Every Who
Down In Who-ville
Liked football a lot…

But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!

He hated day games, Monday Night games, games after dark.
He hated Madden, Al Michaels, even Melissa Stark!
He hated Rich Gannon, Tim Brown, even Randy Moss,
The Grinch hated Al Davis, that grinchy Raider Boss!
He hated QB's like Garcia and Kitna
But he admits that he has a small fondness for Ditka.

But,
Whatever his reason,
For hating football,
He looked like Kevin Kelly, but not quite so small.
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
Looking much like a coach forced to punt on fourth down.
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was fixing the roster of their fantasy team.

"They're picking up new kickers!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Sunday! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously beating,
"I MUST find a way to keep Eskow from repeating"
For, tomorrow, he knew…

…All the Who girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd root for their boys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Whos, young and old, would start a tailgating feast
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would cook up hot wings from the rare Who-roast beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Sunday games nearing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start cheering!

They'd cheer! And they'd cheer!
And they'd CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Who-Christmas-Cheer
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole year!"
"Why for twelve Rowdy seasons I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop football from coming!
… But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed and he sneered.
And he made a quick COMMISH.COM hat and a beard.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!"
"With this goatee and this hat, I'll look just like The Commish!"

"All I need is a web site…"
The Grinch looked around.
But the pickings were scarce with the economy down.
Did that stop the old Grinch…?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a web site, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a Dell laptop on top of his head.

Then
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down slow
Toward the homes where the Whos
Revered Drew Bledsoe

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams of McNair
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The Grinchy Commish hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if The Commish could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who rosters all hung in a row.
"These stats sheets," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, like a belt on a conveyor,
Around the whole room, and he took every player!
Michael Vick, Aaron Brooks and McAllister, Deuce.
He got Shockey, Gonzalez, even Isaac Bruce.
McCaffrey, Moulds, Mungro, Plaxico as well!
And Antwaan from Pittsburgh, last name Randle El.

Tom Brady, Culpepper, Janikowski the kicker,
Peerless Price, David Carr and both Gramaticas,
Jake Plummer, Joe Nedney and Chicago's Jim Miller
And the Packers DE Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila!

He started up the chimney but then got a shock.
"An IDEA!" grinned the Grinch, "I'll steal Ian's alarm clock!"

As the Grinch grabbed the clock, he dropped to one knee
For he heard a small sound, the sound sounded Jolley.
He turned around fast, and he saw a big Who!
A big Microsoft-Who, must be Release 2.

The Grinch had been caught by this Microsoft-Worker-Who
Who'd got out of bed for some good java brew.
He stared at the Grinch and said, "Commish, why,"
"Why are you taking Ian's alarm clock? Why?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick.
He said, "You were late for the draft ! And I've got to fix it!"
"Why, you Chris-Jolley-Who", the fake Commish preened,
"For the love of Bill Gates your team's one and fourteen!"
"So I'm taking it home," said the Grinch with a leer.
"I'll fix it right up. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the Who, and he patted his hair
Said "Would've been a better draft had you been there"
And when the Microsoft-Who went to bed with his coffee
He thought, "Boy that guy's season has turned out just awfully!"

Then the last player he took
Was the Charger Drew Brees.
Before he went up the chimney, as quiet as a flea…
On their walls he signed his name with Terrell Owens' sharpie.

And the one measley player
That he left in the joint
Was a player that was even too bad for Detroit.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Who's dens

Leaving players
Much too bad
To play for the Lions!

It was quarter past dawn…
The Who's unaware of their troubles
And the Caruso-Brother-Who's
Asleep in their plastic bubbles.
The Grinch packed up the sled full of all the Whos' players.
Oops! He dropped Az Hakim! He'll come back for him later!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was Grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no football is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"They'll put on ESPN and in a minute or two"
"They'll see no Chris Berman and will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
And it sounded a lot like the FOX pre-game show…

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
Must be James Brown and Terry!

He stared down at Who-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Without any players at all!
He hadn't stopped football from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow without players, they were playing the games!

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without Pennington and goal line stands!"
"It came without Faulks, without Kurt Warner's hand!"
And he puzzled three hours, 'til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe football," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe fantasy football means a little bit more!"

And what happened then…?
Well… in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Worked better than Dan Reeves' new one that day.
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his sled through the bright morning light
And he brought back the players and Neil's league title dreams
And he…

…HE HIMSELF…!
The Grinch got his own Rowdy Friends team!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE COMMISH!