-owner. But now, in a strange reversal of fortune for Mr. Jolley, Ian has pulled an anti-Trump and actually HIRED Chris! Yes folks, we no longer have any Microsoft employees in our league (hope you got all the software you needed!), as Chris leave the Big M to once again work for Ian at his firm, Housevalues.com (Ian, no charge for the plug!)… By the way, some league trivia for the rookie owners who don't know this, Chris was the backup kicker to Jeff Jaeger at the University of Washington back in his college days! Sure, I know, that and about $4 and change will get him a Caramel Machiedo at Starbucks…
Titties and Beer
Watch out league, Rob's on a rampage this week, seemingly focusing his blames on all things Tampa Bay Buccaneers! First the injured Charlie Garner went down (and can you say "Hello Errict Rhett!"?), then the axe fell on T&B QB Chris Simms as he was cut loose in favor of Mark Brunell. But that wasn't enough. No! Rob then cut Leroy Selmon and his brother Dewey. Next to go was coach Ray Perkins, followed closely by QB Doug Williams and RB James Wilder! Rob also decreed that while one of the T&B team colors is in fact orange, the next guy caught dressing up as a pirate and wearing a large feather in his hat is going to be fined immense sums of money and sent off to the next taping of "Queer Eye For The Rowdy Guy"! In other league related news, Rob has also suggested that we fine ex-owner Dave Kang $6.80 for dropping out of our league this season just before Draft Day…
Two and a Half Men
Since taking over the franchise last season, Nick Malure's career record is 15 - 6, a .600 winning percentage and good enough for 2nd place on the all-time list of active Rowdy Friends behind Joe and Chuck's .618. Could this be the season that someone finally overtakes Chuck and Joe in all-time winning percentage? Sure, I know, they've played how many more games, yada, yada, yada. But did you have to sit through a draft in any of those seasons listening to nothing but "Howard Cross, he's the best" and "Mark Bavaro, we've gotta have him" in your ear all day as you try to figure out who the best available pass catching tight end who's NOT retired is? Didn't think so… That .600 start by Nick is almost a 150% increase over Bobby and Mike's .414 lifetime percentage on a record of 98-140-5 and you'll see why the Binder Boyz are most definitely back in town. Heck, when Mike or Bobby come over my house now, the fish stop swimming! And no sorry boys, you can't have Mike Cloud back, just a week ahead of yourselves there…
Wardrobe Malfunction
It's been a long week at The Boudoir (that's slang for the Wardrobe offices by the way) as Flinn-Jim-Jim got the Rin-Tin-Tin kicked out of them, losing to John Carney this past week by a score of 22 - 20! I'm sure newborn baby Kathyrn's been a handful and the football game was the last thing on Mike's mind this week as Team Flinn is also currently fighting for a third place finish in the Full Monty Fantasy Baseball League. As a matter of fact, things got real confusing this past week as for a moment there, juggling the new baby and baseball, Mike actually thought he was Pedro Martinez' daddy and not just Kathyrn's! Jimmy Murray, I think you live next door to Mike, no? So if I could ask you to do us a favor in the league's best interest and check up on him once in awhile? Just make sure he's not changing the dog's diaper, feeding Alpo to the baby, or trying to pick up Emmit Smith as a replacement thrid basemen or anything…
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