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"Come on down to Crazy Sathers! We offer you the best in washed up veterans, both forwards and defensemen. Hell need a backup goaltender, we've got that too! So hurry down to your local Crazy Sather store before the Fire Sale ends, with prices so low he's practically giving them all away. Crazy Sather, his prices are in-sane!"… "Do you need a forward? Do you have a 2nd round draft pick in 2006? No draft pick? No problem! How about a second tier minor league Russian skater? Down here at Sather's AutoWorld we're blowing out all our veteran players! All you need is a draft pick, a few useless minor leaguers or $29! No credit? It's no problem! At Sather's AutoWorld"… "Rangers for sale! I've got Rangers for sale!"… So of course, with an introduction like that you just know we're going to have a very Rangers-centric column don't you? Well folks the jig is up once again on yet another Rangers playoff-less season (their 7th in a row) only this time I'm getting the feeling things are going to be handled a little differently at the Garden. Already we're starting to see the first fanning flames of the fire sale to come. First Alexei Kovalev gets traded to the Canadiens for $26 in trinkets. Then Petr Nedved and Juicy Fruit Markkanen head to, of all places, Edmonton! Did I see that right? The Rangers dumped salary to Edmonton? Man, what weird bizarro economic dream am I currently in? And finally the biggest flame of them all thus far. Brian Leetch, who's been playing on Broadway longer than Cats, Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera, goes way off-Broadway in a deal to Toronto (the Maple Leetches) for two guys named Maxim and Jarkko. Maxim and Jarkko? What is this? Is this a new Siegfried and Roy type of show? Perhaps with polar bears instead of tigers? Well I guess they cold play the Theatre at Madison Square Garden because lord knows these guys can't play hockey! Who's next? The flames are only going to get higher at the world's most famous arena. "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!" Holik, Lindros, Jagr? Be afraid, be very afraid. Heck, even good ole boy Jed Ortmeyer may find himself in the hinterlands of Alberta, Canada before the trading deadline passes! Would they trade Captain Messier himself? Who knows, if the flames on this fire sale get high enough, you Ranger fans might see your Master and Commander on the Far Side of the World! And that's the one and only Oscar joke I'm gonna make in this column. Well maybe not the only one but I'm sure a few will get Lost In Translation… Things are now looking so bad for The Broadway "Got The Blues" Shirts that I'm thinking it's gonna be at least ANOTHER seven years until they make the playoffs! Which incidentally is the topic of this week's Top 10. So from the home office in Denville, NJ and with some help from He-Man Devil Hater, and "nitwit loser" Ranger fan himself, Don Cardoza, we present this week's list:
… and it's such a shame all this has to happen because the team has actually shown a little passion of late, getting all down and dirty and flogging the Islanders in that brawl-filled match-up a few weeks back. Did I just say "passion" and "flogging" in the same sentence? Must still be shaken up by that new Mel Gibson flick… Anyway, what's been more violent?
Things got so nasty in that game didn't they? So you figure what's the next game gonna be like? Well, Rob "I Wasn't Even At The Draft" Hanratty, sends me this article about some dirty goings-on during a recent Australian Rules Football game (that's rugby by the way), telling me this is most likely a preview of what to expect the next time the Rangers and the Isles play. Click the link below to read the article, it kinda speaks for itself, and isn't really printable in this space without a parental advisory:
http://www.sportal.com.au/league.asp?i=news&id=9703 In fact, Rob goes on to say that should this type of thing actually occur during a hockey game (trust me, you've got to read the article, if you haven't already, go no further until you do), it would most definitely be up to league disciplinarian "Colon" Campbell to decide what penalties to dish out. So staying with a theme, grab a microphone and give me your best Bill Murray karaoke as we croon along with old Ranger Blue Eyes himself, Frankie Sinatra, to the tune of his classic "Strangers In The Night"
Did I mention that we should have all seen this coming? Yes, two Saturdays ago The Commish and Brian "Canada Dry" Legere went to the Garden for the Devils/Rangers game and guess who sang the national anthem? None other than Sopranos star Dominic Chianese, know to us all as Uncle Junior. Not a bad voice mind you, but I think the real reason he was there was to put a hit on Glenn Sather, who you'll note stepped down from his coaching duties immediately after that game. Hmmm? Anyone else care to guess in which section of the Blue Seats the "sit down" occurred? The next home game was Brian Leetch Nesting Doll night as the Rangers gave away these "wooden doll inside a wooden doll inside a wooden doll" things that were oh so popular back in the days of Rasputin and the Russian revolution. Yes, back in like 1917, the last time the Rangers won a cup, wasn't it? Anway, so you get this thing which is like a wooden "weeble". You know "weebles wobble but they don't fall down"? Unless they've got Mike Richter's knees, but this is actually a Brian Leetch one so we're OK thus far. Well, you open the thing and inside it is yet another, albeit smaller Brian Leetch doll. This one then opens up to reveal an even tinier Leetch, but this one's got a Maple Leafs Original Six sweater painted on! Then lo and behold, what do we find when we crack open the littlest Leetch? Yes, two draft picks and a mini-Maxim Kondratiev doll… And on that note, I think we've had enough Ranger discussion for the week. I'm actually interested in seeing if the team does go into full rebuild mode. Had they done this those seven playoff-less years ago, chances are they'd be sitting around the 6-seed in the Eastern Conference right now. Of course that's where the Devils are. And did you notice the trade for The Russian Concussion Victor Kozlov that they pulled off? Well, at least they've got Scottie Stevens a roommate for the road trips now. "Hey Victor, what time is it? I don't know, but isn't this Vladimir Tretiak nesting doll really cool!" Finishing up the column with some late breaking news. This just in! The Rangers have traded Jaromir Jagr to the Yankees and the truth behind the Barbie and Ken breakup is revealed as Ken just showed up in San Francisco with G.I. Joe and a marriage license… 'til next week…
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