December 22nd, 2010

'Twas the night before Christmas, and what do you know?
The whole league's still chasing Charlie and Joe
The standings were nestled, the teams snug and tight
But forget that for now as its pre-Christmas night

Now three-year-old Ryan, that future Commish chap
Had just settled in for his late afternoon nap
When out on the lawn there arose such a din
I thought Dodge was done being chewed out by Coughlin?

I tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
And out the house I flew in a Desean Jackson like dash
For right there on my lawn as day turned to night
Was an unexpected but quite welcoming sight

There were eight reindeer with iPads tied to their antlers
And three guys in a sled, one dressed as Santa
This sled had a driver, quite lively and quick
But his skin was a bit pale, Mike Malure not Mike Vick

Out of the sled and into my front door
Walked Binder Elf Bobby and Saint Nick Migliore!
We just tried to land on the Metrodome roof
But we slipped! Then it tore! ‘Twas a sharp reindeer hoof

Got diverted to KC and then to Detroit
But we made it here finally so let’s rock this joint
There are presents a-plenty the Binder Santas proclaimed
In reverse order of “present” standings the giftees were named

How come every year when we do this, Best One is first?
How can you be the Best One if you’re always the worst?
A name change is in order until you remake your bones
You shall heretofore be known as Jamarcus Russell Jones

For Bruce and for Alex, you’ve had quite a go of it
Blame Dad’s sched left you yelling “D’Oh!” and “Oh s**t!”
A holiday gift during this season of Festivus
And an eight and seven record just like the rest of us

Hey this one’s for us, Nick said quite glad
Wait we’re the third team out of the bag, are really that bad?
We’re giving ourselves this gift for an obvious reason
A full replay of the first half of the season

Defending champ Don, whose reign will soon cease to be
Since you’ve owned them all so far, here’s more Detroit QB’s
Bobby Layne, Greg Landry, Danielson and Eric Hipple
Kramer, Ware, Batch, Peete, Harrington and Scottie Mitchell

And an extra paragraph for the team named Don’t Eat
Since he’s attended all the drafts, quite a nice feat
Some advice for that limb problem, I’m sure you’ll be heeding
Here’s Sal Alosi’s leg; which he’ll no longer be needing

Now for Corny Ed whose team name lost their guys
At wide receiver we have a disco surprise
Just give him two Lions, first names Calvin and Bryant
The Brothers Johnson are back, team name’s now compliant

For Pam and for Ken, our draft host and hostess
The gift that we hear that Ken’s been wanting the mostest
When picking this boon we didn’t have to think hard
A genuine, bonafide “Get Out Of Draft Free” card

That brings us to Neil and co-owner Marc Daddy
And hopes that Mateo’s being quite the good laddie
Neil claims USC’s Innocent, but we’re onto his games
Here’s some more guys named Jones and a couple named James

Rob’s next on the list, his Taint is quite Golden
This is quite a large gift for the man that I’m holding
A running back pick that survives through Week 2
And a Rusty (Smith) trombone, sure you’ll know what to do

Brian’s Clear Toss Power Trap, numbered 65
Keeping their Second Division title hopes alive
Here’s a couple more “B”s for your monogrammed sweaters
And for next year’s team name a whole fresh set of letters

Raiders fan Brian and Redskins fan Glass
The season’s been long, quite a Kick in the Grass
Here’s a full debit card for your record transaction fees
And a properly scored Arizona TD

Who’s next on this list? Baby, I’ve got that feeling
That it’s finally time for some for Rexual Healing
For Kevin, a QB with an arm like Cliff Lee
For The Commish a week “covering” for Drew Brees

Now this friggin’ team call Un-touch-down-ables
I’d argue with Fab but I ain’t got a quibble
He’s got lots of Blue Men on that team that’s defiant
But he still needs one more, so here’s Andre The Giant

Can they win back to back titles in BB and football?
They’ve got two games left and have to win them all
So here’s a bag-load of points in case you gets those wins
But we’re Totally Unprepared for “Twice Champion Flinns”

The bag’s almost empty, the presents near gone
Last up the fellas who rival the girls from UConn
They’ve pretty much clinched so bring on the gloats
While DJ Elf spins some retro Hall & Oates

For Charlie and Joe, known as My Bironas
That second paragraph for the leading team; bonus
A copy of Photoshop, and a laptop to load it in
So you can make more “Reverse The Jinx” covers of Madden

Wait now what’s this? An unheard of third stanza
Well one for each holiday (we’re including Kwanzaa)
The Ghost of Bo Knows, from Night Before Christmases Past
Knows the Ghost of the Future sees you soon finishing last!

When the presents were finished Nick’s Droid phone went off
Excuse me a second, he said with a cough
It’s a text from Brett Favre, now what have we here?
That looks like a chimney? Whoa, I ain’t climbing down there!

Well that’s all we’ve got, it’s about time to go
And they cleaned up as fast as the Pats in the snow
They rebooted the iPads as the deer milled about
Those aren’t reindeer, they’re coaches, and they called their names out

On Garret, On Tomlin, On Harbaugh and Haley
On Carroll, On Cable, Del Rio and Gailey

Merry Christmas to all, so long you cup cakers
Yes we know we’d be better if we’d let Uncle Mike draft Akers!
And I heard them exclaim as they whipped the reindeer
Joe Guarantees at least a third place finish next year!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE COMMISH AND THE BINDER BOYZ!

December 16th, 2010

If you really want something bad enough you've got to not be afraid to stick your leg out! Lining up yet another Sports Illustrated cover in hopes of tripping up our league's gunner. If this doesn't work I'm firing Kevin because, well you can tell just by looking at him that "strength and conditioning" just isn't his thing...

EDITED LATER THAT DAY TO ADD: Well it's about time someone's tried meeting the Cover Curse head-on! Kudos to Joe & Charlie for not only their graphical creativity, but for attempting to "see my SI Curse and raise you a proven Curse of a different kind". Figured we couldn't miss the opportunity to post this one up here for poserity's sake! Hey, if I don't say so myself I actually look pretty good in a Saints uniform, don't I?

December 10th, 2010

Sorry for the extended absence in this space. To get back in everyone's good graces I've revived an old league holiday tradition that hasn't been seen in these parts since 2002. Everyone enjoy the return of The Grinch Who Stole Fantasy Football!

Every Who
Down In Who-ville
Liked football a lot…

But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!

He hated day games, Monday Night games, games on the NFL Network.
He hated Gruden, Jaworski, and of course Albert Haynesworth!
He hated Belichick and Brady, even Randy Moss,
The Grinch hated Al Davis, that grinchy Raider Boss!
He hated backup QB's like Tebow and Kitna
But he admits that he has a small fondness for Ditka.

But,
Whatever his reason,
For hating football,
He looked like Kevin Kelly, but not quite so small.
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
Looking much like a coach forced to punt on fourth down.
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was fixing the roster of their fantasy team.

"They're picking up new playeers!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Sunday! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously flinching,
"I MUST find a way to keep My Bironas from clinching"
For, tomorrow, he knew…

…All the Who girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd root for their boys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Whos, young and old, would start a tailgating feast
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would cook up hot wings from the rare Who-roast beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Sunday games nearing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start cheering!

They'd cheer! And they'd cheer!
And they'd CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Who-Football-Cheer
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole year!"
"Why for nineteen Rowdy seasons I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop football from coming!
… But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed and he sneered.
And he made a quick COMMISH.COM hat and a beard.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!"
"With this goatee and this hat, I'll look just like The Commish!"

"All I need is a web site…"
The Grinch looked around.
But the pickings were scarce with the economy down.
Did that stop the old Grinch…?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a web site, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a Dell laptop on top of his head.

Then
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down quick
Toward the homes where the Whos
All revered Michael Vick

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the night.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams of Roddy White
When he came to the first house on the right.
"This is stop number one," The Grinchy Commish hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if The Commish could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who rosters all hung in a row.
"These stats downloads," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, like a belt on a conveyor,
Around the whole room, and he took every player!
Matt Cassel, Josh Freeman and Michael Sims-Walker
He got Breaston, Shiancoe and Ben Roethlisberger
McFadden, Rice, Welker, well he got them all!
Even Rashard from Pittsburgh, last name Mendenhall.

Both receivers Mike Williams, Manningham, Mario,
Olindo Mare, Maurice Jones-Drew, Flacco and Gano,
Fitzpatrick, Sam Bradford, other really fine fellas
including Pats running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis!

He started up the chimney but then got a shock.
"An IDEA!" grinned the Grinch, "I'll steal Nick's alarm clock!"

As the Grinch grabbed the clock, he dropped to one knee
For he heard a small sound, the sound sounded like Bobby.
He turned around fast, and he saw a big Who!
A big Binder-Boy-Who, oh what was The Grinch to do?

The Grinch had been caught by this Binder-Boy-Who
Who'd got out of bed for a night snack or two.
He stared at the Grinch and said, "Commish, why,"
"Why are you taking all of our players? Why?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick.
He said, "Why your team is quite broken! And I've got to fix it!"
"Why, you Binder-Boy-Who", the fake Commish cried,
"For the love of the iPad your team's four and nine!"
"So I'm taking them home," said the Grinch with a leer.
"I'll fix them right up. Then I'll bring them back here."

And his fib fooled the Who, and he patted his head
Said "You know you should've let Mike draft Akers instead!"
And when the Binder-Boy-Who went to bed with his cupcake
He thought, "Boy that guy's season just started too late!"

Then the last player he took
Was Saints QB Drew Brees.
Before he went up the chimney, as quiet as a flea…
On their walls he signed his name with Ocho Cinco's sharpie.

And the one measley player
That he left in the joint
Was a player that was even too bad for Detroit.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Who's dens

Leaving players
Much too bad
To play for the Lions!

It was quarter past dawn…
The Who's unaware of their troubles
And the Flinn-Brother-Who's
Asleep in their plastic bubbles.
The Grinch packed up the sled full of all the Whos' players.
Oops! He dropped Favre on his shoulder! He'll come back for him later!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was Grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no football is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"They'll put on the Red Zone Channel in a minute or two"
"They'll see no quick highlights and will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
And it sounded a lot like the FOX pre-game show…

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
Must be James Brown and Terry!

He stared down at Who-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Without any players at all!
He hadn't stopped football from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow without players, they were playing the games!

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without coaches; Ryans, Rob and Rex!"
"It came without Kolb and despite all of Favre's texts!"
And he puzzled three hours, 'til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe football," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe fantasy football means a little bit more!"

And what happened then…?
Well… in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew bigger than Jamarcus's waistline that day.
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his sled through the bright morning light
And he brought back the players and Charlie's league title dreams
And he…

…HE HIMSELF…!
The Grinch got his own Rowdy Friends team!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE COMMISH!