Every Who
Down In Who-ville
Liked hockey a lot…

But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!

He hated blue lines, zambonis, all hockey type things.
He hated the Leafs, Canadiens, the Detroit Red Wings!
He hated Mario, Straka, Kovalev and Lang,
And ESPN's John Buccigross and Darren Pang!
He hated goalies like Brodeur and Denis
But he admits that he has a small fondness for Tie Domi.

But,
Whatever his reason,
For hating hockey,
He was quite small in stature like Theo Fleury.
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
Looking much like a coach forced to skate one man down.
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was fixing the roster of their fantasy team.

"They're picking up new forwards!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Wednesday! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously swinging,
"I MUST give myself two minutes for Grinching!"
For, tomorrow, he knew…

…All the Who girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd root for their boys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Whos, young and old, would start an Oddfellow's feast
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They'd make Big Easy Burgers from the rare Who-roast beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Wednesday games nearing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start cheering!

They'd cheer! And they'd cheer!
And they'd CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Who-Christmas-Cheer
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole year!"
"Why for seven whole seasons I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop hockey from coming!
… But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed and he sneered.
And he made a quick COMMISH.COM hat and a beard.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!"
"With this goatee and this hat, I'll look just like The Commish!"

"All I need is a web site…"
The Grinch looked around.
But the pickings were scarce with the economy down.
Did that stop the old Grinch…?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a web site, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a Dell laptop on top of his head.

Then
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Very nice!"
And the sleigh started down slow
Toward the homes where the Whos
Worshipped Tommy Salo

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams of Giguere
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The Grinchy Commish hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if The Commish could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who rosters all hung in a row.
"These stats sheets," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, like a belt on a conveyor,
Around the whole room, and he took every skater!
Arkhipov, Orszagh, Andreas Johansson,
He took the Sedin twins and all three Brothers Hanson!
He stole Keenan's goalie Roberto Luongo.
And Atlanta right wing Lubos Bartecko.

Visnovsky, Vishnevski, even Jarkko Ruutu
He got Shanahan, Messier, Pavel and Teemu
Holik, Hurme, Hrkac and Patrick Roy
And all of the letters in Krzysztof Oliwa!

(And now a quick note from your humble Commish,
Who knows when you hear this you're certain to diss.
"In case you haven't noticed, I'll point out to you
This version contains no reference to Cindy-Lou Who."

Girl Who's don't play hockey, they skate way too slow
After all Cindy-Lou Who is not Cammi Granato!
Plus this poem's way too long and it needed a pinch
OK, that's all! Now it's back to The Grinch…)

Then the last thing he took
Was the rug on the floor.
Then he went up the chimney, the big old Grinchy bore…
For players he left nothing but a washed up Doug Gilmour.

He even took their copy
Of "The Goons Bearing Gifts"
"We'll use this next year", he said with eyes all ashift!

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Who's stashes

Leaving just players
Much too bad
To play for the Thrashers!

It was quarter past dawn…
All the Who's, still a-dreamin'
And the big Lindros-Who
Still having nightmares of Stevens.
He packed up the sled full of all the Whos' players.
Oops! Dropped Richter on his head! Come back for him later!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was Grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no hockey is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"They'll put on ESPN and in a minute or two"
"They'll see no Bill Clement and will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
And it sounded just like NHL2Night's show…

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
Must be that Melrose guy Barry!

He stared down at Who-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Without any players at all!
He hadn't stopped hockey from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow without players, they were playing the games!

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without Bruins and good Molson lager!"
"It came without Caps, without Jaromir Jagr!"
And he puzzled three hours, 'til his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe hockey," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe fantasy hockey means a little bit more!"

And what happened then…?
Well… in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew just slightly bigger than Keenan's that day.
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his sled through the bright morning light
And he brought back the players and their Stanley Cup dreams
And he…

…HE HIMSELF…!
The Grinch got his own Slap Shot hockey team!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE COMMISH!