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OK sorry for the delay in getting this week's column out! Since we're already late, let's get right down to business, shall we? By now we all know about Rob Hanratty's fire sale. Or the "Five Minute" Fire Sale as I've been calling it all week. Now this was not your usual run of the mill "trade all my players" fire sale, as Rob thought long and hard (don't go there!) about how this was to occur and did a great job of executing the plan. In fact, I felt that Rob did such a good job that I'd like to use this as a model for all future league fire sales! What can we learn from Rob? Well, let's examine in more detail Rob's Five Steps to the "Five Minute" Fire Sale… 1) Decide To Do It! - With the trade deadline fast approaching, Rob took a look at his team and basically said, "enough is enough, my team sucks, Sean Burke's never coming off of IR and I'm mired in 10th place". No hemming and hawing here. No chance that he's getting any higher than 8th place at best with his present roster, so he commits to the dreaded fire sale! Not just an "I can trade Jagr for penalty minutes and try to win a category" decision, but a complete overhaul of as much of the roster as possible. Remember "he who hesitates is lost", not to mention late as well. And we all know these words of wisdom; "those who are late, do not get fruit cup!" 2) Announce It! - Rob immediately informs The Commish of his decision and has it posted in that week's News & Notes. The word is out now and everyone in the league has equal access to try to persuade Rob to trade them Jagr and anyone else they might want off his roster in exchange for their "Statue Of Liberty" players. No I'm not talking New York Rangers here, I'm talking about guys who are "tired, poor, hungry and yearning to be free (or at least not minus-14!) 3) Keep It Fair! - All the necessary ingredients are here for a miserable "fire sale" of epic proportions. Bad stats rankings, a couple of star players who can help other teams and its late in the season and the league's real tight at the top of the standings. However, Rob decides that he doesn't want to throw off the balance of the league with his surrender and ruin the league's integrity in the process. MAJOR DECISION HERE! And this is where Rob gets the most credit. Too many times, especially in this league, one guy will decide to pack it in and then call up his buddy and offer him his top three scorers and goalie for the likes of a Buffalo Sabre, an Atlanta Thrasher, one Columbus Blue Jacket and the ghost of Pelle Lindbergh thus instantly causing the rankings to get turned upside down and ruining any chance of the rest of the season playing out normally and competitively, pissing off at least two other owners in the process. You all know who you are, I don't need to name names here, right? Fact is, we've probably all been guilty of this in the past. Remember the season when the top 5 teams all made lopsided deals with the bottom five teams and the standings didn't budge at all? That was quite fun trying to "keep up with the Joneses, wasn't it?" But not this time! Rob decides to entertain all offers but steadfastly refuses to trade with any of the Top Three teams, even though some of them made him better offers. I knew I should've held on to Belfour and Turco! He also decides not to sabotage his own stats too far, making sure he gets back some quality in return for his tradable commodities and in the process he won't free fall to the bottom of the categories he's got a good standing in. He also traded his players to multiple teams, three in this case, making sure the wealth was spread around enough to keep things competitive. Maintaining league integrity is the most important thing here, after all it could be you at the top next season when the 2nd place guy gets his free handouts from the guy he sat next to at the draft… 4) Execute It Swiftly! - Don't sit around for 8 weeks, making a few one-for-one trades and keeping everyone guessing and second-guessing how they should react to the inevitable shift in stats rankings once all the good players on one team wind up elsewhere. Rob made three trades in three days, pushing people to make decisions on his offers, and getting everyone allocated around the league and giving the rest of us (most notably the Top Three teams that were shut out) time to react to what's happening and plan our free agent pickups accordingly. Thus the "Five Minute" fire sale is born… 5) Have A Theme! - And most importantly, if you're team's gonna suck anyway, have some fun with it! Laraque, Grier, Worrell, Anson Carter, Lando Calrissian… Are you seeing a pattern develop here? If not, let me just say that Jesse Jackson would not disapprove of Rob's hiring practices. Detroit Lions? Jesse's pissed. Five Minutes For F***ing? Jesse's got the Rainbow Coalition singing Rob's praises! In fact, just to prove he wasn't discriminating in any way, Rob even traded for a guy named Todd White! Rob, this Colt .45's for you! Other fun themes in fire sales past included the now famous 11-for-11 swap between Neil and Kevin Shanley when they occupied the bottom two slots in the standings, and most every category, at the trade deadline a few years back. Things like trying to trade for all the players from your favorite team, trying to get nine Russian forwards, six Jewish defensemen and all French goalies with names like "Jean-hyphen-something", or even gooning it up for the final month of the season are all acceptable forms of themed fire sales… So remember the formula's five easy steps: Decide, Announce, Fair, Execute, Theme and you too can have a successful fire sale and still maintain friendly relationships with all the league owners. This program has been paid for by a grant from The Commish's Fund For Greater League Competitiveness. For a transcript of today's show please send a self addressed stamped envelope to the address on your screen. All opinions expressed in this column are solely the opinions of the author and may not reflect those of The Commish's Office or the Slap Shot Fantasy Hockey League and most definitely will not be in any way remotely like the opinion expressed by Kevin Kelly. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column, with the exception of a small gerbil found wrapped in cellophane in the far corner of the Five Minutes For locker room… That's all for now! Congrats to Foil Up Walt who moves ahead of the pack and into first place for the first time this season and special thanks to Paul the Butler from Joe Millionaire for deftly handling all the paperwork turned into The Commish's Office documenting the 4 trades involving 33 players that took place this past week! 'til next week…
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