OK folks, good day and welcome to Week 10, or if you're one of those Roman numeral loving freaks, a happy Week X to all of you! Staying with the program we had running last week, let's check in with the folks we didn't catch up with last time and see how the other half of the league is living. And I'm sure that by now, even if you didn't see the Monday Night Football game last week, you've all caught wind of Nicolette Sheridan and Terrell Owens' little scene…

Two and a Half Men - Let's open this paragraph by cutting to scene of Mike Malure and Desperate Housewives' Teri Hatcher clad only in a towel, standing in Mike's garage as Teri begs Mike not to play this week's fantasy football game, that instead she has a better "fantasy" for him! So next thing you know we cut to a behind shot and Hatcher's towel falls off, then cut to a wide-eyed Mike shouting "Those are the best! I've got to have them!" as Teri smiles and falls into his arms. The camera then cuts to Bobby and Nick watching the scene from a distance as they wait for Mike's arrival. Bobby's obviously sweating and Nick's just staring somewhat embarrassingly as Bobby hands his son his empty bottle of O'Doul's and says "hold this, I'll be right back" and Nick wipes his brow with the bottle…

Got MiLK? - OK, new team, scene changes to Kevin Kelly and Eva Longoria (also of Desperate Housewives fame). They're standing in Kevin's driveway and Eva's got on some "longorious lingerie" as she looks lustily at Kevin and says "Come on Kev, we all know you're a closet Falcons fan. How about you skip the game and go back inside? We can pretend I'm Michael Vick and you can crumple my Alge"… (yeah baby!) You know what here folks? I know my co-owner and after an offer like that I'd have to think that Kevin's (Warrick) done! "Er guys, we don't really need three coaches for this game do we?"…

Titties and Beer - Now this would be the perfect paragraph for the "hot TV star in a towel" scene, however, we've all known Hanratty for some time and I think you'll agree that Rob's got bigger fantasies than just some "desperate housewife". So we continue on, risking hefty FCC fines, as we put this column on a temporary five second delay and break out those long black bars that cover all the good stuff. Cutting to the chase here, Rob decides that his team sucks anyway and joins T&B wide receiver Ashley Lelie in a little romp with the girls from Debbie Does Dallas (But Not Coach Parcells or that Vinny guy). My favorite line from this scene: "Hey Eddie George, get outta here, this backfield's already too crowded!"…

Genco Olive Oil Company - "You come to me on this my daughter's wedding day, clad only in a simple yet elegant white cotton bath towel, asking me to forgo this momentous occasion, and stay in my office with you as we watch a little Pro Bowlers Tour action on ESPN instead of the 1PM Patriots game? What are you freakin' kidding me? Who do you think I am that I could be toyed with so easily? Now go and confess your sins to Priest Holmes and consider this leniency a gift of my justice on this - the day of my daughter's wedding. And may I ask you to perform a small favor for me while you're there? Yes you thought this day would never come, but it has. Could you let Priest know that should he once again decide not to play this week that it's gonna be a "game time decision" on whether or not he lives! Who does this guy think I am? Don Fabrizio who just mails you a Broncos helmet and doesn't follow through with his idol threats? Fuhgeddaboudit!"

Dead Fish - Sorry Bruce, you're too old for this sort of thing. I don't want you having a heart attack as you read this column! You got a wife and two kids (and another on the way) so that leaves me with just Brian to pick on. But he's a happily married family man so perhaps we could just make Sarah his "desperate housewife"? But then, she'll probably read this and kill me if she finds out I did that to her (Sarah, are you reading? Sarah? Bueller? Anyone?), so for the sake of everyone's health, let's just let Dead Fish lie and move on to tempt another team's owner shall we?

Best One - Six words here. Marcia Cross in a Raiders jersey. ONLY a Raiders jersey… "Hey Russ, why are you going out there this week to play that silly old football game when you can stay in here with me and root your team on from your own Black Hole? You now I'm just Jonesing for a good time! And do you have any of those shoulder pads with the spikes on them? Or maybe the ones with the skulls? Ooh, and do you know what I can do with a gargoyle? Well then just let me show you…"

He-Man Cowboy Haters Club - Terrell Owens steps out of the team showers, see Don Cardoza standing there and says "Don, you know you should've drafted me, you'd be winning the rookie of the year race right now if you had!"… Ouch! Sorry Donny, I was out of DH cast members, unless that Felicity Huffman chick does anything for you? Let me know, I'm always available for a rewrite…

So hopefully you've all made it down this far and the censors haven't cut my entire column! My apologies to those who I actually wrote team notes for last week, for you have not been tempted in this column. However, if you've got a little MNF (Monday Night Fantasy) of your own, drop me a line and I'll print it in next week's column… And talking briefly about actual football for a second, a reminder that there are no more byes! Everyone plays all the time from here on out.

Or as Don "American Pie" McLean might sing:

Bye, bye to those annoying byes