Let's open this week's column by congratulating Mark Messier on his moving into 2nd place on the NHL's all-time scoring list. A nice round of applause for everyone's second favorite bald captain please. Wait a second. Second favorite bald captain? And exactly who would be the first? Why Star Trek: The Next Generation's Captain Jean-Luc Picard, who else? Jean-Luc? Too bad the guy had to toil away his best years riding some hulk of metal through the galaxy making interstellar life safe for all mankind. Actually, better make that just "all kinds". Because you know, if he hadn't gone into space travel, he would've made one hell of a goalie. I think he actually studied with those Allaire brothers too once… But I digress! Messier, no spring chicken himself, passes the aged one, once a Whaler On Ice himself, Gordie Howe, and now needs only to play for another 43 seasons as the Rangers third line center before he can catch Wayne Gretzky for the all-time scoring lead. Never know? Maybe they sign can Adam Oates to feed him some assists? Or better yet, maybe Mess could prolong his career by centering a line of Geordie Laforge and Data. Do you remember the episode where The Enterprise goes back in time…

Speaking of going back in time, it's that time of the season when the newest inductees to the NHL Hall of Fame are announced. This year we've got Grant Fuhr and Pat Lafontaine being enshrined. Now we all remember Grant Fuhr as the goalie for the Edmonton Oilers back when Gretzky and Company were winning all those Cups. Hey wait a minute! Fuhr's going into the Hall of Fame and Messier's still playing? Wow, didn't make that connection until just now. And based on all those Cups we remember Fuhr as this awesome goalie don't we? Well wouldn't you know, if you look up his stats, Grant's got a 3.38 lifetime GAA. And we all know, that wouldn't even get him a sniff on the free agent pages in our league! As a matter of fact, I bet with that percentage, Rob Hanratty cuts him! Of course though, the "high" goals against was actually rather low (not Ron Low, just low) for the time because Jacques Lemaire hadn't yet stolen the plans for the Trap from the secret KGB files and goalies back then couldn't wear king-size Serta Extra Perfect Sleepers tied to their legs, nor were they allowed to have gloves the size of Luis Polonia's. Sorry, thought I'd just toss an obscure baseball reference to remind you Yankee fans that you didn't win the World Series this year…

Now moving on to Pat Lafontaine. Wasn't he in the movie "Youngblood"? Oh no wait that was Rob Lowe wasn't it? Oh and before I get back to Pat, does anyone remember the then unknown actor who played the goalie in that movie? Let me give you a hint. "Excellent, dude!" OK, need another? He's currently starring in a movie that's a third episode of a series. No sorry, Gollum was NOT the goaltender in the movie "Youngblood". Although that would be quite a show wouldn't it? "My precious! Must keep my precious out of the crease!" OK, one more hint. He's a real "Neo"-classical actor, wink, wink. Yep, that's right folks, Keanu Reeves was the goalie in the movie "Youngblood". Can you just imagine if he had his Matrix moves then? Puck coming at him in slow motion… He jumps and lunges with the glove hand… Whole body spinning and twisting real slow above the crease as his stick hand comes up real slow from below… Puck hits stick, rebounds in super slo-mo out of the crease… Then the action speeds up again, and Patrick Swayze grabs the puck and (sorry 'bout this, major cheesy 80's song alert!) "skates like the wind" into the Neutral Zone where he passes ahead to Rob Lowe on the West Wing (hey that was a lot better pun than the last one!). Lowe shoots! He scores! And she's only sixteen year's old! Oh my, talk about putting the biscuit in the basket! Somebody grab the video camera…

Hey, if I don't say so myself, not too bad a paragraph there for having absolutely nothing to say about Pat Lafontaine! Moving away from the Hall of Fame, and The Matrix, and Keanu Reeves, and Patrick Swayze's singing, and Rob Lowe's… Er Commish? Can we get on with it? Sorry… Moving back to Slap Shot league action we've still got Icing Happening in the top spot. The rookie's still in first? Come on? Anyone care to volunteer to de-Ice the freezer? Also this week, we've already had our first trade of the season! Yes folks, we've broken our trading (Don) Cherry as Foil Up Walt Cherniak sends Jaromir Jagr and Radek Bonk to Brian Legere's Canada Dry for Glenn Murray and "Ron" Jeremy Roenick. Nice deal to get things started boys! Everyone else take note, trading season has begun. And here's a nice piece of trivia for you. Last season's first trade also involved Brian Legere and he traded, guess who? Yep, Jaromir Jagr…

The Atlanta Thrashers, having already lost Dany Heatley to Cell Block D and Dan Snyder to the man upstairs, now have lost second leading scorer Marc Savard as well. Not sure what happened to Marc that caused his latest injury, but all I know is that if I'm Thrasher management, I duct taping Ilya Kovalchuk to the locker room wall until the season's over! Marian Gaborik has finally signed a contract with the Minnesota Wild, ending his season long holdout. Gaborik said he was tired of playing wide open pick-up hockey games in which he was allowed to roam free offensively and scored many hat tricks. Instead he longed for the days of Lemaire's Weasel Trap (the system, not Johnny La's team!), and that stifling defense that so shuttered his natural born offensive skills. Oh and he also didn't want to let that Korean guy down. Now I know that if Fab owned Gaborik he would've threatened him to sign a contract, even going so far as to leave a horse's head (or the Flames fire snortin' horse head third jersey logo) in Marian's bed. But what did Dave Kang do to entice Gaborik to sign? Leave a little poi dog's head on the pillowcase next to the mint?

And one that note, I think it's time to go before the animal rights freaks find me! I leave you for this week with this little brain teaser. One of these things is not like the other. Which of the following does not belong? Jordin Tootoo, Jarko Ruutu, Jonathan Cheechoo or Joey Juneau? The answer in seven days… 'til next week…