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The big news leading off this week's column is that the Detroit Red Wings have placed Cujo on waivers! Poor dog, did they really have to do that to him? Now he's going to go all rabid and I bet he's going to find some poor women and her child stuck in their car. Then he's going to jump on the hood, drool all over the front window and basically scare the bejeezus out of them! Oh wait, what's that? We're not talking about a mental Saint Bernard here? You mean, Cujo the goalie? Curtis Joseph, Cujo? Oh, so sorry! Man, I sure hope somebody claims him otherwise there's going to be quite a slobbering mess to clean up in the Joe Louis Arena! I wouldn't want to be the guy who has to clean up that crease… Moving on to other NHL transaction news, the Pittsburgh Penguins continue to make a mockery of the entire "pay for play" concept as they shed yet more salary, trading Martin Straka to the L.A. Kings in return for two guys who make about a buck sixty-three an hour between them. No, there are no Mexican day laborers playing third line for the Penguins, just two guys named Sergei Anshkov and Martin Strbak, whose names translate roughly in Russian to "Moe and Curly" by the way… Wait a second? Martin Straka for Martin Strbak? Is this for real? We take the "b" out of Strbak, change it to an "a" and move it to the end of the last name, pushing all the remaining letters together and what do we have? Voila! Martin Straka for Martin Straka! Very strange indeed! Somebody get me on the phone with the superhero guy Letter Man from PBS' The Electric Company… One of the most sought after free agents this week was winger Raffi Torres. First off let me assure you all that he was NOT one of the day laborers traded for Straka. Secondly, let me also assure you that no, he is not the same Raffi who goes around singing children's songs. Although "the wheels on the Zamboni go round and round" does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Rather, this Raffi plays for the Edmonton Oilers, the same Oilers who froze their Stanley Cups off in last week's outdoor loss to the Montreal Canadiens and their tuque-sporting goaltender Jose Theodore. And no, Jose is also not one of the day laborers traded for Straka… So is it cold enough out there for you? Not as cold as Edmonton granted, but The Commish's Office thermometer doesn't go that low! So with Old Man Winter just around the corner, and the holiday season not that much further behind, ain't gonna be too long 'til we all "get the spirit", eh? Have you noticed that there are radio stations playing Christmas songs 24/7 now? Is this necessary? Well if they're gonna do it, I might as well try to get some airplay myself. So now, would you please join me as I fire up The Commish's Office karaoke machine and attempt my own hockey-themed holiday tune. It's called "Gooning In A Winter Wonderland", sung of course to the tune of "Walking In A Winter Wonderland" and you astute owners might recall a similar tune from one of last seasons News & Notes. Hey look who's here to help me sing this, it's Raffi Torres! Hit it!
Whew, I feel better after singing that song. Nothing like a nice holiday "goon tune" to get the spirits up, eh? Well, it looks like fan voting has already begun for the NHL All Star Game, which will be held on February 8th in Minnesota. And from the looks of things, it appears that someone is doing some serious ballot box stuffing as the starting goaltender for the East right now is Pelle Lindbergh! Could a ghost really start in goal? But wouldn't the puck go right through him? Sure, but it's the All Star Game, how many shots actually get blocked anyway? A ghost in net is definitely an issue (talk about a weak five-hole!), but that's not what troubles me the most about this year's game. What's really got me worried is the fact that the MVP of the game usually gets a car, and after what last season's MVP, Dany Heatley, did with his, I think the powers that be better reconsider this award. Perhaps something like a Sedgway to the man with the most goals or something along those lines… And after a column peppered with references to rabid dogs, day laborers, Europeans with interchangeable names, children's singers singing about goons and ghosts of goalies past, I'm gonna cut my losses and call it a night. Everyone be on the lookout for an important e-mail from me, I'm on vacation next week (December 6th through the 13th) and there will be no stats done next Wednesday, the 10th. Send in the moves to me anyway by the usual Wednesday deadline, I'll sort everything out when I return on Sunday (the 14th). I'll just do stats through Tuesday the 9th then. Only problem is you won't really know who you got if you claimed anyone, so just be sure to root for everyone on your list from the 10th through the 14th just in case! 'til the week after next…
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