OK, so let me see if I've got this situation straight. If my calculations are correct, that's a grand total of:

December 18th, 2006

For those of you experiencing goaltending "issues" with your team, I present the following free agent tidbit gleaned from the pages of Rotoworld.com today...

Forget baseball and Daisuke Matsusaka whom they call Dice-K, the main man from Japan in the sports world right now is "F-U Fuji"! And I'm sure the folks at the Japanese company that makes cameras and film won't be offering any sponsorship deals anytime soon! But perhaps Kodak might? Now I was unable to find a picture of F-U in some on-ice action so I asked the nice folks down at the local police station if they could draw me one of those "artist's renditions" from the narrative listed above. Based on that here's what we can expect to see in Los Angeles should Dan Cloutier's shoulder problems linger...

And who knows? If this experiment works out I think I could see the Rangers calling up World Wrestling Federation chairman Vince McMahon and asking about the availibility of former heavyweight champs Rikishi and Kamala!

December 13th, 2006

Hello everyone and an early Happy Holidays to all! I know it's a little premature (easy Kevin and Rob!) but how about a Christmas themed Top 10 to kick start the holiday season, eh?

See a holiday Top Ten in which the Anaheim Mighty Ducks did not change their name! Although the Mighty Elves would definitely work, especially with Will Ferrell skating center between Selanne and Niedermayer…

But wait, that's not all! We here in the Slap Shot Fantasy Hockey League are multi-denominational! No, that doesn't mean we have money of many different values in our wallet (does anyone have two 10s for a 5?), it means we celebrate all religions and faiths equally! (and don't Islander fans know all about having alot of faith?) So here's a Top 10 for the holiday of all the Jewish owners in the league. Since it's Hanukkah (or is that spelled Chanukkah? Neil, can I get a ruling?), I'm going to cut this down to a Top 8, one for each of Adam Sandler's Crazy Nights!

Sergei Federov, not a Jew,

... and before you go there, the answer is yes. I have asked Georges Laraque, Anson Carter, Ray Emery and Kevin Weekes to help me out on the "Top 10 Ways To Tell It's Kwanzaa In The NHL", I hope to have that up here shortly...

December 7th, 2006

This entry comes to us courtesy of Kevin Kelly, who felt the need to comment on Johnny La's writing style. Personally, I think perhaps Mr. Kelly's a tad bit jealous here because Mr. La has stolen some of Kevin's Modus Operandi or better yet, maybe Mr. Kelly feels that Johnny's stolen a little bit of his mojo, no? Oh, and please see previous entry if you have no idea what's going on here.

Ok, I know I actually earned my college degree, but Johnny La…c’mon! Did u get a diploma from a Cracker Jack box??? I mean we all learned the

Concept of a “run-on sentence” in 4th grade!!!! So gentiles, for the benefit of Johnny La, I give you a graphical presentation of standard punctuation:

“.” – This is a period; it goes at the end of a sentence. It is not representative of “that time of the month”

“,” – This is a comma, it goes to separate two different thoughts within the same sentence.

“?” – This is a question mark, which can normally be found at the end of a grammatically correct statement that requires an answer. It is also found inside the minds of anyone who just read Johnny La’s rantings.

“!” – This is an exclamation point, commonly found at the end of a sentence to show emotion, or to illicit impact or substance. Also found after reading prose from Johnny La

“:” – This is a colon. Used to focus a readers attention on what is to follow. No, this is not the same as the location of Marc D’Alesandro’s rectal problems.

”;” – This is a semi-colon. This is generally used to link 2 or more independent clauses. Again, this is not half an ass, or a portion of Marc DA’s rectal problems.

And I fancy myself a math-wiz, but Johnny La had to go and make me bring up all these terrible grammatical rules that scarred me during my formative years, I’d much rather just say “F*ck It!” (Notice the exclamation point at the end, so end my statement and show emotion and or urgency).

Next Weeks Lesson:

December 6th, 2006

Hello everybody, hope you've all gotten at least a little rest after last week's column… I got a few good suggestions games I left out of last week's excellent match-ups so I went ahead and ran the simulations and want to share the outcomes with those of you who suggested them.

First for Johnny La (who will appear again later in this column, so consider this the literary device of foreshadowing, along with a few more items I'll be sprinkling throughout the next few paragraphs), I ran an Original Six contest featuring the Red Wings of Gordie Howe and Stan Mikita's Blackhawks.

1954 Red Wings 5, 1963 Blackhawks 2

The other game was suggested to me by someone whom I work with who said that since I'm now living in what was once Whaler Country I should match up my new and former home town teams so I went with a Whalers/Devils tilt featuring a Devs team from back in the "Mickey Mouse" days of the franchise:

1990 Whalers 6, 1983 Devils 4

Peter Sidorkiewicz makes 33 saves in the home net for The Whale (yes we played at The Mall) and Chico Resch gets pulled early in favor of Ron Low in the Devs net. Pat Verbeek scores the rare multi-team hat trick, getting one for the Devs and two for his Whalers incarnation as he played for both of these teams. And Bobby Holik scores as a Whaler too. Interesting…

OK enough of that stuff already! I've personally helped the cause of No-Doze and Dunkin' Donuts stock this past week. If you're not in now, it's too late…

Too late indeed for some as I see that John LeClair is no longer in the NHL! For Lone Phantom owner and long time wearing of the LeClair sweater on Draft Day, our hearts go out to you in this time of mourning. So when do we sit Shiva? Or do they not do that sort of thing up in Canada, eh?

From dying comes rebirth as I see the Islanders have taken over residency in first place in the Atlantic Division! What in the name of Lazarus is going on here? Did Charles Wang retire? Is Garth Snow a GM prodigy? Will Rick DiPietro keep the $60 million or choose another case and wait for The Bankers next offer? I say the Isles are the real Deal. Can I get a witness from The Mausoleum?…

Moving right along, did you read the one about the guys who got fired from their jobs because they made a late night fast food run using the company Zamboni? No seriously this is a true story. Just click here to read the article. It's actually quite humorous. Well hopefully they didn't take that thing through the Taco Bell drive thru! Not with all the E Coli outbreaks going on over there in New Jersey. Heck, make a run for the border? No way, try making a run for the ER!

Speaking of E. Coli (and medical emergencies), it's time for our first "La Rants" column of the season! No that's no L-A as in Los Angeles, they're too laid back to rant for any period of time. It's "La" as in "laa", as in "Johnny La" (do-re-me-fa-so- Johnny La), the owner of the Hock E. Coli franchise who as most of you remember, likes to rant in one big run-on sentence on the NHL, the local NY area scene and world geopolitics! (Just think of Don Cherry and Lou Dobbs sharing a crack-pipe and you'll get a good visual)

Well here we go, it's all its unedited glory, Johnny La's recent ravings. Just remember, punctuation is optional and the opinions expressed in this column are the author's own and not necessarily those of COMMISH.COM or Kevin Kelly, (but I bet at least one of us would probably agree with anything that anyone can come up with)…

Well Hello everybody this is JOHNNY RANT AND RAVE saying hello to everybody for the 2006-2007 Season hope everybody had a good Thanksgiving and holiday. Well Commish looks like the name I have for my team which I have to thank you for has been going a lot of places these day's E-Coli from the Cruse Ships to land now I don't mean to put the N.J. DEVILS DOWN but I know they like these Bargain basements deals with players and verious other things but they have to do better on the road than TACO BELL for lunch and dinner now I know why they only scored 5 goals in there last 4 road games and CHICO RESCH the one time N.Y.I and N.J. player went between periods of a N.J.vs sharks game to ask the Shark fans what they thought about the way the devils were holding the puck and Trapping and like many people Atlantic or Pacific they did not LIKE THE GAME BEING PLAYED THAT WAY so Chico along with the Devils They went to TACO HELL where they spotted a N.Y. Islander there SATAN was having lunch with MIKHAIL TREPASHKIN andI hear that PUTIN was a reason for this bad meat well with that name

Poisoning

and just think about it while Bill is busy banging away Hillary the snake will be busy killing your hard earn money and Taxes to people who don't want to work and pay taxes don't speak ENGLISH which I have to give the nut JOHN ROCKER Credit he spoke out about it and boy if everything goes like that 8 year time period than as boxing famous saying goes LET'S GET READY TO RUMBEL because I see us getting attacked again and if CLINTON is in charge you seen how much security we had at the Airports Bus Terminals Ferry Terminals and all other major places after 1993 which if we had something it MIGHT have stopped a 911 of 2001 now we have as the famous GREAT ONE said of the SWAMPERS we have a MICKEY HOUSE SECURITY SYSTEM but at least it's something well until next time everybody take care and enjoy.