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"Ding dong the bitch is dead!" And the Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx lives! For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about click here, for the rest of you join me in league wide rejoicing as we celebrate Medulla Oblongata's 60 - 32 point bitch-slapping of Cortisone Injection! The Mouth of The South (Jersey) himself, Kevin Kelly, has been quite silent on the matter as his once commanding lead has now shrunk to just a single game. In fact, Kevin, as evidenced by his recent e-mail threads, seems to be trying to divert the attention away from this very fact (his loss, his slim lead, et al) by engaging the rest of us in a debate over who's the better fantasy football commissioner, Guy Caruso (the "kapten" of League Svenska), or yours truly, The Commish. Now while there's obviously no doubt as to the answer to that question, I will most definitely not lower myself to Kevin's level, nor will Mr. Caruso, and we stand united as Commissioners In Brotherhood (Michael Jackson's writing a song for us as we speak… from prison!), and say to you all, "Hey, check out the high points grabbing, ass kicking that Chuck & Joe gave Kevin this past week. Wasn't that freakin' awesome?!" So along with the Cortisone loss, coupled with a Bubba's Brew Crew 28 - 26 victory over the now maxed out M. Underhill's Credit Card, Neil Eskow moves to within a single game of the league lead. And guess what? Not only are these two teams (Cortisone and the Brew Crew) one-two in the BCS rankings (with BCS standing for "Because the Commish Says so), they play each other this week with first place on the line! Now all this wouldn't be possible were it not for the generosity of Giants coach Jim Fassel handing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers a free 2 pointer near the end of the Monday Night game. For you see, Neil and The Commish were tied at 26 after Sunday's action was complete, but Neil still had the Bucs "D" on MNF. The Commish rooted mightily for the Giants to somehow score 10 points, so as to hold on to a tie and at least come out of Week 12 with a buck-and-a-half to show for his team's lack of effort. So Giants interception return puts them over 10 points, no fantasy points for the Bucs "D", Commish goes to sleep. Only to wake up and discover he'd forgotten about the possibility of a safety. Aaargh! Anyway, all for a good cause, I might add. Is my giving Neil a chance to catch Kevin considered a tax deductible donation? Hey wait, what's this I hear? Is that Men Without Hats playing on The Commish's Office karaoke machine? Cool! OK, everyone grab Mr. Microphone and gather round and join in as I ad-lib a verse or two of The Safety Dance. Oh, and instead of Men Without Hats let's call this impromptu band of ours Men Without Hair in honor of The Commish losing in such a "pulling out what precious little hair he has left" kind of way. OK, everybody ready? Cue up the midget in the medieval costume…
Well, enough of that silliness, thank you Ivan, and will somebody please return the midget to Ron Hanratty's bedroom, thank you… Ok, let's get to the rest of last week's Rowdy action, shall we… Speaking of guys with midgets in their bedrooms, with a chance to grab a share of 2nd place Rob fell a little short (ugh, so sorry, even I thought that was some foul wordplay!), coming out on the losing end of a 45 - 31 final score at the hands of KGB III. The surging KGB III that is! Winners of 6 of their last 7 to claw their way back to .500. Hey wait, did someone say "claws" when referencing Pam's team? Joe, you naughty little boy… And in related news, Ken I snow so confident that his team can make up the three game deficit and win this league, he's deactivated his entire family for the rest of the season… With the aforementioned Hanratty loss, Late For Luau takes back control of the soon to be renamed Sharpe Division with a 46 - 29 trouncing of Glory Days. And what has happened to Glory Days? At one point the Binder Boyz were a game over .500 and knocking at the door of greatest? Well I guess no one was home to answer (Hello? Who is it? Candygram…) and as it looks now, Les Freres Malure (pardon my French) are left pining indeed for those glory days. You remember, back when they had guys like Eric Hipple and T.J. Rubley playing QB… As for the Luau, don't count Ian and Chris out just yet. Only two games back with the holiday season fast approaching. And you know what that means, don't you? Plenty of (Chris) jolly old times. "Yes Santa, and for Christmas I want two more Seahawk receivers, a Steve Largent throwback jersey, a Jim Zorn rookie card and a mini-helmet signed by Efren Herrera…" Now if my calendar's not lying, we're nowhere near Father's Day are we? Didn't think so? Then can someone explain to me how this tie got in here? Yes, it was inevitable and now we've finally had our first tie of the season as The Penske File and Kang Kong slug it out to a very San Franciscan 49 - 49 stand still. Is there a Caruso sister that we can kiss? Or in lieu of that, could we dress Joe up in drag so he looks like Julia Child? Er, never mind, my apologies to all of you for the awfully dreadful visual! Yes I realize you're all going to lose your Thanksgiving appetite over that one, so sorry, I get carried away with myself sometimes. So about this tie. Word out of Penske camp has it that the Brothers Grim will be petitioning the league for yet another rule change next season. This one being that all ties be broken by rounds of sudden death Trivial Pursuit questions. "Who invaded Spain in the 8th century"… Losers of 4 of their last 5 and fading fast are The Bi-Polar Bears who drop a 39 - 21 decision to Brian B's Keep It Rolling Along. Asked about their recent losing streak, co-owner Jim Murray said "It's getting very Freddy Krueger here, this season's become a Nightmare on River Street, especially after Flinn tested positive for THG, or Too Heavy Goading that is". Yes, we haven't heard from Mister Flinn via the e-mail medium in quite some time have we? What's the matter Mikey, cat got your tongue… And breaking news from Rolling camp has it that Brian Boghosian will be appearing on an upcoming episode of Playmakers in which he will play the evil adopted brother of Snoop Dogg, who actually played the "do good" brother of one of the players on a previous episode. Ye gods, what's the world coming to when Snoop Dogg's the nice "brother"? Any chance we can get the midget back from Central Casting? Never mind… Well it looks like Brian Legere woke up with a turkey head on his pillow this past Sunday as Fab's Sleeping With The Fish blow away Brian and Sarah's No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls by a count of 54 - 43. See bro, take all my Saints, beat me up the week you play me and see what happens? Now Fab's not cheap let me tell you, but this contract's worth it! Just be careful next week. If you don't give me my Saints back, I'm sending my boy Fab over to your house with a backhoe and a single ball bowling bag… Week 13 (lucky week 13 that is) match-ups look a little like this: KGB I (the rest of them are deactivated, remember?) (6 - 6) meets No Pads, No Helmets…Just All The Commish's Saints (6 - 6). Mr. Underhill's Expired Credit Card (6 - 6) plays Kang's Kong (3 - 8 - 1) whose fit to be tied after last week's letdown. The Bi-Polar Cubbies (6 - 6) take on Late For Jolliness (7 - 5). Medulla Oblongata (a.k.a Phi Beta Slappa) (7 - 5) goes up against Keep It Bowling Along (5 - 7). Girls With Guy's Name (they're all named Caruso?) (7 - 5) plays Glory Daze (5 - 7). Sleeping With The Turkeys (4 - 8) locks horns with The Penske Racing Team (4 - 7 - 1), currently finishing out the season under the caution flag…and of course The Brawl For It All, in a bra-and-panties match (or would you prefer an evening gown match?) it's Cortisone Injection (9 - 3) against Bubba's Brew Crew (8 - 4) Gee, kind of nice to get back to the old column format again, wasn't it? But I couldn't resist throwing in a song, Safety Dance is one of my favorite 80's tunes and with the way my team lost this week it just seemed so appropriate! Well that's about all we've got time for this week folks, everybody enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday, eat lots of food and I hop none of you are still stuck eating at the "kiddie table"! I don't know about you but you know what I'm gonna give thanks for on Thursday? Hopefully, I'll be giving thanks that the Dolphins don't wear those putrid orange jerseys when they play the Cowboys! 'til next week…
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