As I begin writing this week's column the Florida Marlins lead the Yankees 6 - 2 in the top of the 7th inning of Game 5 of the World Series. Someone pinch me and remind me that it's hockey season! Oh and before we go any further, a reading tip for the rookie owners as they break their Don Cherry and read their first News & Notes column of the season. Anything in italics needs to be sung. Trust me, you'll get it when you see it…

Actually it's quite early in the hockey season isn't it? Seems like so long ago since I bit into a Big Easy and felt the sensation of a cool breeze running over my bald head… Never mind, that was that (Michael) York Peppermint Patty I had at 3PM today… Yes, it's just week two (2 as in "minutes for") and that's when all kinds of crazy things can happen. Teams like the Islanders, Canadiens, Thrashers and Kings find themselves in first place. While other teams like the Rangers suck no matter what month it is! Hey Fabrizio, no offense meant on your Islanders there, just want to make sure we're clear on this, I wouldn't want to wake up with a horses head (or the Calgary Flames third jersey) next to me in bed!

And what's up with the Thrashers? Did they really need that car wreck to motivate them? I mean, who would've predicted a 4-0-2-1 (and remind me to discuss this overtime loss, 4th column pet peeve of mine in a later column) start despite the big absence of Dany Heatley? Perhaps we need to call this team the Atlanta Crashers? Ouch! All you players on the Capitals, Wild and Sharks (3 - 14 - 3 combined record, and do we need a 4th column if it's 0?) who drive Ferraris take note. Convince your team's 4th line center to take a drive with you and… Wait a minute I can't go here, can I? No definitely not! If I do I think I'll be visited by The Ghost of Pelle Lindbergh while I sleep, Ebeneezer style if you know what I mean…

Marc-Andre Fleury, 18 years old, #1 draft pick, starting NHL goalie, living in the owners' house and babysitter for Mario Lemieux' kids to boot. Does it get any better than this? And why do I keep thinking about the film Risky Business whenever I here this kid's story? I'm just waiting to fire up NHL.COM one night and read about how Marc-Andre, channeling his best Tom Cruise, is running a brothel out of Chez Mario and how Guido the Killer Pimp (played by the same guy who played Ralphie on The Sopranos by the way) stole all of the Lemieux family furniture and heirlooms as revenge. Fleury's then got to borrow about 2000 large from backup goalie Sebastian Caron and Janet Gretzky to pay off Guido and get the furniture back before Mario returns from a hard night of cookin' the Penguin books at The Igloo. Of course all ends well but there's this small crack in Mrs. Lemieux' Faberge egg. You know, the one that Jaromir Jagr gave her as a present when he went over to Russia to sign that league contract for the 2004-05 season… "Just take those old trophies off the shelf, The Conn Smythe, Hart and even Selke…"

Speaking (or singing) about music, I was going to use this part of the column for a song parody about Inuit Eskimo turned Nashville Predator Jordin Tootoo but I can't decide on a song to use. Maybe you can help? I've got my choices narrowed down to Eddie Money's "Tootoo Tickets To Paradise" ("I've got Tootoo skat-ing on the ice, his de-mean-or's not very nice…"), The Spin Doctors "Tootoo Princes" ("Tootoo, Eskimo skates before you, yes he is now. One, two assists he will score for you"), or Meatloaf's "Tootoo Out of Three Ain't Bad" ("I want him (he wants him), I need him (he needs him), but there ain't no way, I'm ever gonna claim him, unless he's bad, (5 minute major bad), but Tootoo out of three ain't bad…") Vote for your favorite today, or stay with last week's selection, The Who's "Tootoo Are You?" Call today, don't delay (and can't you just tell this is going to be a running theme all season?)…

Now I don't want to go off on a rant here but how's Patrick Roy coming along after that tiger attack? Now this wasn't the tiger that they had all cooped up in that Harlem apartment was it? Because if it was, I think I've got a motive. Picture this, a tiger forced to live uptown in Harlem. Bad enough you say stop right there, he's got to share a 'hood with Slick Willie Clinton, isn't that enough? No way dude, not only does this tiger not have political aspirations, and thank heavens for that, but he also does not have any room to move in that apartment, and like could there be more people in the race for the democratic nomination? Hey wait, what if the tiger ate Al Sharpton? Anyway, he's confined to sitting in the living room all day (because the crocodile's taking up the entire bathroom, but that's a riff for a whole other rant!), and he's got nothing on the TV but MSG Network and he's being forced a steady diet of New York Rangers hockey! Now you don't have to be a Rangers fan for me to tell you, watching an entire slate of Rangers game is even worse than being forced to sit through an entire season of this new show The O.C. Can you say 9-0-2-1-Oh so bad?.

So, this tiger's got to feelin' real ornery (and we're talking Dale Hunter/Pierre Turgeon type ornery) because he's all kinds of schizo from watching Mike Dunham and Dan Blackburn not protecting their territory well, and we all know cats are territorial animals, don't we? Animal Planet, Thursdays at 9, they've got a great running documentary about these Tigers in Africa; think The Real World meets The Serengeti, "This is the true story of seven tigers, picked to share a vast grassy savannah with nothing to eat but wildebeests and zebras, to find out what happens when wild animals stop being polite and start getting real". So of course, moral of the story, the tiger attacks the first goaltender he sees, wouldn't you? And by the way, exactly when did Patrick start hangin' with this Siegfried freak anyway? Never mind, I think I might've caught that on the last episode of Queer Eye for The Crease Guy…

And after giving you my almost-best Dennis Miller (holding just a little back for future columns), I bid you all a fond goodnight! I promise we'll get into those team-by-team intros next week. I just had to let the rookies see a bit of my crazy side so they get hooked and keep reading this column week after week! It's still 6 - 2 Marlins in the 8th by the way, not too bad, I wrote a whole column in less than an inning! Well, if you count the break for "God Bless America" that is… 'til next week…