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Congratulations to the Binder Boyz, for taking my best shot and becoming the first team to beat the dreaded "SI Cover Jinx"! Two and a Half Men rode an eruption of Dante's inferno to a 36 - 31 victory over the Genco Olive Oil Company, improving their record to a franchise best 4 - 1 start and maintaining their hold on first place overall in the Rowdy. The victory this week is the 100th overall career win for Mike and Bobby (14 and counting for young Nick), making them the 7th and 8th members of the Rowdy Century Club, owners with 100 or more career victories. Nice job boys, I'll have your gold plated commemorative ball point pens ready next week… With the loss dropping Genco down below .500 and into a double-digit placing in the league standings, Brian Boghosian, despite not having any children (well at least none that he knows about or is making payments for), has declared next Sunday "the day of his daughter's wedding". A day of joy and celebration in which he will be dishing out "justice" (Dave, Lone, Hall Of, etc) to whomever his opponent is, provided they perform a certain favor for him on "this, the day of his daughter's wedding" (i.e. let him win). OK, let's check the schedule to see who the lucky winner (or loser) will be… Chris Jolley, come on down!!! Speaking of The Don's Justice, how about those He-Man Cowboy Haters? Getting just his 3rd career win, a mere 97 short of the Rowdy Century Club is Don "Corleone" Cardoza, who moves into the early lead in this season's Rookie of the Year race with a 30 - 26 squeaker over fellow rookie, Russell "Simmons" Jones and Best One. A mere 4 point loss for the Def Comedy Man, a loss which could have been averted had Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt actually suited up and kicked his share of extra points (which would've given Best One a best one point win). V-Jagt was a late scratch with an undisclosed injury to which Russ' response was something along the lines of "f**k that liquored up kicker, Peyton was right!" And this from a bartender… Moving up into second place as we head into Week VI, also at 4 - 1 is Franks and Beans who took out former league leader Got MiLK? 41 - 28. Once the darlings of the league at 3 - 0, Kevin, Marky Mark and The Commish have fallen on hard times lately, dropping their last two while weathering out some QB and RB byes. But as the saying goes, there's no use crying over spilled MiLK as I'm sure that Marky Mark Machiedo will have the boys feeling the good vibrations (feel it, feel it) and this funky bunch will be back in contention before long. For Joe, the automatic, "have a baby, win the next game" rule applied, and have we ever had an exception to this rule? Matter of fact, once he heard the news that Katelyn was born, Charlie immediately tried to place a big bet down on the F&B's in this game. Only to find out the bookies have become wise to our rowdy biological ways and had already taken the game off the board. Yes folks, gambling by team owners is allowed in this league, and highly encouraged. And the "newborn baby/SI cover jinx" teaser parlay was an especially hot prop bet this week while bets were still allowed… This week has been a peaceful one in the Caruso household as Joe and Guy have found a way to co-exist for now, as well as finding a way to take over the lead of the South Jersey division with a decisive 49 - 28 thrashing of the Dead Fish. As a matter of fact I hear that fish are Chef Joe's specialty! Along with the serving of dead fish, Sunday's buffett in the No Souper Bowl locker room included poached salmon, scallops wrapped in bacon, a little shrimp scampi (am I making everyone hungry yet?), and for the vegetable, some Marcus Pollard greens. And of course, at the risk of making a really bad eating utensil pun, you must use the Lawrence Tynes of you fork to pick up all these good eats… How bad are things for the Fish right now? Well as Fish owner Cuzzin Brucie Lerman put it, "the Mets sucked, the Dolphins suck, and now there's no hockey, not a good sports year for me". Well said my friend, well said. So well spoken, that I think Ricky Williams is offering you a sympathy hit from his bong… In yet another game with historical league significance (we had a few of those this week didn't we?) Rob Hanratty takes over the Class of '94 career record with a 45 - 39 T&B victory over Wardrobe Malfunction. Rob moves ahead of Ken Bamrick by percentage points (.523 to .517) even though they both have 88 career wins (Rob has 2 more ties). For those of you keeping score in the BCS standings (that would be B-C-S as in "Breast Category Series") they currently look like this: Milk has beaten Titties and Nipples while Titties have defeated Nipples thus far. (Rock, Paper, Scissors anyone?). Still to come is a Nipples/Milk rematch in Week 14. To keep things interesting I might be inclined to throw Dead Fish into this race as well, but then we'd need to find another set of words for the "B, C and S" to represent wouldn't we? "Body Cavity Scents" perhaps? Sorry, I should've made Nick cover his eyes before reading that. But then again, I don't think Bobby let's Nick read any of the Rob Hanratty-themed paragraphs anyway, just to be on the safe side. You understand it's not easy raising a kid these days with all this smut around… Woe is KGB! Never a fan of the fast start to begin with, nonetheless Kenny Times Two and Pam have their squad off to the worst start in franchise history as they drop to 0 - 5 after getting spanked by The No Shows 58 - 33 this past week. This is a shocker as Pam has absolutely owned Ian over the years! Well not really "owned" per se, as that would be considered slavery, but maybe a little S&M here and there but who am I to tell stories! Besides, Ian's a big corporate figure now so could you imagine a story like that breaking in Business Week? Anyway, I digress… So what's happened here with our comrades? I realize that Kenny's a 2nd half performer (much like Bernie Williams), but can I get you a bigger shovel to dig out that hole with? The latest Internet rumors out of The Kremlin have Pam threatening a long overdue name change for the team. Yes, the Initial Lady might be back! Can anyone guess what K.C. D.A.F.T would stand for? No not a bunch of stupid Chiefs players! But nice guess… Here's a hint: in no particular order the words would be Team, A, Can't, Ken, Draft and use your imagination with the "F word"… Neil, did you get that helmet in the mail on Tuesday morning? A package with your address was over-nighted to the league office and I had it forwarded to you? No return address but I accidentally opened it thinking it was for me and what do you think I found? A Broncos helmet, a pillow and a piece of paper with cut out letters from various newspapers spelling out the words "Sucks 2 B Drew Bennett"! Yes indeed, a late WR-option TD pass (and how many of those do we see?) from the Titans Drew Bennett allowed Sucks 2 B Me to salvage a 29 - 29 tie in their game against Growing Up Goal Line. And GUGL (no not Google, they've got a lot more money!) owner Fabrizio, never one to let an opportunity for intimidation pass, immediately Fed-Ex'ed the old horses head curse to Mr. Eskow! Not to be outdone, Neil repackaged the box with some of his daughter Krista's My Little Pony playset and sent it back to Fab COD! Please tell me you sent the whole horse though, you did send the whole horse right? Because the thought of little Krista playing with a headless My Little Pony doll, even though Halloween is near, is just not going over for me… Well that's about all we've got time and space for this week, apologies to those teams and owners that didn't get a lot of press in this week's column, I'll try to make it up to you next week. If you're one of those teams, do me a favor and win your game, or at least lose in the most excruciating painful way possible, a safety on Monday Night Football in a one-point game is always nice, so it's easier to write about! 'til next week…
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