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December 23rd, 2009
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Rowdy
Tensions were high and The Commish was all pouty
For he was trying to hold the league's Christmas party
But lots of folks couldn't make it and others were tardy
They had birthdays and commitments to kids soccer games
And other excuses that were equally lame
He was not feeling merry, why wasn't everyone here
Guess we'll just give out the gifts in the chat room this year
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
He sprang from his desk to see what was the matter
The lawn was quite misty, he couldn't see great
Hey at least someone's here, all be it quite late
From out of the gloamin' Santa Don did appear
With his big red sleigh and eight three-legged reindeer
That's twenty-four good legs if you're scoring at home
But with only three legs how do these reindeer roam?
Well there are eight other legs worked by remote
You just pump up the volume and these reindeer they float
Sorry I'm late, had to navigate around all these trees
Not to mention the three stops for fresh batteries
Then Santa Don (not Don Santa, for that would be Fab)
Said "where is everyone?" as he grabbed for his bag
Kevin and Joe are inside but for some unknown reason
The rest of the owners are staying home this holiday season
"Why is that do you think?", Santa Don inquired
Heck if I was The Commish I'd have everyone fired!
For insubordination and for just being rude
Is it the weather, the economy, or maybe the food?
Well everyone missing has got a good alibi
I won't get everyone here no matter how hard I try
So let's get in the house, get everyone on-line
Then we'll disburse the presents, have a Rowdy good time!
One by one they came, to COMMISH.COM
There was small talk, taunts and banter, even emoticons
When all owners were present, The Commish and Don conversed
We'll give these gifts out, in current standings order, reversed
First Merry Christmas to Da Boyz and Pam we can't mock her
But here's a Saturday with no junior league soccer
Two QBs who combined are older than Ken
And the first Rowdy draft pick in two-thousand-and-ten
Russ you were the Best One way back in 2K6
But's it's been too long since then, your team needs a fix
So a new name's in order, don't think I'm a joker
In 2K10 you'll be known as Team Mediocre
My Zorn Children, what went wrong? The team's in a fog man
That's what you get when you cross a scarecrow with a Hogs fan
A new coach for the Skins, Hail to Glass Tommy
For Brian? Well at least he's got fantasy hockey
Is his name Feb or Fab? It's the horse head we all fear
Once Upon A Time this guy actually had a good year
Miss the draft on your birthday? A minor infraction
Take this good book by Webster to spell check your transactions
Now Rob's next so come sit on Santa's virtual lap
No scratch that, I don't want a virus (or the clap)
Sanchez likes the heifers and all things bovine
Here's a mustache comb please clean that Dirty thing up fine
Binder Boyz front and center, Nick and the brothers
They can't cover a spread but they don't fear The Cover
From Binder to Laptop you've got a new look
So here's a smaller but yet more efficient netbook
Win One For The Flipper? Sure but you must score sixty
Bruce and Alex don't think the schedule maker's been nifty
Can't catch a break this season no matter how hard they try
But you'll look suave in this pair of father and son ties
For Brian with a B, this gift can't fail
We got a great Steel at a big Clear-ance sale
It's a vial of powder that you rub on your rump
To get you over the most-high-points-but-still-.500 hump
Seen the scoreboard lately? Marc's team is McDead
Don't blame that Steve guy, blame the owner instead
Here's a pair of binoculars with a telescopic lens
To help you focus on your roster past week number ten
Neil's season's been OK, can't say it's been great
But he's rallied to the top of the Garden State
Should we give him the gift of a division title?
I fear Marc's already done that by remaining idle
Now we get close to the end and it's worth a mention
That these four teams are the ones that are still in contention
Just a half game between them, Wayne and Garth say "Game On!"
For the glove, stickers, dice and McSeamus the Leprechaun
Charlie says Beat It, we've been trying for weeks
They're the only team that doesn't have losing streaks
This year for your present, here's that Second Glove
Can Joe put it to use with some Brotherly Love?
Who's next, oh nice, it's our own Santa Don
Don't get up yet, let's first turn your remote control on
My gift's All old school and retro, wrapped up in Stickers
The Guy with the strong leg known as Super Jock kicker
Our penultimate present goes to the Flinns
Better get this right or have to Again Begin
It's a present for which others are sure to scold
If I don't win I hope you get the Rowdy Pot O' Gold
Now we come to our leaders, the guys with the dice
One who's been naughty and one who's been nice
One plays the good and the other the bad cop
But there's no denying right now that they're sitting on top
Yes we know you're in first, but this is no XFL
Anyone got something to get down this Kevin head swell?
I know what will work, old fashioned sloe gin fizz
Plus it will help him swallow that take-it-like-a-man jizz
But Mr. Kelly there's something that I need to know
There's still two weeks left what's with all the bravado?
Please look up "restraint" and the meaning of karma
And try to not drive the bus right over your partner
Now the tough love is done, without resentment
Along with this stern talk comes an actual present
I give you this gift, lest animosity linger
Of a giant blue Giants foam middle finger
So accept my apology for his behavior so crass
But I'll gladly share the trophy and the Rowdy Friends cash
There's just one present left, well what is this?
For The Commish, a remote controlled brand new right wrist!
Well the party was over and folks had logged off
Santa Don got back up and said with a cough
It's been fun being Santa and started up the sleigh
While he round up the reindeer, called them by name
On Carney, On Nugent, Vinatieri and Suisham
On Nick Folk, On Hauschka, Andrus and Elam
"Hey I just figured it out!", I said with a grin
They're all cut or injured kickers, that explains the bad limb
Then Santa Don departed with his Robo-Legged crew
It's been so much fun sharing this poem with you
But it's the end of the column so now get out of here
And hey all is forgiven if you show up next year!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE COMMISH!
December 9th, 2009
Well The Cover continues to do it's evil bidding. Having worked real well last week on Joe & Charlie I say let's try it again this week, shall we? Yes, all his guys have stickers, now all Don has to do is hope that all of his guys don't have a prediliction to under performing when faced with the dreaded SI cover jinx! You know, if I keep this up I find myself facing the moral dilemma of having to jinx myself sometime near Week 15! Guess that's where that "integrity" thing comes in, eh?
December 3rd, 2009
Simple choice for this week's cover. The defending champs move back into first place, some might even say "they're on fire". Well we can't let them win this thing twice in a row can we? After all, no one's ever won back-to-back championships in the history of the league. Famous last words? Well let's find out if Joe & Charlie can "Beat It". The cover jinx that is. Oh, and they can use as many gloves as they need too, they're not just limited to that one. Good luck fellas!
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