The Commish is on a bye this week, so filling in and making his News & Notes debut is KGB III owner Ken Bamrick. Ken's just back from his recent trip to Moscow, which by the way, I heard was "a real gas"!

Since The Commish evidently is too busy to get things done on time, the leader of the KGB III franchise has stepped in to help with the News & Notes and the picks for this week. While I know this opens the door for Kevin Kelly's crap to be spewed upon us at a later date, I still felt it was in the best interests of the league to get the updates out earlier than a World Series Game ends.

Week 8 saw Jeff Blake, Tommy Maddox, the Houston Texans and, believe it or not, Jeff George as the big stories in the league. Emmitt Smith broke Sweetness' rushing record (sad but true), the Raiders, Saints and Patriots have come crashing back to earth and the NY sports scene has been dropped to levels not seen since Joe Pisarcik, Richard Todd, Hawthorne Wingo, Pat Zachary, Fritz Peterson (Can I trade wives with you for a few weeks) and Vince Coleman were leading their respective teams!

Top dog/dollar this week goes to the Douche's for a 64-48 conquest over The Rising. The Rising got 24 points from Jeff (I can't wait to see the remaining Dead members on Nov 20th at the Meadowlands) Garcia, who scored 24 points in a losing effort. On the winning side, the running game carried the show with Deuce ("Bob") McCallister tallying 15 points and rookie and Clinton Portis adding 12. The Malures left this game shaking their heads, drinking too many O'Douls and wondering who they "had to have" to right the ship.

Neil remains on top of the heap this week with a 48-17 trapping of the River Rats. Bubba and the gang go to 6-1-1 at the almost halfway point and continue to amaze the rest of the league. In a strange coincidence, Lou Pinella sited Neil's resurgence during his press conference this week as hope to all 700 fans of the Devil Rays. "Maybe I need to get a dog to advise me", Pinella was heard to say as he addressed both members of the press at Tropicana Field. Mike Flinn, on the other hand, has returned to earth after a great run over the last few seasons. Even Santana Moss's scoring on a punt return couldn't help slow Flinn's freefall.

Joe & Chuck's Speedo wearing Down Boy (I know, a horrible visual) takes over third place with a 45-35 defeat of the Wet Toast Offense. In a battle only Lou Groza could love, Down Boy's Martin Gramatica had 24 points to WTO's kicker total of 19. Brian and Sarah tried to drop Marshall Faulk and replace him with the newest Raider sensation, tight end Doug Jolley, just before game time but were refused by the league office. Edgar Bennett is still out there but they are saving that pick-up for the next Legere & Legere vs Legere match-up.

The Moops took over second place overall with a convincing 54-31 drubbing of now 0-8 Late For The Draft. Only Ian's squad could diminish the record setting performance of Emmitt Smith. 0-8 is a new league record for futility and Ian is now contemplating showing up late for next years draft in person. As for his partner Chris "No I'm not Doug" Jolley, we have this Pinella-esque sound bite from Ian's post-game press conference: "While Christopher has yet to ask for permission to talk with other organizations before his contract expires, that permission has been formally granted." Funny, this kind of thing seems to be going around up there in Seattle, doesn't it? The Carusos continue one of the most successful rookie seasons on record thanks to Famous Amos Zeroue's performance and 24 points from their kickers.

In a grudge match fit for national television, The Commish's Austin Powers club used their mojo to sneak by Kevin Kelly's Cut The Cord 36-35. Kevin immediately demanded a recount and Al Gore has petitioned the league office to begin the recount as soon as possible. When told that at least he stopped The Commish's two week run of high points, KK uttered numerous words that his new born baby soon repeated.

In the battle of the K's, Kang Kong beats Ken & Kompany 35-27. As if sitting at the Meadowlands wasn't hard enough, Ken had to watch Coles and Pennington hook up on a long touchdown to ensure defeat. Bud Bamrick's strategy of changing kickers every week took a break and the team paid for it. Rumors out of the Kremlin indicate management may soon be taken to "the theater" to contemplate their future.

Yet another record for futility was accomplished by the Moon Runners. They lost to The Last Touch Don Squad 37-3 which is the lowest team score in the storied history of the All My Rowdy Friends League. I am not sure what caused this power failure, but federal investigators are trying to determine who put the horse's head in bed with Brian Boghosian. I was starting to get jealous of Brian and James' management style (they have no transactions so far this season) but with Brees, Dwight and both their kickers on bye, they must have been made an offer they couldn't refuse by The Don. More on this as the investigation unfolds. Chief (Bullwinkle) Moose will have his daily briefing to say nothing later today!

This weeks match-ups include a battle of the canine GM's as Bubba (6-1-1) takes on the KGB (5-3), the Futility Bowl which pits (no pun intended) the (2-6) River Rats vs. (0-8) Late For The Draft, Wet Toast (3-5) looks to slay Kang Kong (4-4), Douche's Wild (4-3-1) tries to absorb The Moops (5-2-1), Austin Powers (5-3) tries to pull a Moe Green on the Don (4-3-1), The Rising (3-5) tries to stop the hard charging Down Boy Squad (5-3), and Cut The Cord (3-5) hopes for a repeat from the Moon Runners (5-3).

Thanks again to KGB Kenny for picking up The Commish's slack! And great job fitting your writing style to the standard News & Notes format! If any other aspiring writers are interested in writing a column, in this same format, or a whole new one if you'd like, please notify The Commish's Office, we'd be happy to accommodate you. Yes, even you Kevin Kelly…