I think I may have finally found a use for all this plastic sheeting and duct tape. How about using it to keep all this freakin' snow out of my house! Seriously, it's Wednesday night and I think it's still snowing outside! I've never seen anything like this. Have we finished digging ourselves out from the like 30 odd inches of snow (not to be confused with 30 Odd Foot of Grunt, Russell Crowe's rock band) that we've gotten this weekend? Man, what a storm! You know it's bad when the amount of snow you get in inches is higher than the number of goals you're getting from the leading scorer of your fantasy team! And that holds true in all cases, unless you've got Markus Naslund, who still got a run for his money with some of the snowfall totals in Maryland! Speaking of which, Walt are you OK? We know you're a veteran of many a Nor'easter from the days when you lived in New England, but this one must've been quite a shocker for your neighbors…

So what happened this week? Everyone was too busy shoveling and no one made a trade? For the first time in like four weeks no major deal was pulled off in our league. You were all snowed in all day Monday, what did you do? Watch movies? Clean the house? Come on, pull out those hockey stats (my Internet connection stayed up!) and get wheelin' and dealin', there's only a month left until the trade deadline and this league's real tight. By the way, if you're stuck for a trading partner, I'm sure Neil would be quite happy to talk to you about your goalies! But don't trade him a goalie from your favorite team or you'll soon find yourself rooting for that team's top AHL netminder as Neil seems to have this little jinx type thing going on after he acquires top notch goaltenders. Or maybe it's just my voodoo dolls finally working correctly? I can never tell… Oh, and Neil, Marty Turco's got two words for you, and they ain't "mazel tov" either…

Hey wait a minute, "you've got mail". This just in! We've finally found out what Rob's team name really is! It's Five Minutes For Fire Sale. Rob has unofficially tossed in the towel and has asked me to announce his President's Day Weekend clearance sale. Well, we're a few days late, but we had all that snow and all… Rob says, and I quote, "Jagr, Bertuzzi, Heatley, ...even the goons...they are all available." Very nice indeed! Come on down! At Crazy Hanratty's the prices are insane! Hey Rob, I think Neil's going to be knocking down your door for a goalie. Too bad about the career of Sean Burke! Oh wait, he's been "day-to-day" for like four months now, hasn't he? (Commish's Note: Inside joke there for Rob, if you get it, great, if you don't get it, don't ask). So once again that number is 1-888-RAPE-ROB, operators are standing by (and bending over!)… Actually, his e-mail address is Rob.Hanratty@tfn.com if you'd like to make an offer. Just remember that our league's trading deadline is the same time as the NHL's (whenever that is!)

OK now back over to the NHL where we see that Alexei Kovalev has scored three goals since joining the Rangers, which is a great thing, considering Pavel Bure's still injured and Eric Lindros has been spending all his time on the back of a milk carton. "Have you seen this man? Or any sign of offense?" So who's been missing longer, Lindros or that pregnant lady from California? Or perhaps better stated; which was seen most recently, a meaningful Lindros goal or an actual Iraqi weapon of mass destruction? Hey, maybe if we stick Eric in the penalty box and then take all of our duct tape and plastic sheeting…

The St. Louis Blues have been without the services of their leading scorer, Doug Weight, who took a puck in the face a few weeks ago and has been on the IR with a fractured maxilla bone. So of course I ask the obvious question, what the heck is a maxilla bone? My partner Kevin Kelly, who is not a doctor, nor does he play one on TV, but is always up on the latest injury breakthroughs, informs me that the maxilla bone is located in the jaw and that the Stick It Up Your Ice forward is going to be eating through a straw for quite awhile. I, for one, being the ignorant commissioner that I am, when I first heard of the injury, immediately broke out into song as I recollected a certain cartoon from my childhood, where a certain pet store owner named Mr. Peebles owned a certain gigantic simian. "Maxilla, Gorilla for sale! If you wanted a gorilla you can call your own, just be like Dougie Weight, break your maxilla bone! Maxilla, Gorilla for sale…" Yeah I know, next thing I'll be doing is singing about Grape Ape or something. Hey, and wouldn't the Grape Ape make a good goalie? Take up the whole net I bet. Unless of course, Neil traded for him, then he'd probably suffer one of those broken maxilla gorilla bones…

Another rare transaction feat to report as Foil Up Walt (he of the never ending budget) has added Dallas Star rookie and plus/minus aficionado Niko Kapanen to his roster giving him sole possession of The Brothers Kapanen, Dallas Niko and Carolina Sami. Now I don't think those two are actually brothers, but hey you get the point, owning two Kapanens is a lot harder than owning two Johnsons, isn't it? Er, Hanratty and Kevin, please stay away from that one… By the way, where is Walt getting all this cash to spend on his team this season? Do they print money down there in Maryland? Or perhaps he's just going to "pull a Bush" at the end of the season and call it a "budget deficit" and blame it on the Democrats?

Finally, in what is becoming an alarming trend, some political commentary in the last paragraph. What do you say we all agree not to let France have a hockey team in the next Olympics? After all, they don't seem to like fighting very much, do they? With apologies to my French brethren Phantom Ron, how does one say "move out our way you little girlie men" en francais? "I am Hans Kapanen and this is my brother Franz Kapanen and we are here to pump you up!" Ok, I'm going to end it right here before I get tempted to make some more jokes at the expense of the French involving comparisons between German invasions in past wars, "five holes", frog legs and the Statsny brothers (who could've kicked the Kapanen brothers butts by the way)! 'til next week…

(COMMISH'S NOTE: After going to press with this column, it was discovered that Walt does not have both of the Kapanen "brothers" after all! I got my Carolina Hurricanes all mixed up (don't we all!). Foil Up had both Ron Francis and Jeff O'Neill, not Sami Kapanen, who to confuse matters even more, is actually now on the Flyers! My apologies for the incorrect facts, but for the sake of the column let's just pretend everything's accurate.)