So we start off this weeks column with the news that the Rangers have acquired Alfonso Soriano. Great I say! Except how in the hell is Alfonso Soriano gonna make the Rangers a better hockey team? We know the former Yankee 2nd baseman isn't the greatest on defense and I don't think a 40-40 year is in the cards either? I mean can the guy even skate? Anyway, another bad acquisition by Glenn Sather. Who by the way, with the Strangers (to the playoffs) around 11 points out of the 8th spot in the East needs to be fired, doesn't he? So why hasn't this happened? Oh yes, Sather is the GM and the coach isn't he? That would mean he works for himself. So the only way he can get fired is if he decides to fire himself! Hmm, nice job if you can get it, even better job if you can keep it like he does…

Well it's getting late here in The Commish's Office and yours truly has a little headache working so I tell you what I'm gonna do. Instead of cutting this column short, I'm gonna skate over to the bench and pull myself (see Glenn Sather, it's not hard to do) in favor of our backup column minder, Johnny La, who's got a new edition of "La Rants" for everyone this week. And now for the added bonus, I'm presenting this week's column in its original, uncut, unpuncuated format; take that CBS! And that's how a rant really should be, one giant run-on sentence. So enjoy J-La, while I go get two aspirin (and yes, I'll call you in the morning)…

Hello everyone and welcome to week 20 of the NHL (COMMISH'S NOTE: Actually it's Week 19 but who's counting?) and being that the All Star Game is over and we're back in the swing of things with some teams making trades and dumping players to make room for salary like the Chicago B-Hawks trading Sullivan to Nashville and who says a new environment don't make a difference Sullivan getting a hat trick then Washington Capitals trading Bondra to Ottawa Senators what does it matter a Senator in Washington or Canada they are all crooks anyway Hey Rangers do you get the drift unload players and rebuild but that has not happen in 20 years and Commish as expected the Rangers are 11 points out of the last playoff spot and sinking no life and no wonder look at Peter Nedved's sweet heart on the cover of Sports Illustrated Mark Mess going out with Banks no wonder the Rangers have no legs by the 3rd period I have a idea how Sather can keep his job get all swimsuit babes on the ice and have Janet Jackson in goal that will distract the other players speaking of goalie what stupid rules are the NHL coming up with now that the goalie can't come out of the crease to clear the puck now just because Marty B could not clear the puck against my other favorite trap team Jock Too Tight Lemaire's Weasel Wild and they scored that is not the answer to help the game either get rid of the red line or extend the ice size to Olympic so what if you have less seats for the public to buy the public is not showing up in the local area anyway what is there 12 people in the swamps 15 people in the Mausoleum and 25 people in the dark place in midtown now that Howard Dean is out of the race thank god he will be looking for work so how about some nice in all 3 arena's and A-ROD in the Bronx boy I see the fans hanging themselves along the "raftas" at the Fleet Center in Boston (COMMISH'S NOTE: Sorry Walt, I promised to deliver this uncut, at least he didn't attach an AVI movie of Buckner or Bucky!) and what # was A-ROD wearing #3 AND WHO WORE #3 IN NY THE BABE THE CURSE LIVES well time to go until next time everybody enjoy.

Whew! If I didn't have a headache before that, I sure do after. Can I get a "comma" from the congregation please! Or maybe even a period or semi-colon once in awhile? Anyway, thank you Johnny for the contribution and might I ask you what exactly do you have against your 4th grade English teacher anyway?

Please join us again next week when I promise a return to punctuation and maybe even a long overdue sing-along or two! Get your requests in now… Oh, and before you check the latest standings, let me just warn you that Canada is Drying out, Walt's boys are Foiling Up, those pesky Phantoms are making their patented late season drive and Icing has Happened once again.

The new NHL Survivor poll is up and we've now combined the remaining Easters and Westers into one tribe. If anyone's got a suggestion for what we should call this combined group please send it over. Just 6 players left in the game, who's the next player headed back to the mainland? Vote early and vote as often as you can figure out how to! 'til next week…