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Since the majority of my time tonight has been taken up by "office work", both an office Christmas party and decorating The Commish's Office for the holidays, this week's column is going to be an exercise in self plagiarism. Join me in some light reading as I cull a holiday Top Ten and a very familiar Christmas carol from the Columns of Christmas Past, with just a little tweaking to bring them up to date.
For starters this week's Top 10 is not actually a Top 10 at all. Since it's Hannukah (or is that spelled Chanukah? Neil, can I get a ruling?), I'm going to cut this down to a Top 8, one for each of Adam Sandler's Crazy Nights! OK, here goes nothing, let's see if I can pull this one off.
Top 10, no make that 8, Ways to Tell It's Hannukah (or Chanukah) in the NHL
8. Anaheim changes its nickname to The Mighty Maccabees
7. All face-offs temporarily decided by a game of "hurry up dreidle"
6. Frozen pucks now look like potato latkes (trust me they taste great with applesauce!)
5. To increase scoring, new rules state that all goalies must hold a fully lighted menorah in their catching glove at all times. Hey, I guess that'll keep people out of the crease!
4. All players sent to the penalty box have to listen to their mothers kvetching about how they're embarrassing the family and they should've gone to medical school like their cousin!
3. I really want to make a Chaka Khan joke here with some clever wordplay and letter shuffling but I don't feel it's appropriate so I won't. "Hannukah let me rock you, let you rule you Hannukah, let me rock you that's all I wanna do…"
2. All goons league wide join in celebrating The Festival of Fights! Oh wait, that's supposed to be The Festival of Lights, isn't it? Oops, my bad! But do you want to try breaking this melee up now that I started it? Didn't think so…
… and the number one way to tell it's Hannukah in the NHL …
1. Singing of Oh Canada replaced with Adam Sandler's Hannukah Song. OK strike up the karaoke machine for a quick verse…
Sergei Federov, not a Jew,
But he'd surely light the menorah if Anna Kournikova asked him to!
So grab your harmonica,
Denounce Miroslav Satanica,
skate with Robert Kron-a-kah,
Have a happy happy happy happy Hannukah!
… and since we're all in a singing mood, an original Commish classic carol parody, inspired by an idea from Mr. Canada Dry himself, Brian Legere …
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me, a totaled Ferrari.
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 4 Mighty Ducks,
3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 5 FOR FIGHT--TING!,
4 Mighty Ducks,
3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 6 injured Rangers,
5 FOR FIGHT--TING!,
4 Mighty Ducks,
3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 7 Thrashers thrashing,
6 injured Rangers,
5 FOR FIGHT--TING!,
4 Mighty Ducks,
3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 8 refs a-whistling,
7 Thrashers thrashing,
6 injured Rangers,
5 FOR FIGHT--TING!,
4 Mighty Ducks,
3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 9 goalies flopping,
8 refs a-whistling,
7 Thrashers thrashing,
6 injured Rangers,
5 FOR FIGHT--TING!,
4 Mighty Ducks,
3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, a 10 minute misconduct penalty,
9 goalies flopping,
8 refs a-whistling,
7 Thrashers thrashing,
6 injured Rangers,
5 FOR FIGHT--TING!,
4 Mighty Ducks,
3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 11 octopi flying,
a 10 minute misconduct penalty,
9 goalies flopping,
8 refs a-whistling,
7 Thrashers thrashing,
6 injured Rangers,
5 FOR FIGHT--TING!,
4 Mighty Ducks,
3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 12 Lord Stanleys leaping,
11 octopi flying,
a 10 minute misconduct penalty,
9 goalies flopping,
8 refs a-whistling,
7 Thrashers thrashing,
6 injured Rangers,
5 FOR FIGHT--TING!,
4 Mighty Ducks,
3 French guys,
2 zambonis,
and a totaled Ferrari.
OK, so let me see if I've got this situation straight. If my calculations are correct, that's a grand total of:
12 leaping Lord Stanleys
…The guy's been dead for over a hundred years, this I've got to see!…
22 flying octopi
…Is it already playoff time in Detroit?…
30 minutes of misconduct penalties
…You called the ref a what? Come on, it's the Christmas season!…
36 flopping goalies
…Somebody want to measure those leg pads!…
40 refs whistling
…And what are the linesmen doing during all this?…
42 Thrashers thrashing
…Talk about clogging up the Neutral Zone, Johnny La's not going to like this at all…
42 injured Rangers
…How many times did we count Eric Lindros' concussions?…
40 minutes worth of fighting majors
…Forget about the twelve days, that's a good week for Jody Shelley…
36 Mighty Ducks
…All of whom now now that Sergei Federov does not celebrate Hannukah…
33 French guys
…All named Jean-Pierre something or other!…
22 zambonis
…And do I get to ride one, of course not!…
and 12 totaled Ferraris
…OK, that's Heatley, Rob Ramage, Pelle Lindbergh... So who's driving the other 9 cars?…
Hoped you enjoy the flashbacks and we'll return next week with yet another holiday fave. Will it be The Night Before Christmas? The Grinch? Or maybe those lovable Goons Bearing Gifts? Early Happy Holiday greetings and we'll be back in seven days or so with more holiday cheer. 'til next week…
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