Na, na, na, na, na-na, getting Jiggy with it! Actually more like getting Jiggy off it. The ice, that is, as the tribe has spoken once again and we've voted off our first Wester tribe member and it's Jean Sebastian Giguere who gets the boot off the ice. Or as Gregory Hines said in Mel Brooks' History Of The World (Part 1), "The jig is up! And gone!" Now he's a eunuch… Lots of confusion this past week amongst the Westers as the tribe woke up one morning to find Brett Hull gone and Stephen Baldwin from Celebrity Mole there in his place!

Order was quickly restored when it was found out that Baldwin was supposed to show up not on NHL Survivor, but the Surreal World and Hull was in fact still in the building. Yes, despite the Whalers leaving, they still haven't solved those nagging "long lines at the Men's room" problems! You know, getting those long troughs like they have at Patriots football games would go a long way towards solving this issue. But I digress… This week we go back to the Easter tribe and see if Peca, Stevens and the tuque-sporting Jose Theodore can survive the voting bloc of The Goon Squad that Domi and Brashear have formed. The poll's up, let this week's voting begin…

So Jiggy, as is the custom here on NHL Survivor, please extinguish your flaming hockey stick and exit the Hartford Civic Center. I hear they're still pouring beer over there at Nick Fotiu's bar and Don Cardoza's still there complaining about last week's ousting of Mark Messier. Perhaps there's an open bar stool you could sit on? Or maybe you could just flop into the butterfly in the corner and have a waitress serve you? Oh, and please leave the Conn Smythe trophy here. Martin's coming to pick it up in the morning. It was rightfully his after all. You were just another "Jim Carey"-like fluke. No that's Jim Carey the ex-Captials and Bruins goaltender, not the guy who played God in Bruce Almighty…

Speaking of all-powerful beings (Jim Carey the actor, not Giguere), the NHL All Star Game is coming up in a few weeks and you know what that means, don't you? Yes, a high scoring, non-defensive game, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about THE SKILLS COMPETITION! No I don't want to go off on a rant here, but in recent years, haven't we all gotten a little tired of seeing Ray Bourque break plates with a puck with the accuracy of Bobby Brady hitting his mother's vase with a football. The whole "fastest skater" thing was never really that thrilling, just a bunch of guys skating really fast in a circle. And no one falling down a la Dan Jansen and having his Olympic dreams squashed like the Columbus Blue Jacket mascot caught under a gigantic fly swatter. And if they try to make me watch Al MacInnis win yet another hardest shot competition I think I'm gonna have to change channels. Even the WB or UPN's got to have better programming than that, no? Let's see, Brandy and Queen Latifah share a house with Mike Grier, Georges Laraque and Anson Carter with a guest appearance by that guy who played Urkel. Yeah, I can watch that…

No folks, this year's all star festivities are going to be different as I've gotten an advance press release talking about five new events for this year's skills contest! And of course, being the great commissioner that I am, I'm going to share them with you. And without further ado (is there ever anything "with further ado" by the way?), here they are…

Backing Up Martin Brodeur - A competition in which all 5 other All Star Goalies sit on the bench in full equipment for as long as they can. The last guy left standing, er sitting, is declared the winner.

Goon Accuracy - This is actually a series of two events in which the combined score will determine the winner. The first is the Pulling The Shirt Over The Head competition, which is a timed event. Then we go to the Punching The Helmet game, in which the goons will be scored on how many times they can jam their fists into their opponents plastic headgear in 30 seconds.

Edmonton Simulation - Ten players from each conference who do not play for the Oilers or the Canadiens will be locked in a meat freezer, the temperature inside which, will be roughly comparable to the temperature experienced in the Heritage Classic played outdoors. When the door is opened, any player able to skate across two lines without cramping up will be declared the winner.

Neutral Zone Clog - A contest to see how many players each squad can cram into the Neutral Zone while the other team tries to dump a puck into their opponents zone, then make a line change, then sit down and ask Jacques Lemaire if they did OK.

The Heatley/Ramage Test - In which the car given to the All Star MVP will be test driven by each All Star, accompanied by a crash test dummy in the passenger seat. The goal here is to drive real fast, dodging all obstacles in the way, including fences, oncoming traffic and that disturbing image of the Ghost of Pelle Lindbergh that keeps appearing in the headlights. The player who returns the fastest with his crash test dummy intact, and passes a breathalyzer will be declared the winner.

Well there you have it, this season's skills! Speaking of skills, we've got Canada Dry still sitting at the top of the league standings, with Icing Happens just a few points behind. Nice work guys, but you better hold on to those crash test dummies and keep an eye in that rearview mirror. Because My Toy Pony is now back from their Apollo 13-like moon shot (2nd place to 13th place and back into the money) as Charlie "Hobey" Baker has The Pony who takes big shots doing it's best Seabiscuit impression and climbing back into the race with a plus 7 this week. It is "big shots" right Chuck? Please tell me the asterisk represents the letter "O" and not some thinner and straighter vowel…

And what's happening with the local NHL teams lately? I see that the Isles have broken out the 3-in-1 and greased up old rickety Cliff Ronning, the Rangers are reverting back to their losing ways, and a certain Devils captain has been bitten by the injury bug. For more on that, I give you this week's "La Rants" column by Johnny La:

Good morning everybody! Well, what a busy week in the NHL, especially in the local area. Let's see who likes boxing because we had a couple of heavyweight bouts in Boston and NY. Boy could Don King use these skaters! Eric Lindros vs Thornton with Thornton getting a broken cheekbone. Surprising, usually it's Lindros down for the count… Then you had D. Kasparaitis, who is known for his leveling, getting leveled himself by Boston's Dan McGillis, and he's out for 10 weeks! Kind of brings back the old Bruins/Rangers rival of the 70's, doesn't it? About the only thing missing is the Boston Bruin players going into the stands to fight the fans at MSG. Hey Commish, I heard you had a ticket for that game and went with boxing gloves on just in case the GOLDEN GLOVES appeared from the ice with B's on them.

And what's that sound coming from the Blue Seats? "Sather Must Go"? And I hear Chaney was leading the chorus! No not Dick Cheney (still at an "undisclosed location" last I heard), ex-Knicks coach Don Chaney, victim of his own little "Fire Chaney" serenade not too long ago.

Then we have the Icelanders. So I ask all you fequent denizens of the Mausoleum, when is Peca going to learn to skate with his head up? As he got flattened out again by Toronto, while they shutout the Icelanders 2-0, making the Icelanders 1-8-1 in their last 10 games in Toronto.

Next we have the Swamp, and what is going on here? It has been kept rather quiet but some chippy thug has been rumored to have POST CONCUSSION SYNDROME, well as this writer will tell you, what goes around comes around, now he can hang out with Pat Lafontaine and Eric Lindros…

Payback