So how's about we start this week's column off with a rousing chorus of "I Get High" in honor of Broncos running back Mike Anderson who became the latest victim of the league's substance abuse policy, suspended for the next 4 games for smoking the wacky weed! Then again, I really don't want one of those Parental Advisory:Explicit Lyrics stickers slapped on my column so let's just skip the song for now… However, I do think we need to discuss the NFL's substance abuse policy. Exactly what kind of abuse was Mike Anderson inflicting on his marijuana that got him suspended? Was he like taking a hit, then stepping all over his cigarette? Was he not tearing his rolling paper neatly? Or perhaps he was overfilling the bong? I mean, what I'm really trying to find out here is exactly how far does one have to abuse his drugs before the NFL steps in? And one more thing while we're on this topic. Mike Anderson. Plays for Medulla Oblongata. Fab's playing Chuck and Joe this week. Anderson's a Bronco. Horse head logo. 'nuff said…

Colts receiver Marvin Harrison is listed as doubtful this week with a "grade one" hamstring pull. Exactly what is a "grade one" hamstring pull I ask you? Best I could find was a definition on the Weather Channel that states a "grade one" hamstring is a slight pull with accompanying 40 MPH winds and heavy rain… And if things weren't bad enough for Marvin Harrison's owners, The Commish and Marky Mark, check out the next few paragraphs for this little bit of irony

Last week, in a bid to break out of the 5 - 4 pack ("let my love open the door…"), The Commish made a very bold move, dropping all his remaining Saints, as they were on a bye, in an effort to get a very important win. Now this was not easy mind you, we're talking Linus giving Lucy the blanket here (Rob, Kevin, take it easy)! Anway, Saints dropped, Commish wins, all's good. However, the Commish's win coupled with a loss by his brother (No Pads, No Helmets, No Balls) put Brian behind his sibling in the standings and in a position to bump his older brother for BOTH Aaron Brooks AND John Carney with this week's transactions.

Add Brooks and Carney to Joe Horn and Deuce McAllister who are already on Brian's roster and now the wrong Legere brother has all the Saints! Hey Bro, I thought you were a Raiders fan! It's not nice to disrespect your brother like that! But wait, as they say on TV "that's not all"! Guess what? These two brothers play each other this week! Does it get any better than The Commish and his Raiders (Crockett, Tim Brown) playing Brian Legere and all his Saints? Get your bets down early on this one, I hear Vegas in gonna drop the line the action's so hot…

"No his first name ain't baby. It's James, Mr. Jackson if you're nasty". Or if you're Cleveland RB William Green, also suspended last week on drug related charges. Although it appears Green's coming back this week, guess he was nice to his drugs, not all abusive like Mike Anderson was? Would leaving the hash brownies in the oven too long and burning them be considered drug abuse? How about screaming racial slurs at your cocaine? Anyway, let's move on…

Kevin Kelly's Cortisone Injection continues to lead the league, and after last week's Late For Luau loss, The Manalapan Mauler, and sometimes "Diaper Boy" (nice JPG there Mr. Caruso, something from your personal collection?), now has a commanding two-game lead. Well, not that commanding actually, as there's still a pack of six teams at 6 and 4 just waiting for a chance to move up. Obviously Cortisone Injection leads the Berman, but in other division battles The Late For Latte Boys and Rob's All Male Revue are fighting it out for the Sharpe lead (remind me to change that division name next season, Sterling's no longer with ESPN) and Team Brain and The Brew Crew, 2-3 overall in the BCS rankings, are trying to take The Mortensen (or just The Mort for short). In other divisional news, Deion Sanders is now campaigning to become the next Glory Days head coach…

Moving back to our drug abuse theme, how's about this new designer steroid THG? Like regular steroids that shrink your testicles down to nothing aren't good enough anymore? Geez, talk about your substance abuse! THG actually stands for To Hell with my Gonads! Why would anyone take this stuff, when such natural alternatives like Red Bull, Kandy Korn, and Hostess Cupcakes are readily available, is beyond my comprehension. Or perhaps there's even a better alternative to all that? Like a nice bowl of Flutie Flakes and milk! Did you see this 41-year old guy running around on Sunday? Reminded me of the Lucky Charms guy! Orange stars, blue diamonds, green clovers, and two rushing TD's… Doug Flutie, he's "magically delicious"…

Finally, and I do mean "finally", as in "it's about time". I am proud to announce that beginning this week and continuing throughout the remainder of the season, there are no more byes! So sing along with The Commish and Don McLean as we celebrate the end of the byes. And a-one, and a-two…