You guys who know the movie can fill in the rest…

So getting back to that Cincinnati/Cleveland game, that was a pretty impressive 58 - 48 final score wasn't it? Puh-leeze! How's about this 58 - 58 tie we had between Franks and Beans and the He-Man Cowboy Haters Club? Some pretty high scores for nothing better than half a win wouldn't you say? And I don't think that either Chuck, Joe or Don has a sister they could kiss. Well maybe if they did they could swap the sisters and at least get something out of the deal… So sorry guys, this isn't the Ukrainian elections so the results stand and there will be no recount. But there is a silver lining to this story. Like a man who's received way too many Father's Day gifts and the mistress at the local S&M shop, Charlie and Joe now have the most ties in the league, a career high of 8. Hey wasn't this record once Ken Bamrick's bragging right? Yes, I think Ken was the master of this domain, was he not? The ties that is! Not the S&M, that was Rob, but I digress…

Speaking of Ken, KGB III manages to avoid tying the worst start in league history as they getting a 34 - 22 win over the Dead (and getting Deader by the week) Fish. Fresh off of last week's Turkey of the Year Award as announced in SI, Ken pulls the following stunner on Wednesday night. It's 11PM and I get a "panic email" from Ken asking if he could please get a late move in and pick up a kicker because he just found out that John Kasay isn't kicking this week. OK, we all know The Commish is just and fair and the league's worst kept secret is that occasionally out of the goodness of his heart (and a $20 under the table tip) he allows a late move in on stats night, but this one doesn't smell right to me. So I take a quick look at the stats and determine that,

a) Ken doesn't even own John Kasay, he has Todd Peterson and Ryan Longwell

This folks, is how a team gets a 2 - 10 record. Kids, do not try this at home, Ken is a trained professional… Getting back to Les Poisson Morte (that's Dead Fish en francais by the way) what am I supposed to do when I see Bruce floating on top of the tank? Oh what's that? He's just sleeping? OK, maybe next week he'll wake up. So Bruce, let me see if I got this straight, that was drop Suggs, Wheatley and Christie, add Csonka, Kiick and Yepremian right? Or did Brian overrule you and pick up Van Eeghen, Marcus Allen and George Blanda…

200 straight games started for Brett Favre? Puh-leeze! You call that a football iron man record? How about the 233rd week in a row The Commish has sat down to do the stats on a Wednesday night? Yeah sure Favre's survived concussions and contusions, but let me tell you that Carpal Tunnel, writer's cramp and a stiff lower back from this crummy office chair with no lumbar support ain't no bed of roses either! So how does The Commish celebrate this unparalleled feat of commissionary longevity? By going out and dropping a 61 - 35 decision at the hands of the Genco Olive Oil Company that's how! Not happy with his team's performance at both the kicker and the QB position (did they really just pick up Drew Henson and John Navarre in back to back weeks?), Kevin and John have decided to fire tri-captain and Notre Dame fan Mark Machiedo and replace him with the recently available ex-Fighting Irish head coach Tyrone Willingham. Sorry Mark, only good tasting tuna get to be Starkist… With the victory, Genco Ltd moves up to take their turn leading the always evolving Non Jersey division as just a game and a half separate all five teams. As for his chances of staying there the rest of the season? Well, Brian might want to consult a certain Priest about that...

Also just a game and a half back of the leaders are Two and a Half Men, who are not dead yet and still within Fighting Irish distance of catching Sucks 2 B Me for the league lead. One and a half out with five left to play, including possible back-to-back head-to-head matchups in the divisional and overall position weeks? If I was a betting man (which I'm not, really…) I like those odds. With a hard fought 30 - 26 victory over Growing Up Goal Line this past week, Team Migliore moves to 8 - 4 and guarantees themselves a second straight winning season. With all their recent success, Two Point Five Men decided to honor the memories of past binder boys who had fought so hard so the team could be this good. At halftime of this past week's contest, Uncle Joe Hrabovsky was inducted into the franchises Ring of Honor… I hear there's a new Godfather sequel coming out, is that correct? I was reading an excerpt from the new book in the newspaper the other day and can you believe they had this scene in there where The Don has a fantasy football team and he loses to a rival family's consigliore so before the Monday Night game (hey maybe it was Don Meredith?) he drops a Broncos helmet on the guy's mother's doorstep! I can't believe this. I hope Fab's getting a cut of those royalty checks…

Looks like Russell Jones made the news lately, by dying! But before you start sending roses, please allow me to explain… Rap star ODB, better known as Old Dirty Bastard passed away a few weeks back. Died of natural causes mind you, I thought he got knifed at the Vibe Awards, but that was someone else, Dr. Dre Bly or something. Anyway, I digress (once again surprise surprise)… So ODB is obviously not this dude's real name, it's actually OTB, no seriously, he was named Russell Jones by his mama. Yes, the same name as the old dirty bastard in our league who owns the rookie team of Best One. Who, while we're on the subject, improve to .500, just two games off the Rookie of the Year pace (being set by Jim "Old Southern Bastard" Flinn) with a 43 - 30 whupping of No Souper Bowl For You. For The Caruso Bros, the Eli Manning Era is not better than the Josh McCown Era was, as the losses pile up regardless of who's calling the signals. Hey guys (well Guy and Joe actually), I think you need to find a younger Caruso to take this team over. Do we have a cousin or someone who's like 15 years old that can pull a Nick Malure type makeover on your franchise? Or do we have to go to drastic measures and get this team on an episode of The Swan? Get well soon! Please don't make me go the reality TV route…

And in the late game, it's was Wardrobe Malfunction taking sole possession (if three guys can take "sole" possession of anything) of the South Jersey, and 3rd place overall, with a 43 - 37 win over The No Shows. Hey "sole possession"? Maybe that's what happened to the Dead Fish this season? Got their filet of sole all possessed and now they can't win a game? Anyway, that was 4 paragraphs ago this is now. Well if Jim Flinn can invade the previous paragraph I guess mixing franchise news in a "you got your chocolate in my peanut butter" type style is fair game. Besides, since he won, I don't have Mike's weekly rant to reprint in this space so we're looking for some filler. Let's go to sideline reporter Leslie Visser who's standing by with Slim Jim Murray who claims he's the real brains behind this operation... Sorry folks, it appears Leslie's headset is not working so moving right along to the other sideline, what news from The Pacific Northwest? Another No Show loss and another firing-watch for Mr. Jolley. Did anyone see any video footage of Chris leaving the company HQ in a taxi this week? OK, perhaps we're safe, you just never know with this Ian guy. The original league founding father has fallen to just a mere 10 games over .500 for his career and might be looking for a new coach. I hear Utah head coach Urban Meyer's available. Urban Meyer you say? Yeah, nice Jewish kid from the projects coaching at a Mormon school, great success story! Or maybe you'd prefer Tyrone Willingham, that Irish African American, no wait, he coached The Irish right? Or was he the guy from the Irish Spring commercial… Oh never mind, just get that damn whistling jingle out of my head!…

So has it stopped snowing in Denver yet? Anyway, it's time to move on and you know it must be getting late in the season, we've had our first "washed up veteran signs on as the 3rd QB" sighting of the season. How long til Kevin Kelly picks up Jeff George? I say he's just one John Navarre interception away from being a Got MiLKer… Gotta run and interview that Urban Meyer guy before Notre Dame and Ian get to him! Hey, you think he's any relation to that Oscar guy that sells all the baloney? Damn, there's another jingle stuck in my damn head! "My baloney has a first name…" 'til next week…